<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I recently posted a message and because someone said "why don't you tell the whole story" that I realized I can't get any help if I don't start from the beginning and tell the whole story.

I am still in recovery trying to get over an affair I had with the preacher at my church. I am the accompanist at the church. I still play for the church but the man I had the affair with is no longer there.

My affair ended with the OM on May 25, 2001 with a letter that is very similar to the letter published on this web site under "how to end an affair" When OM came to the church we instantly became good friends and for the last 12 months he was there, we had an A. My husband found out and was so hurt he divorced in February 2001. After a people in the congregation found out, he resigned from the church telling me that to divorce his S and start an honest relationship with me he would need to be out of the ministry temporarily. I believed that. I had no reason not to. His wife, knowing of our relationship,never left him always kept the attitude that this was a passing thing and he will be over it soon. (I don't know if this had happened before and she knew how much time to allow for it to pass or if she knew that he wanted her to be the one to leave because he just couldn't bring himself to do it) I sometimes think she was smart enough or counseled that she would never be able to keep him if she left.

He left his job in february 2001 and tried to find a job out of the ministry close to the area we lived. When that didn't happen, he took an excellent job but it was far away, and knowing if he divorced his wife, she would move away even farther. I saw him for the last time on May 4, 2001. At this visit he told me that everything was going to be okay and was giving me directions on how to get to where he would be. I didn't hear from him until 4 days later when he emailed me and told me he was having problems. He said that his youngest child got on the phone with him that evening and started crying about when they were going to get to come live with him. I don't know if she put him up to that or not but that doesn't really seem to matter now. On May 25, 2002 he wrote a letter ending the affair. Said for the sake of his children he wanted to try one more time. Told me to go back to FS and commented maything would be better this time around for him and me.

Since that time, my FS and I have been back together and I am trying to get my life back to normal and concentrate on the good things in life, and when memories of my relationship with the OM come to surface, I think about the good times and the things about us that always made me happy and I try to come to the conclusion that this is how it has to be. I put forth my best effort to make my relationship with my spouse be the best it can be, but I still miss the other man. I want to contact him so bad sometimes I can't stand it. I still miss him. I feel pretty bad to be telling you what a good man my S is and to still be thinking about OM.

Why won't these painful feelings go away.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: paw7764 ]</small>

I'm sorry for your pain. I am glad that you have posted here. And congratulations for not contacting him. Affair relationships only work about 5% of the time. Do you have children??
Focus on the positive, I am glad that you are here.

I know where you are coming from. My A ended this past July, and not a day has gone by w/o me thinking of XOM.

It is a struggle for me not to continue NC w/ him. I remind myself everyday that I am doing the right thing by not calling him, not emailing him, not IM'ing him. I know without a doubt that if circumstances were different and we were both free to do so, we would be together, but he and I both made a conscious decision not to disrupt the lives of innocent people (my H and kids). I do truly love my H and my kids and I am dedicated to being the best wife and mother possible, but it is different from what I feel for XOM. Maybe what I feel for XOM is based on "newness" or "what could have been" or perhaps it is some part of the fog that has not dissipated from my EA, but bottom line is this: I am married, I do love my husband, we have a good marriage, and I want to keep it that way.

Whenever the feelings for XOM become to overwhelming, I just offer it up to God in prayer, wish for XOM's happiness in life, and pray that God will bless him with a special person in his life who can be to him what I can't be. Then I pray for strength to continue NC and then I pay more attention to my H who deserves all my love. Over time, this has helped me.

Good luck!

~C~

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: rlk18 ]</small>

I totally understand as well. Letting go has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

At first,I was so in the Fog that I really had trouble processing my thoughts,and getting any perspective on things. I knew I loved my husband,wanted my marriage to work,etc...but the bottom line was I MISSED THE OM...terribly,painfully. I've also resigned myself to the fact that I will still have days of sadness about the loss of OM,probably for a long time to come. I find it hits me when I'm hormonal or down about something else.

My relationship was an EA that was mostly online,and that seems to trivialize it in some people's eyes. While I'm working through de-romanticizing the relationship,I still believe that my feelings,and his, were genuine. This was absolutely the first and only time such a thing had happened to either him or me.

But the feelings,though genuine, were wrong. I'm a Christian,and so is he,and I don't believe God would have sanctioned a relationship outside the sacred covenant of our marriages.

