what would you do? I did not receive this gift at Christmas. Do I ask him about it or let it go? I am afraid he will think that I am snooping, and I wasn't. I really just came across it. What do I do????

Paige...

Just wanted to let you know that I emailed you... so when you see an address you don't recognize from hotmail it's me. If you're like me, I would have to ask or at least find out some more info. My H has been caught in a few lies, so I don't trust him. I try to get as much info as possible before I ever confront him and that way I know if he's lying. Maybe being dishonest makes me a bad person, but in a way I feel I kindof have the right. Is it on a Credit Card... you might call the Credit Card company and tell them you think it was a fraudlent charge to see if they can give you more info about what the item was.

If you're like me, I've gotten to the point where I can't let something go esp if I think it has to do with OW. I don't get angry, I just don't want to be played for a fool.

Confront, confront, confront!!!!

Have you read Harley's Surviving an Affair? How about all his brilliant and excellent articles and Q/A here at MB?

Best thing you can do for your marriage without hiring a coach is to get off the forum and read, read, read, until you can quote it forwards and backwards. Until you know all the steps and why he says to take them. If you want expert help that is proven to work, go to the expert. Read what Harley has to say.

Yes confront, But do it in a way that is about you. "Honey, I found this receipt. I didn't get this gift. I'm frightened, hurt, confused, and would like an explanation."

Those things are about you. They are honest. (Which is non-negotiably essential in all marital situations.... except if it triggers abuse, and then you should separate.) Those statements are not disrespectful, angry, or even demanding.

No matter what's happening in your marriage the place to start is with honesty.

So you snooped. I know you didn't, but even if you did.... Big deal!! Harley encourages snooping. He is dead set against privacy in marriage or the idea that one has a right to keep things from the spouse. It's NOT a LBer to snoop. It's a LBer to hide things from your partner, and having a secret second life (which privacy enables) is what allows affairs to exist.

Now I'll get out of here and leave you to your reading......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cerri

I agree with Cerri, but maybe I would leave out the hurt, confused. Just say, I came across this receipt for xxx on the dresser (or wherever) and I wondered what this was for.

Note: you have a right to know what your H is spending family funds on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by espoir:
<strong>I agree with Cerri, but maybe I would leave out the hurt, confused. Just say, I came across this receipt for xxx on the dresser (or wherever) and I wondered what this was for.

Note: you have a right to know what your H is spending family funds on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the most important things in marriage is honesty. You can't get anywhere without it. And one the essential things we need to be honest about it how we feel in regards to what our spouse is doing. He needs to know that his actions are indeed confusing, painful, frightening... whatever the emotion is. And if he is having an affair, with or without buying the OW gifts, he needs to know how painful that is for his wife. Each and every time he sees or speaks to the OW.

But really, don't take my word for it... go to the source. Read the books, read the wealth of information here online. It can't be beat. The forum is a poor substitute for being well informed by reading.

C <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I also agree with all the advice you have received. CONFRONT!!!!!!

Just from experience - I had to use my H's truck one day and I found a receipt from Nov. of last year & it was for an X-box game. My kids don't own an X-box nor do any the kids that I know. I know (gut feeling) that it was for OW's daughter. Her B-day was a day before the date on the receipt.

Anyway, remembering Plan A, and not wanting to jump to conclusions, I confronted H that very night and H confessed that it was for OW's daughter. Even with my heart in my throat and beating 1000 miles a minute, I remained calm and simply told him that I didn't think it was right on any circumstance, but next time he has this strong desire to buy something, even knowing how strongly I am againgst it, I would appreciate that he would rip-up receipt!

So, there is no harm in confronting, expecially if you have that hunch whom it's for!!

My 2 cents anyway!

Flaca

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Married 13 Years
  Me - BS
  H - WS
  2 d's 11 & 10
  D-day 9/00
  In recovery</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I do want to confront him but I don't have the courage. It is the old saying,"if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question." I am afraid that if it is for OW, I have let him in enough again to start to trust him and that will all go to the wayside. How many times do you hit the wall before you just pick up and go your own way? I have four children and I have to do what is best for them. The NC doesn't work because he is her boss, so they see each other everyday. I am waiting for my copy of "surviving" to arrive. I hope I make it until then!

Thanks.

Hi Flaca,
I agree with the confront, but rather than imply that what he's doing is not all that painful.... or suggest that he hide and deceive you by tearing up a receipt in the future it would be better to let him know that his actions are NOT acceptable... not in an angry way, just factual... and that you are hurt by his involvement with this woman.

He needs to know that having an affair is pretty much the very worst thing he could do to you and your family, and that it hurts.

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by want2heal:
<strong>I do want to confront him but I don't have the courage. It is the old saying,"if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question." I am afraid that if it is for OW, I have let him in enough again to start to trust him and that will all go to the wayside. How many times do you hit the wall before you just pick up and go your own way? I have four children and I have to do what is best for them. The NC doesn't work because he is her boss, so they see each other everyday. I am waiting for my copy of "surviving" to arrive. I hope I make it until then!

Thanks.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me like time for Plan B.

.02 cents

When you said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am afraid he will think that I am snooping, and I wasn't. I really just came across it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it concerned me. Do you have reason to question his honesty and integrity? Could you take a proactive stance on this issue and tell him you WILL be testing his honesty and integrity from time to time to give you a true sense of where his priorities lay and what you are going to do about that? A more assertive you may attract him. If you change your basic "don't wanna rock the boat" attitude on life in general and stand for what you know is right, he may come completely out of the fog to meet you in what we commonly know as "reality".

another quote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is the old saying,"if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question." I am afraid that if it is for OW, I have let him in enough again to start to trust him and that will all go to the wayside. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really think the "ostrich head in the sand" method has any place in deciding your family and your own future?

there's a saying that comes to mind here. "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything"

imho you must find enough support somewhere in your life to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and take control of the wagon.

Where has </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do want to confront him but I don't have the courage </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that approch placed you? You and you alone have all the power in this case to change your entire life and outlook on it or you can continue on the path you are traveling without changing yourself and wallow in the mudhole you are in.

I appologize for the bluntness of my post. I see real potential for you being sucked away daily and I know you can do it. Go FOR IT!!!! You and your family are worth it....right?

Christ had it right in Matthew 10:12-16
this passage concludes " Therefore, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves". If you read the whole passage you'll understand the concept.

peace
tim

the reason I suggested not immediately saying the "hurt, confused" is that you don't yet have his explanation regarding the receipt. I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt until he's proven guilty. Otherwise he may feel attacked. Is it possible that he is holding the gift for Valentine's Day, your bday or anniversary? OK I know the OW explanation is more likely....

If he confirms that it's for OW, or has no acceptable explanation- then you tell him you are hurt, confused and also very upset that he's spending family funds on OW!

Anyway, I do recommend you confront him.

If you do decide to question him about it, he may try and turn the tables on you by accusing you of "snooping". Don't let him change the subject. He might do this if he is going on the defensive. If he can distract you from the original question and start attacking you then he will never get around to answering the question. Instead, he'll make you feel like the one in the wrong. If he tries this, you can say, OK, honey, I'll be glad to talk about that in a minute, but right now we are talking about this. Just don't let him deflect the question. This method has helped me out lots of times.