Well, I had a thread under "just found out," but it dropped off. Here's my story: Found out about H's A 1/02 after overhearing phone conversation ending in "I love you." H tried to deny it but was caught. I had suspected for some time. At that time the A had been going on for about two years. My assessment of the causes come to a couple of major issues.
First, H's obnoxious, intrusive, serially unemployed brother has lived with us for extended periods of time starting the year we were married (1981!) We didn't have much privacy or time for eachother as a result. We were both unhappy about the situation, but H couldn't/wouldn't do anything to get rid of him. They are now estranged, so that's resolved.
Second, I was chronically ill for a few years with an infalmmatory digestive disease which made sex uncomfortable and the drugs and disorder were murder on my enery levels. I've been in remission for a couple of years now, but focusing on one another's EN's by then was pretty much a lost art.
OW was H's co-worker, never married, a few years younger, living with parents. She has a Middle-eastern family background--attentiveness to the menfolk bordering on servitude. Her overly-sweetness got on my nerves, but I tried to be open-minded about their friendship--BIG MISTAKE! For years before I discovered the A, She was a frequent guest at our family barbeques, and her family even had us and the children over for Christmas and New Year in different years.
H had a heart attack 1.5 years ago, and she hovered at bedside ordering the nurses around.

Both H and OW have been unemployed since 1/02, so they both have time on their hands. I, on the other hand am busily working to keep food on the table.

Since my first discovery, H has sworn that he loves me and that there was never an expectation that he would leave his family for OW. He has promised NC repeatedly (see my profile) and then lied.

Neither of us is much into LB, and I have done a pretty good Plan A since the beginning, even though it's only been a couple of months since I found MB. H has been working on being attentive to me, and sharing more recreational companionship, but has a long way to go in sharing feelings. Actually we both rated honesty the #1 EN, which makes is so baffling that he has continued to lie about the NC. The fact that he tries to make it better with me while still lying makes the effort totally empty in my eyes.

The last D-day was 12/5. He has written and I mailed NC letter, and he promises me every morning that he will call me immediately if he hears from OW. But I still have a really bad feeling in my gut. I want to move forward, but, in truth, I expect to be hurt again.

At this point, the only people who know about the situation are H's sister and BIL. I have talked with them a few times and they are supportive.

S is away training with the Marines. D asks "what's wrong" alot, but I have not told her.

It bothers me somewhat that H has faced no consequences for his actions.

Because I am filled with constant doubt about the NC, and expect to find proof every day, I wrote a Blan B letter. Putting it on paper was actually sort of therapeutic. Here it is. I'm open to suggestions.

Dear H,

For as long as I can remember, the center point of my life choices has been my partnership with you. That is the single source of strength that has seen me through the many difficulties and challenges we have faced. My dedication to the rightness of that path does not waver.

The course of our relationship over the past year has caused me pain beyond what you can imagine. Every day I wake up with the thought that I have not been enough, and that you cannot be honest with me about your feelings and your actions. I have reached a point where I can no longer continue subjecting myself to that pain. And so, we must be apart for awhile.

I hope we will be able to come together and make an honest effort to heal our relationship, but that will not be possible until you can come to me as a man of integrity willing to bring faithfulness and complete truth to our dealings with one another. You need time to work on these things.

I do not want to see or hear from you until you have been completely out of contact with (OW)for one month. If you need to communicate with me about (D) or an emergency, please get the message to me through(friends). Feel free to do anything you need to around the house while I am at work. I will get (D) to school in the mornings, and will appreciate it if you can pick her up in the afternoons.

Please take with you the (MB) book I bought. It provides good methods for finding our way back together, should you decide on that path.