I'm hoping that over time, the memories of two years of friendship with this man (and I believe it didn't become inappropriate until the last two months) will become bittersweet,but not painful.

I know it may be hard for BS's to read this,and I'm truly sorry. But for many of us WS,the feelings were real.

Thank God,my husband loves me...I'm clinging to his love,falling more and more in love with him, and actively replacing thoughts of the OM with thoughts of my husband.

I'm making my life all about pleasing my husband and showing him how much I love him. His response to this has been overwhelming! It's a wonderful thing.

A few suggestions:

--Avoid listening to romantic,sad music about lost love. (I personally listen mostly to Christian music.)

--I love to read, so I read upbeat or positive things,or Christian fiction. It really helps take my mind off my troubles.

--When I'm tempted to dwell on thoughts and memories of the OM,I try to actively close the door on those thoughts and focus instead on my husband. Someone on this board told me to "take every thought captive"...that's literally what you have to do.

--Again,if you're a person of faith, prayer and Bible reading is invaluable.

--When you're feeling especially down or blue,do something that makes you happy: watch a funny movie,take a bubble bath,call a loving friend or relative.

--A lot of people here suggest exercise as a remedy for depression.

--If you're extremely down,don't hesitate to ask your doctor for anti-depressants.

I wish you the best. I know how hard it can be!

I am the BS. Do any of you WS's ever really forget about the OP? I mean, do weeks or months go by where you actually didn't think of him/her? Especially if you were in an EA...I'd think there would be more of a "I wonder what it would have been like" factor.

I yam...good question. It has been only five months since D-Day for me,(as I said,it was an EA only),and I have to say that not a day goes by that I don't have at least a few thoughts about the OM. I also don't think I will ever forget him. HOWEVER...I'm finding that as the fog has lifted,I think about him less and less,and with less sadness.

I'm also finding that I *CAN* stop thinking about him if I really try. At least, I can choose not to DWELL on him. When fond thoughts of him come,I can choose to deliberately replace them with thoughts of my husband. I will deliberately think of my husband's great points or points I really admire.

Also,I think if every WS is honest,they will admit that they had some underlying doubts and questions about the OP...even niggling little things they found unattractive or bothersome,but they swept them under the rug in the interest of the big picture (connection,romance,excitement,etc). If I find myself thinking fondly of OM, I'll remind myself of those things...tiny seedlings that could have become big problems if we had actually ever been together.

I have come so far out of the fog just in the past few weeks,it should give every BS hope that even their most fogbound spouse can do the same! In my case,the fact that my H is becoming the person I first fell in love with is a major factor. As he is bonding with me,meeting my EN's in a major way,and I've had no contact with the OM...the OM is becoming more of a hazy memory,especially if I choose not to reinforce that memory by feeding it.

I look forward,hopefully, to the day when OM has receded so far into the background of my life that he will be a memory that only comes up from time to time,and doesn't cause pain and sadness. I can really see that day coming. Not sure how long it will take...but the way my H is handling things is making ALL the difference in the world. Once again,he's becoming the man I run to with my problems,the man I lean on.

Fortunately,in my case, our sex life never flagged. I even told the OM once that sex is the common language my husband and I shared even when we weren't communicating in other ways. Now,sex is meaningful and wonderful. I find that physical bonding with my H is of paramount importance,especially because it's something the OM and I never shared. (The OM and I didn't participate in cybersex or anything like that,thank God).

If your wife will let you,go ahead and touch her...even just to hold her hand,caress her hair,whatever. If she'll let you do more,go for it...and make it meaningful and loving.

The more ways I can find union with my H...physically,emotionally,spiritually...the more he is replacing the memory of the OM. And I'm loving it...because this union has no guilt whatsoever,and it's the way it was meant to be.

Hang in there! As I've told other hurting husbands here,if there's hope for me,there's hope for your wife too. You did something right to make her fall in love with you in the first place. I'm convinced those embers never burn out completely,and can be fanned back into a flame by YOUR actions...and believe me,MB principles are right on target! Keep loving her,and holding the reins loosely. I wish you ALL the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm really glad someone posted this. I am not alone. I had a wonderful friendship with a woman for 7 years. I separated this past summer and the OW got a divorce, and it turned into an EA. (Wouldn't admit that for a long time!) I knew my marriage was going nowhere, but I let my W talk me into going to the MB seminar. Since DrH claimed that following his plan could make anyone fall in love, I went along with it.

