I've posted this on another one of my threads, but I wanted to get it out here and see what everyone thinks. The following is what I've done so far with my Plan A. Am I on the right track or have I missed the boat completely?

I just finished HN/HN, she read it too. Unfortunately I think she applied it to OM instead of me. oops!! I plan on reading "Surviving an Affair" as soon as possible.

I know this is only the beginning, and I'm sure I'm making mistakes with my plan A, here it is so far let me know if I'm off track or not:
1)I try and be more upbeat, not only around her, but all the time.
2) When I'm around her I try not to get emotional or upset, I keep it in until I have somewhere I can vent (or breakdown) alone.
3) I have not asked about OM, although I desperately want to ask if they've talked or seen each other.
4) I try to console her, tell her I want to be her best friend because I do. She pushes me away, I tell her I'm here for her when she's ready.
5) I've stopped doing the things she says bother her: calling, e-mail, saying I Love You, touching, being too close to her.
6) I have not talked about reconcilliation unless she brings it up. If we do talk I tell her I know it can/will work, but only if we both fix ourselves first.
7) I have been picking up the slack around the house, cooking meals (complex ones too, not Mac & Cheese or PBJ), cleaning house, doing laundry. Doing the little things like replacing lightbulbs right away instead of the usual 2-3 weeks.
8) I've began to spend more time with my kids. Some just talking, some doing projects, but I try to avoid sitting in front of the TV like we used to. Just because we're cuddling in front of the TV doesn't mean it's quality time, I realize that now.
9) I've began IC for my problems. I've spent a considerable amount of time researching my symptoms and my family history. It's been very enlightening. I share these things with my wife because she seems genuinely interested.
10) I've gone back to church and found one that the kids and I like. If wife comes (she promised she would, but now she's backing out) that's good, if not we're still going.
11) I've began to MAKE myself eat. I've lost 15 lbs this past month and my clothes are falling off me.
12) I've started a work out program that I'm convinced will kill me, but it's a positive way to release my tension and frustration.
13) Probably the biggest and hardest thing I've done is put myself in check. Normally when I have something new I dive in head first 110 mph. I'm slowing everything down and trying to take baby steps with everything.

This is probably the 1 thing that she will be waiting for. I usually jump in head first, then tire of something and drop it after a few months or so. Personally I think her 10 year time line is a little off, but if that's what it takes.

I've resisted urges to call someone for comfort. Sometimes I need a hug or kind word so bad I want to. But I know that will only lead to more problems, and it will fix nothing.

I've talked to her about Anti-D. She won't have it. She says she knows what depression is, she's been living with it most of her life. She's not depressed anymore. I agree she's lived with depression her whole life, but I wish she would seek help for it. She's studying Psychology so she thinks she's taking care of herself. I think all she's doing is educating herself so she knows what to tell IC, maybe not consciously, but on a subconscious level I think that's what she's doing. She's so pig headed she thinks she can do everything on her own and doesn't need anyone to help her (I need to thank her mom for that one).

When she's in bed I usually do housework or do something with the kids. I try to talk to her when I go in to wake her up, but only if she lets me.

I've tried to put my needs aside, but that's hard. She knows me so well she can see when I need something.

I know this has been extremely long winded, but if I put it all out there maybe someone can see some holes in it, or see something I can change/modify.

TM94.........this all sounds TOO familiar-my WH says I didn't pay enough attention to him which is what sent him wandering.....HA! but anyway...now if I do pay attention.......I get shut down. If I talk too much- be quiet- if I never talk- why are you so quiet.....I don't understand why I have to use what seems to be reverse psychology to get him thru the fog.....its been 13 weeks since d-day......if I go along ''happy'' ((forget and move on style))all is well.....but if I have ANY issue/question/trigger moment- he does the eye-roll-here-we-go-again routine.......can't wait to hear the feedback........!

Seems as if you are doing things okay for Plan A.

