well its been a long time since i've been around here; i would like to say its because ive been working on me and my M and that H and I are doing great - NOT! H moved back beginning of December, right before we went on a somewhat successful belated honeymoon together...since then its been okay sometimes, hell alot of other times. I'm a terrible plan A'er, mostly because i am filled with pain and rage and despair, and it wont go away - have done IC and read tons of books but my main issue is that H is still talking to OW - i got cell and home phone records a couple of weeks ago (glutton for punishment that i am) and i was under the mistaken impression that H had stopped talking to OW before we left on our honeymoon...oh, no - first call was made two days after we returned while i was out shopping for something nice to wear for a family xmas party, then more and more and more - H will call OW on his cell before and after work - calls her first to talk and then calls me when they're done, calls from our home on the weekends when i go out, etc, etc. This, of course, is just another blow for me and i cannot get past it - all i can think about is him talking to her, wanting to be with her. And he wont stop - Ive asked him, I"ve begged him, and he wont - you know why? Because our problems started way before she came into the picture and he has wanted me to change and i havent, he hasnt "liked" me for a long time, and he doesnt want to be with me most of the time....he says this has "nothing" to do with her. Now, I am big enough to admit that yes, I have issues, and our relationship certainly was in trouble before DDay, however, is it not reasonable for me to tell him to stop talking to her so i can have some sanity and then make the changes i need to? its like hes torturing me - dangling OW in front of me and saying ha ha, im not going to stop talking to her until YOU change, so there! I can understand some of his reasoning to a point - i mean, all i do is cry and yell and act depressed around him, and im sure OW is sweet as can be and tells him everything he wants to hear. i just cannot undertand after everything H has put me through, why he cant do thisd one thing - ive said that it would be a hell of alot easier for me to change and for us to work on things if there wasnt a third party involved, but all he does is deflect it; again, its not her, i wont change, we had issues before, blah blah. Yet, when i bring up D - he doesnt want that...huh? Is he seeing how far he can push me before i totally lose it?? and speaking of ME changing - that is coming from H as someone who before DDay had more issues than I and didnt do anything to change, and after DDay has not gone to any IC or MC, has still not talked to me about what happened/with who/why, and of course, still has contact with OW. ive tried detaching, working on myself, reading but im just at a standstill on this - help!
The one good thing i'm doing in the next few weeks is taking a week off to go to an intensive counseling/group therapy/psychiactric evaluation at a local hospital - that is how low this has made me sink; the other day i felt really like just not going on, and it scared the heck out of me, so im hoping that (and some advice from you guys please!) will give me the strength I need to either get out of this situation or at least handle it more appropriately.

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Me 31, H 32
Dated 5 yrs, M 5/02
9 yo D
DDay 1 - 2/2001 OW on business trip
DDay 2 - 9/2002 OW 20 yo relative of H's friend
DDay 3 - Other friend of H confides that H has had Multiple A's
In a holding pattern since then - good days and bad, trying my best to plan A, H out of home since 9/02 but coming home 12/02
"You will change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into one who loves herself enough to stop the pain" - Women Who Love Too Much

OMG MPELE,

(H will call OW on his cell before and after work - calls her first to talk and then calls me when they're done, calls from our home on the weekends when i go out, etc, etc. This, of course, is just another blow for me and i cannot get past it - all i can think about is him talking to her, wanting to be with her. And he wont stop - Ive asked him, I"ve begged him, and he wont)

I felt like it was me writing this....it is just the same for me. He won't stop - thinks it is fine that he keeps talking to her. To me - it is a slap in the face everytime I find out.

I don't know how to help you Plan A thru this - I have decided to go straight to Plan B and like you - I am taking care of myself right now - I NEED that.

I can't get him to leave me alone though - we are not living together now - but he calls all day and night and begs me to answer the phone on the pretence that 'he needs to talk to me' or 'we need to talk about this', but if I answer - he says nothing just 'oh, hi, I just wanted to see how your day was going....' and then, I know as soon as we hang up - he calls her. It seems to be like a drug for him now - a fix of some sort. He calls me to hear my voice because that makes him think I'm still there for him, then he calls her to share his day and affection. (They don't see each other because they are 4000 miles apart right now.)

The calls are driving me crazy both to her and to me.