Per DrH's instruction, I cut off contact with the OW and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I thought about her all the time, but I stayed with the program.

After a few months, it became very appearent that MB was not working for me and I was ready to tell the W it was over. I have tried to resurrect my friendship with the OW, but she has met someone else and now refuses to talk to me even as friends.

I really have to consciously distract myself in order to NOT think about her and think how I ruined the best friendship I ever had. I guess it's getting better, but it is still hard for me to accept that I will never speak to her again.

Can'tThinkofAName,you wrote: "... it is still hard for me to accept that I will never speak to her again."

Bingo! Although NC is one of the most crucial and necessary things,it is also the most painful in many ways for a WS. I can easily start crying when I think,"I will never speak to him again as long as I live...I will never see his face again as long as I live."

I just cannot dwell on that.

I have to dwell on my H...and I'm finding more and more ways to do that. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket...the basket of my marriage. It's the only way.

I was attracted to the title, "not a day goes by..." I believe my FWW is feeling the same feelings. Since you have been in her situation, any advice for me on how best to help her through it.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

I might be unusual here... When I think of the OW I think of the pain I caused my girlfriend and it kills me.

Consider this - yes, during a time my GF was rejecting me romantically my OW was showering me with acceptance and telling me how sexy I was but the affair is NOT REAL!!!!

You and your spouse discuss the kids, the bills etcetera. You see each other with bedhead and morning breath, you fart in each other's presence. In the affair there is no foundation - it is an escape from reality NOT REALITY... I realized that even when it was going on. The pain for the person who not only loves you - but is willing to take you back after you have crushed their soul and humiliated them ought to make the memory of the other person repulsive.... Tell me if I am missing something?

I too ended an affair yesterday via email..I just couldnt see him in person. I didnt want to have to break it off again..but I cant look at myself in the mirror..be with my husband or treated the OM with such disregard.
He hasnt emailed a response..hopefully he wont..I mmiss him already.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by notgoingtodothis:
<strong>I'm sorry for your pain. I am glad that you have posted here. And congratulations for not contacting him. Affair relationships only work about 5% of the time. Do you have children??
Focus on the positive, I am glad that you are here.</strong>[/QUOTE

Thanks for the reply. I keep hoping one day he will contact me. At this point I am not sure what I would do, but part of me keeps hoping he will contact me. Maybe it is the emotional part of being rejected by someone.., maybe your ego just needs to here from that person that rejected you to help you heel. NOt a lot of time now, will try to check in again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sincere1:
<strong>I totally understand as well. Letting go has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

At first,I was so in the Fog that I really had trouble processing my thoughts,and getting any perspective on things. I knew I loved my husband,wanted my marriage to work,etc...but the bottom line was I MISSED THE OM...terribly,painfully. I've also resigned myself to the fact that I will still have days of sadness about the loss of OM,probably for a long time to come. I find it hits me when I'm hormonal or down about something else.

My relationship was an EA that was mostly online,and that seems to trivialize it in some people's eyes. While I'm working through de-romanticizing the relationship,I still believe that my feelings,and his, were genuine. This was absolutely the first and only time such a thing had happened to either him or me.

But the feelings,though genuine, were wrong. I'm a Christian,and so is he,and I don't believe God would have sanctioned a relationship outside the sacred covenant of our marriages.

I'm hoping that over time, the memories of two years of friendship with this man (and I believe it didn't become inappropriate until the last two months) will become bittersweet,but not painful.

I know it may be hard for BS's to read this,and I'm truly sorry. But for many of us WS,the feelings were real.

Thank God,my husband loves me...I'm clinging to his love,falling more and more in love with him, and actively replacing thoughts of the OM with thoughts of my husband.

I'm making my life all about pleasing my husband and showing him how much I love him. His response to this has been overwhelming! It's a wonderful thing.

A few suggestions:

--Avoid listening to romantic,sad music about lost love. (I personally listen mostly to Christian music.)

--I love to read, so I read upbeat or positive things,or Christian fiction. It really helps take my mind off my troubles.