1 & 2. Good.
3. Just assume they have seen each other.
4 & 5. It's okay to try these but do not overdo it. Usually the ws will see it a "smothering" them. Usually it is what the bs is doing. Need to back off a bit.
6. Good. Let her bring it up. As far as "fixing yourselves" first, she probably doesn't see anything wrong with her actions or views. It is more a matter of fixing the way you interact with each other and take each others feelings into account.
7. The things you are doing are things you should be prepared to do for the rest of your life. (see below)
8. Great. Focusing on kids) will help them to get through this no matter the outcome.
9. Counseling is great. I'd be a bit careful at this point in discussing it in detail with your spouse. You are pointing out reasons she may not want to be with you.
10. Great! Focusing on God and showing your children He is an important part of your life will be good for them.
11 & 12. These are by far two of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do for your physical & emotional well being at this time. Just before/during the time I found out about my wife, I lost 35 lbs in 5 weeks. I'm 6 ft tall and only weighed 200, so it was not as if I was big to begin with. Exercise & proper sleep will help to relive the tension & stress.

13. Almost all bs want to get everything fixed & NOW! They go overboard. This usually drives the ws away as they tend to think it is being done only to bring them back into the marriage.
Now from #7 above as well as 13.
MB is about understanding you behaviors, how they affect your relationship and how to change these behaviors to the benefit of the relationship. You are not doing these as a temporary fix. It won't work.
Also, fixing your relationship requires two people. You do what you can. If your wife is not willing to do anything, then it will not work. This is what Plan A is all about. You are showing these changes to your spouse.

You show her you are actually making lasting changes to make her see the relationship can change.

I've talked to her about Anti-D. She won't have it.
One mistake bs usually make after they start reading about relationships/affairs is trying to "educate" the spouse in the what is happening and how it can change/be repaired. Just tell her you are doing what you can to understand it all and the let her see the changes.

Ruth,
That's EXACTLY what I'm going through right now! If I'm having a good upbeat day she looks at me with this puzzled look and says "What are you so happy about?" But it's usually pretty good.

If I have a bad day, it's the dreaded "Eye Roll" and a bunch of "Whatever" or one word answers. Sometimes I just want to slap the S*** out of her and say WAKE UP ALREADY!!

Chris,
Thanks for the feedback. You are right, there are things I'm doing that I'm not sure if I will continue forever. But then again, if she leaves and I'm alone with the kids then they are. So I guess it all depends, not sure.

I did make the mistake in the beginning of trying to "educate" her. I sent her articles, web sites, bought books, talked to her. She took it for a while, then she finally told me how much she resented it all. So, I've stopped all "education" for her, I'm still soaking it in like a sponge.

Thanks for the feedback, I really do appreciate it because I'm not exactly sure WHAT I'm doing.

I've been thinking about asking her if she wants me to move to the couch. She's never mentioned this, but I'm wondering if it would be a good gesture on my part to give her space.

Thoughts, commments, suggestions?

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<small>[ January 15, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: TM94 ]</small>

hey TM94 good day.........?! Still seems like I am doing all the repairing......welcome to San Francisco.....FOG is heavy on WH side....like standing on the Golden Gate on a bad day. My weeks are marked by Sundays-dday was a Sunday- I still go teach my teen class every Sunday morning- talk to all my church friends-and walk out the church door to the same spot where dday all came down 13 Sundays ago......some things- I just can't escape! OW still lives up the street-and unless we travel BLOCKS out of our way.......we/I pass her house EVERYDAY, no matter where we are going. Now if I can just put the other facts behind me- WH prom queen sweetheart being the OW..23 years later...etc.......maybe I can get off XANAX and reclaim my OWN life some time?? At the end of the day.......I'm not tired.....I am weary. I am surrounded by supporting friends and my grown sons- and I hate hiding my true feelings all the time from my sons ((Mom are you ok??))and WH..((NOW what did I do...))...so by the time 9 p.m. comes around everyday I retreat to my room-where I don't go all day- just to SIGH and try to shake the burden of just BEING all day. I am reading the Authentic Self book again (Sarah Ban Breathnach?) and she gears me up for another day. Today I went to visit a friend that I shut off months ago- for me that is progress-I am not truly agoraphobic but it is a constant joke with my friends under ''normal''circumstances and lately I am really a stay home chick. I tried to open my car hood and fill the washer thing-its so cold-couldn't get the latch open-so much for that bit of independence! LOL I went to the full serve gas station and they washed my windshield....! well thats my progress report for the day- I only sent my WH one email today-it said ''to the world you may just be one person-but to one person you may just be the world'' no response-SOP-standard operating procedure for him.......how goes everyone elses day??

