I found out in September my H had a 6 month affair with a co-worker, I was pregnant with our first child while the affair was taking place. He says he did it for the "companionship" I worked out of town a lot and he was lonely. He told me alot of lies including being gone "out of town" 2 weeks before our child was due and going out with her th day after she was born. Supposedly they ended the affair in August because it wasn't going anywhere, she is also married with 2 kids and almost 8 years older than him.

Before I found out I was planning to find a new job once the baby was born so I could be at home, however, we decided it would be best for us to seperate for a little while. He says he formed an attachement to this women and didn't want me to have to endure him getting over a "broken heart". I took an opportunity with my company and moved 2 hours away back to where we're both from and both grandparents are. I'm currently living with my parents during the week and driving back on the weekend to try and work things out with him and give him time with his daughter. At the beginning of our seperation I caught him additional lies.
He says he still loves me, but is afraid he will hurt me again, so he can't commit to me coming home. I'm tired of living with someone else and I'm ready to find a place of my own if we can't work this out. I wish the marriage would work, but I can't keep living like this!!!! One of the things that makes me the most upset is the fact that he won't tell me who she is... only that they work together and she's married with kids. He's afraid I'd contact her and ruin her life as well... I feel like that's putting her needs before my needs.
Any help is greatly appreciated... I feel like I'm going to explode

Welcome Trey...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

Do start on a 'good' Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

What you're doing right now is modified Plan A mixed with a Plan B...
...and it is sending mixed messages.

Stay in Plan A for as long as you can...
...ideally six months.

Be honest with him and say...
...as you will be improving yourself and being the best possible wife...
...by continuing any contact with the OW... he will only be draining 'marital' love...
...to the point of 'emptying' ALL!...
...again... if he continues.

If/when he doesn't change...
...and accept you 'permanent' changes...
...you should move to Plan B...
...a pure Plan B...

...and if that last 'too long'...
...accept that your marriage... wasn't.

I'll be praying for you and your H.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

Thanks for the advice... my biggest problem is I can't stay with him and keep my current job. I've been with the company for 6+ years and make enough to support myself and daughter, there's no longer an employment opportunity where he lives. I don't want to give up my job and us still not work things out. For my own sanity sake I can't keep living with my parents, and driving back to see him on the weekends. If I do get a place of my own...them I'm tied into a lease. I feel like it's a no win situation. He states the reason he had the affair is because I'm never there, I'm there less now...to me it's just a matter of time before another affair starts

well..my H alos had an affair while I was pregnant with our fourth child. SHe also works with him, and he did finally tell me who she is, but has forbidden me to contact her. I go back and forth between wanting to and not, but that would be a serious LB and I don't want to do that right now. My H and the OW travel a lot together and it makes for very tense times in the house. We have discussed seperation, but it never gets past the discussion phase. Do you want the marriage to work? Does he? I am sorry that you are going through this, I understand how badly you must be hurting right now. Read all you can on this site, and keep posting. The people here have great insights and give pretty sound advice. Have the two of you considered counseling?

Paige

Paige,

Thanks so much for the insight...my eyes filled with tears when I read you message because you're going through such a similar situation!!! I do want the marriage to work, I still love him and we had a Great marriage and relationship before I started traveling. He was my best friend for 8 years...He has also been a great daddy, he adores our little girl!!!

It must be so hard knowing they are traveling together, I have a hard time just knowing my H and OW see each other at work.

I really think he wants the marriage to work, if nothing else for Kirklan (my daughter)... He just keeps telling me that he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he can't promise me that it wouldn't happen again w/ her!

How can I come back if he can't make that promise? Not only do I feel betrayed and made of fool of... but I also feel that he ruined my pregnancy! Having my first baby should have been the best memories of my life and now not only my pregnancy, but the first year of her life has been tainted.

We did initially try marriage counseling, however, neither of us liked the MC alot and now I'm 2 hours away during the week and with a 5 mth old weekends are pretty hectic!

Paige, I'd love to hear from you again... please keep me posted on how your situation is and any suggestions for mine

Trey,

Email me at persign@tampabay.rr.com. I know how horrible the feeling is when we have such a great weekend together, and then on Monday morning he goes, all dressed and SHE is there. I am afraid to have fights in the house because I don't want him to go to work and have her tell him how horrible it must be to have to "deal" with me and the four kids. I could go on forever with my insecurities, but I don't want to be that way in front on my kids. I have three boys and one girl, and I can't dare to think about what this is doing to them. I pray everyday, and it is getting better, it is just so very hard for me to get past her when she is still there. She got divorced while their affair was going on, I am assuming she was hoping he would do the same. I just want to kick the beans out of her! Oh well...can't do that..that is not what God wants me to do. I would love to keep in touch with you..........

Paige