--When I'm tempted to dwell on thoughts and memories of the OM,I try to actively close the door on those thoughts and focus instead on my husband. Someone on this board told me to "take every thought captive"...that's literally what you have to do.

--Again,if you're a person of faith, prayer and Bible reading is invaluable.

--When you're feeling especially down or blue,do something that makes you happy: watch a funny movie,take a bubble bath,call a loving friend or relative.

--A lot of people here suggest exercise as a remedy for depression.

--If you're extremely down,don't hesitate to ask your doctor for anti-depressants.

I wish you the best. I know how hard it can be!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your advise. I am doing okay, but I guess I can't understand why these feelings haven't gone away. The whole time during the OR (I'm learning these signs) I never could figure out how life was suppose to continue without my husband, but when I was with the OM, that didn't seemed to matter, I somehow thought it was going to just work itself out. Will try to check in when I have more time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong>I was attracted to the title, "not a day goes by..." I believe my FWW is feeling the same feelings. Since you have been in her situation, any advice for me on how best to help her through it.

Sorry to hijack the thread.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Help me, I am new and having trouble understanding "FWW". Short on time, will check back later

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by paw7764:
<strong>I had an affair that ended in May 2001 and there has not been a day go by that I don't still think about him. I know where he is located, but I can't bring myself to contact him. The affair ended abruptly and I have not gotten over it since. He took a new job and moved to Houston. but instead of me going with him (his so called plans) because of his kids, he felt like he had to try one more time with his wife so instead of me moving to Houston with him, he moved his wife and kids. Since that time I have been trying to put my marriage back together that ended as a result of this affair but it is very hard because I can't get this man out of my mind. I miss him everyday and because his last letter told me to respect his decision and not contact him, I just can't bring myself to do that. This is hard.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing I want to mention, I was rejected by this OM, this was his idea. I have had a very hard time accepting this. My husband divorced me over the situation, but we have been back together since June 2001 and I am trying very hard to make things work and to be to him what he needs. He does know about the OM, and he has had to do some work himself to get over the relationship. But I understand that is part of it.

paw,

Perhaps it would help if you sat down and wrote out the whole story. I suspect then people here could give you more informed advice.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sincere1:
<strong>"...and I believe it didn't become inappropriate until the last two months..."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sincere1:

What happened in the last two months to make you feel that your relationship with OM had become "inappropriate".

Clyde

PAW,
Sorry.I tend to use some of the abreviations that I have learned over the past year.

FWW= Former Wayward Wife

Somewhere on the site there is a list of the abreviations.

Others are:

EA Emotional Affair
PA Physical ffair
EN Emotional Needs
NC No Contact
WS Wayward Spouse
WH Wayward Husband
BS Betrayed Spouse

Clyde,you asked: What happened in the last two months to make you feel that your relationship with OM had become "inappropriate".

Hope you don't mind,but I'm just copying and pasting my story which I had posted in another forum on this site:

The FOM and I had been online friends for two years,having met on a Christian forum that was very spiritual and wholesome. In fact,FOM was one of the most intelligent and able theological debaters on the site,and had actually set up a lot of hedges around his marriage...his wife knew all his online passwords,for example,and was free to open all his e-mail. (The EA was mostly conducted through online chat and phone calls). Neither of us had EVER had anything like this happen to us before.

It kind of happened like the proverbial frog in the kettle. Starting out completely wholesome,innocent,even spiritual,then before you know it a connection has been formed that is very strong. The catalyst for what became an intense online EA was when we finally met in person (under very innocent circumstances,with our spouses and a lot of other people present).

Meeting and realizing there was physical chemistry on top of the mental and emotional connection was just too much. Within days after meeting,we had convinced ourselves that we were in love with each other,were soulmates that were destined to be together forever,and were making longrange plans to leave our spouses and marry each other.

Well,after two months of this,we were found out... and it was immediately clear that we had been living in a fantasy world. Bottom line: we are both Christians who believe in the sacred covenant of marriage,and there was no way we could justify violating that. We do not have contact with each other at all,but I have solid reason to believe that he and his wife are doing everything possible to restore and heal their marriage,and my husband and I are doing the same.

Quite honestly,the withdrawal was horrible for me. Ghastly,painful. However,I kept most of the pain to myself,not wanting to hurt my husband with the fact that I still had such strong feelings. (However,with that sixth sense that husbands often have,my husband sensed it strongly.)

