Hi,Clyde. I have posted a lot of the story here and there in other threads,but it never hurts to go over it again. I find it helps me sort things out and is somewhat therapeutic! So,here goes...warning,it's going to be loooong.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
How did OM's W discover that you and OM (her H) were in an EA?--Without going into specifics...OMW found communication between OM and me on the computer. Very damning evidence,in our own words,exposing our innermost thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
What did she do? What did she say to you? Did she tell your H?--I first learned of it through an e-mail from her,early one morning at my workplace. Practically the first line of the e-mail was her assertion that she would NEVER,under any circumstances,let me have her H (we had been planning to divorce our spouses and marry each other). Funny thing...my first thought after reading that line (after feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck),was: "Of course. I won't try to take him away." I knew immediately the jig was up...the fantasy was over.
In the e-mail,I believe she told me I needed to tell my H or she would do it herself...something to that effect.
I did two things immediately. First I e-mailed her and told her I was more sorry than I could possibly say,and that I would be calling her later (I was still hoping to try and get through some work demands before dealing with it further,although I realize now I was practically in shock and in no shape to do my job.) Then,I thought better of it and called her.
She was,understandably,irate. She screamed at me and called me every thing in the book,and I totally understood. I let her,amd took it as meekly and quietly as possible. Pretty much my only comments were "You're right...I deserve everything you're saying to me." I also told her I was going to call my H as soon as I got off the phone with her. She didn't know the whereabouts of her OM,since she had kicked him out the night before. I promised to send him back to her if he showed up. Basically,as I told you,I realized with crystal clarity that it was all over.
Next,I got a call from the OM. We didn't really say much of anything...we were both stunned and shell-shocked.
I then told my co-workers that I was sick and had to leave (I'm sure they had no trouble believing that,as I did feel sick and was pale as a ghost).
I then called my husband and told him I had something very serious to talk to him about. I went home,and I told him everything. He says that was his September 11th. Basically,his world exploded. At the time,I didn't know which end was up...if I really loved my husband...what was going to happen next...anything. I was just so confused and fogbound in a major,major way. I wasn't even hurting yet from the loss of the OM (that came later)...again,I was just numb,kinda zombie-like.
Later that day,after a long sort-of "goodbye" session,in person,with the OM (I now thank God with all my heart and soul that the EA did NOT become a PA during that day...it easily COULD have),I was realizing that the EA was over,although I still hadn't come to grips with the fact that I would NEVER see him again and that "NO CONTACT" would be the painful but necessary guideline that would have to be instituted to save both our marriages.
How did I feel about her finding it out? Oh...so many feelings...
Ashamed and embarrassed that she had read things never meant for her to see. Real regret and sorrow that she had read them when I knew they had to cause her immeasurable pain. (There was no cybersex in the EA,but there were some intimate things said. However,I think the most painful things for her to read,had to be our repeated declarations of love for each other and the great amount of tenderness evidenced in what she read. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
(My only tiny ray of light in that matter was that she also had to read the many times I said things like "Your W doesn't deserve this...she is a good person",etc, and my verbal agonizing over the wrongness of it and what it would do to her and his children and my H and my children.)
Since I was,as I told you,numb and zombie-like that day,a lot of my FEELINGS didn't surface till later. They included remorse and repentance...leading to reconciliation with the Lord, who I had virtually ignored for two months. Other feelings that surfaced in the raw,painful days following D-Day: sorrow and sadness over the pain I had caused my H ( I NEVER,in all my wildest dreams, thought it would hurt him so much....I had really convinced myself he didn't love me)...sorrow over the loss of OM's friendship and just missing him very much...annoyance and frustration at my H for being the "meanie" who demanded NC and wanted to know all the particulars about my communication and whereabouts (despite realizing he had a RIGHT to demand these things)...annoyance at OM's W for being the one to discover it all and bring it all out of the closet...ALTERNATED with relief that it was over and realization that it would never have worked...gladness that my H still loved me,still wanted me,was forgiving me...
(Can you see what a whirlwind of conflicting emotions a WS goes through? The good news is,these emotions are leveling out the farther away I get from D-Day and the more the Fog becomes a thing of the past. Now,uppermost is the desire to restore my marriage and focus on my H.)
Later that day,after I had sent the OM back to her, I called her again and we talked for quite a while. She was calmer then,although again understandably VERY angry...mostly at me,not her H. I think it helped her to view me as the villainess,and I didn't disabuse her of this if it helped her to think that way at the time. I figured,this was probably the worst day of her life...I was not about to do anything to make it worse.
My tone and spirit were completely meek and humble the entire time. I begged her forgiveness,told her she would probably never be able to forgive me but I hoped someday she would be able to. I promised her I wouldn't contact him.
Since that time (five months ago) I have received a letter and two e-mails from her. She graciously told me that she has forgiven me,and even apologized for the names she called me on D-Day! Her graciousness and kindness to me are truly amazing,and can only be because of Christ in her life. She and her H are committed to restoring their marriage,as I and my H are ours.
In the last e-mail I sent her,I re-iterated my deep remorse and regret for the pain I had caused her. I told her I thought she is a remarkable person,and that I wished her and her family nothing but the best. She had left it open-ended for us to continue corresponding at will, but I told her I didn't think that would be a good idea.
This is how I ended my final e-mail reply to her:
"...please know that you have my warmest hopes and prayers for a bright future for you and your family. I have no doubt that the Lord will tremendously bless your kind and forgiving spirit! I am clinging to the truth that,as you said,God's providence is evident in everything that has transpired.
With my heartfelt hopes for God's richest blessings on you and your family..."
I still cry sometimes,not only for the pain I caused my H,but for the pain I caused her. It is a fearsome thing to be the instrument to cause such hurt to a fellow human being. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I do praise God that she has chosen to forgive me,but I will forever have to live with what I did to her.
When you carry on an EA, you tend to block out the rest of the world,even the spouses involved. You get this notion,at times,that you and the OP are the only people in the universe. But everything has consequences,as someone pointed out...affairs even affect extended family members and friends.
IT'S NOT WORTH IT...not in any way,shape or form...and as I've said before, I wish so many times that I could just wake up and it had all been a nightmare. I'm sure my H feels the same way.
Clyde, I've pretty much bared my soul here...hope it will be of some help to you and others. The good news: this EA was a wake-up call to all four spouses involved. My prayer is that our respective marriages will be much better and stronger than they were before.
God is so good...he can take something that Satan meant for evil, and actually bring some good things out of it! That is my prayer...not only for me, but for all the wounded and suffering spouses on this forum.