I guess I'm not much help, but know you aren't alone and I understand your pain and frustration with this. I hope your week helps center you a bit - all of this really does make you feel like you are going crazy.

wow-why is he still living in your space? NC or hit the road cake eater. Hard as it is- if I find out my WH is in contact with OW again-and yours is so blatant and feeling entitled??? OUT HE GOES. Be good or be gone. I would be devastated to watch him go........watch my children witness it - but you are WORTHY of some care and honest love at this point- YOU MUST KNOW THAT??? I will be praying for you full blown......

Mele,

If he 'doesn't' want to be with you, then why is he there? I got the same message before. I finally told him go then.... I certain don't want to be 'accused' of holding someone 'against' their will......

Of course it was a bluff. Issues before the A still stand and need to be addressed. That's a given but you can't work on them with other obstalces in the way..... that's a fact. So blow that back in his face and don't let him take advantage of you any longer.

Now this may result in his leaving.... can you handle that? On the other hand, how much longer can you put up with such disrespect? Please understand this happens to many of us which is why for me our recovery took a back pedal a few times. Each time it got easier to put him out.

I put the onis on H for proving his worth. He was not worthy of us when he was having his A. When he came home he had to earn it back...... he was certainly not deserving of it at all.

Eventually I had the courage to give him and all his needs to the OW. I told him she now needed to meet ALLLLLL his needs not just the fun stuff.

That turned him around real quick. See they know but don't want to admit it. Instead this A makes them abuse the family. I had to put a stop to that in our house. All that lived under our roof should consider it a privilege.

JMHO,
L.

Beautiful post Orchid. Coming from such a beautiful flower you would expect nothing less. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I will give you the pertinent part of my story Mpele.

After she came home from her 1st non secretive trip to see him (after d-day). She decided to completely ignore anyones advice except his, and "follow her heart"....scuse me while I puke up the bs(not betrayed spouse) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> thats caught in my thoat..... anyway, I stayed with her duuring this 3 month period, it was easier for me because every waking hour I had my head in the Bible or a marriage/self help book. I finally just said to God outloud in front of my bathroom mirror on July 4th, "Father, please take away my guilt, my shame, and my pain, and I will do my part and take away my obstinance to you. Father, right here and now, I am totally selling out to you. My only will in this life is to listen to you and go where you say. Father I trust you and you alone to lead me." It worked, if(and thats a huge if) I did my part, I litterally walked in peace and would sleep like a baby no matter what or with whom she did or was with. I stopped advising her and let her come to me. It was like I was in the eye of an emotional hurricane and as soon as I took my eyes off God and his promise to me, I would get swept away in the 120 m.p.h. mind storm swirling all around my little calm, peaceful eye. She will be the 1st to tell you I don't come close to perfection in this but I have changed (hopefully for the better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). The biggest change I made is putting my priorities in order and then doing things in that order. Easy to say, harder to do than I thought. I think the reason God liked David so much even though he screwed up time after time is that David had a heart for God. God was his overriding motivation most of the time.

Wow ... sorry ... where'd that rant come from <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

ok.... back on track.... she made phone call after phone call to him on my dime, and I finally left(plan b). Very shortly after, I moved back. I slowly but surely realised the depth of their relationship and her "addiction"(her word for it) to him. I gave specific dates and boundries I would and would not tolerate and still be a part of her life. This gave me a tremendous amount of peace because the ball was again 100% in her court. In the end, she crossed my boundry and I let go of my hope for the marriage that second.

BUT..... for you it could be different. If your husband wants the marriage badly, and it seems he does by his actions, and you let him know your very specific and well thought out beforehand boundries(pretend your doing homework for a very picky teacher, get it all as perfect as you can and concise as it can be before telling him anything about it), he will maintain his place within them. Be sure to keep the balance of what you can tolerate and realise he's in a fog so if you don't give him enough slack, you are setting him up for failure. Tell him exactly what will happen if he crosses them and if he does, do it. The key is, you have to have peace in order to even start to plan A, never mind work on recovery. This takes all the"what should I do nows outa the equation and gives your mind rest and peace in the process". He will realise very quickly you mean business here and how much the marriage means to you. He is "wishy washy" right now, but you can be the rock that, "says what she does and does what she says". He'll respect that.

Be proactive, your marriage is worth it. You have much more power in this than you are showing in your posts.

peace
tim