So even though I would technically characterize only the last two months of the relationship as an EA,it probably bordered on that for some time previously.

Why was this man so important to me? Well, I could write a book on the sadness I was feeling about my marriage prior to the EA,and even prior to the online friendship at all. Although I'm seen as outgoing and even successful,I have had a major inferiority complex all my life. My parents and siblings were my cheerleaders, but my husband had pretty much ignored this need. I also was convinced my husband did not care about my needs or my feelings AT ALL,and I didn't even believe he really loved me. OM came along and cared very much about me,my talents,my abilities,my skills. He also thought I was beautiful and desirable,and told me so...something else my husband never did. There's more,but you probably don't feel like reading a book!

Basically,although I did care for the man,I'm sure I cared most for the WAY he made me FEEL. That's probably true of your wife too,and that's good news for you,because YOU can make her feel the same way!

You also asked:
Was there anything imparticular your H did or didn't do that was a tremendous help?

Well,the very first thing my husband did made an enormous impression on me. When I had told him everything,he sat there stunned for several minutes. Then he came toward me (I was sitting in a chair across from him). I flinched, thinking he might hit me or something, although he had never physically abused me before. Instead,he put his arms around me and told me he loved me.

This wasn't enough to lift the fog at the time,but it was a powerful gesture that moved me tremendously and stayed with me during the next few weeks.

At first,my husband did a lot of things wrong. BS's,in your justified demands of NC and need to know where your WS is at every moment, please remember that this can be very strangling and claustrophic for the fogbound and emotionally fragile WS. I know,you're thinking "tough luck"...and I agree that NC is of paramount importance; I'm convinced I never would have emerged from the fog without it. But be careful about your spirit and attitude while enforcing it. If you come across as a jack-booted Gestapo,that is going to be counter-productive and HURT your cause,not help it.

This very nearly happened in our case. In my H's zeal to control every move I made,even getting freaked when I would spend too long in the restroom at a restaurant (something I've ALWAYS done),I felt like I was going to lose it,and I almost did.

OK,what he did right:

1)He wised up and stopped L-B'ing by being too controlling of my every move. (Yes,you have a right to know all about your WS's schedule,but let them take a pee without freaking.)

2)He started meeting my EN's in a big way. He would send me e-mails and cards telling me how beautiful and desirable I am,and how much he loves me. (FYI,I am doing the same things for him). Whereas he had never been one to show any affection in front of other people, he started going out of his way to do so! We constantly hold hands and even occasionally kiss in public now,something that makes me feel wonderful.

3)He has arranged nights away for just the two of us,and treats me like a queen during those times.

4)He has gone out of his way to bring me thoughtful little (and sometimes big) gifts "just because."

5)He makes a point to praise me and brag on me in front of other people.

6)He makes an effort to do fun things with me,takes me out to dinner,enjoyable time together without talking about the EA.

These are the main things. One thing I need to tell you is that,even during my Fog,I was going through the motions of trying to restore my marriage. I was making a major effort to meet my husband's EN's despite the fact that often, my heart wasn't in it.

As his love for me has become more obvious and overt,I have responded to it in kind. The love I had for him that smoldering inside me has caught fire again. As he shows me more love,I show him more love,and it becomes a beautiful cycle!

Coming on this site helped tremendously...it caused me to do a couple of things to actively work on getting the OM out of my mind. Also,it helps to know that the OM is working on HIS marriage too,and is not contacting me at all. If I thought of him as still yearning for me,that would make it doubly hard to let go.

We still have setbacks. Just last night my husband had a major trigger episode that left him scared and shaking. He had nothing to worry about,but he doesn't KNOW that. I held him, reassured him of my love for him and my faithfulness to him,but I know there will be these times. It's part of the painful fall-out,the inescapable consequences of my actions.

And to be honest,I know there will be periods of sadness for me about the loss of the OM's friendship. I'm being perfectly honest with you.

But the bottom line is,my husband loves me and I love him.

Sincere1:

Thanks for responding.

I haven't seen where you have given your age or your H's age. You seem to have the wisdom of an older person.

Also .. do you have children?

I like your advice to BSs to help them get over WSs misdeeds and rebuild the M.

Clyde