Ruth,
I'm doing ok I suppose. It's hard for me because I have no one here. All of my family lives 800 miles away, my best friend is also OM, any other friends I have (2) are mutual friends with OM, so I'm left all by myself.

I know what you mean by being reminded of OP. D-day was after school one night. The new semester started Monday night and I thought I was going to die. Her classes are less than 1000 yards from his office. OM lives just a little ways up the street, don't have to pass his house all the time, but whenever we go into town we do.

It's been a roller coaster lately. One day she's nice and appears to try, the next day her head is spinning on her shoulders and her eyes are bugging out. I truly believe she has been in contact with OM, they are just being EXTREMELY sneaky about it now.

All I ask for is a little honesty, but it seems that's just too much to ask. Me being so "Fragile" and all can't handle the truth.

I started a new work out program, I have never had such motivation. It's unbelievable how much anger and frustration can be taken out on inanimate objects! I find myself becoming increasingly angry lately. That's one reason I started the work out program, I have to release this somewhere and in a productive manner.

I've been thinking about asking her if she wants me to move to the couch. She's never mentioned this, but I'm wondering if it would be a good gesture on my part to give her space.
No. Give her space yes, but don't do things which are not causing problems. Don't try and read her mind (too much) and react to what you think, unless there are clear signs.

It could be taken as you don't want to be around her.

Same with any discussion of divorce. (This is direct from Steve Harley) Do not bring it up in any way. If she brings it up, just tell her "I do not want a divorce". And don't say, "I don't want a divorce yet." It sounds as if you are challenging her to make you want to divorce her.

800 miles away from your WW??????? in my life, the OW H lives 3,000 miles away to work- home for a weekend once every 6 weeks- not very helpful tome!- no way to keep track of his wandering wife.....this is exactly why Jerry Springer has a show......because he can! sick ain't it?

oh sorry - I get it- everyone else that could/would be your support lives 800 miles away- bummer- my biggest helper-my oldest sister-lives 3,000 miles away but she gets me through....calls me everyday......

Chris,
Thanks. I guess with everything else if she didn't want to sleep in the same bed with me she wouldn't. As far as the topic of Divorce goes I never bring it up. But when she does I tell her I don't want it, and I will contest it if/when she files. I tell her I don't want a separation, but understand that she doesn't trust me enough to begin her counseling and live in the same house with me. It's hard, but I think a separation may be necessary for her to work out her problems from the past. I wish she could do it while she still lives at home, but I do understand why she cannot.

Ruth,
Yes, my wife is still at home, still sleeping in the same bed. But we are away from our family. Nobody here but us. I feel sorry for her too, she doesn't have anyone to talk to either. She calls her mom every once in a while, but not very often and I'm sure she doesn't tell her everything. I think it's more to hear someone that agrees with her and tells her it's ok to leave me. Her mom is the only one that is ok with this, everyone else thinks she's a little looney....

Ok, Here's an update from the past couple of days. Not sure if I'm doing what I need/am supposed to do, but this is what's been happening.

On my way home from the gym last night I stopped and got her a tanning membership. She's been talking about it lately, how much she misses the tanner, how bad she needs to get back. And I know that sunlight (even the fake stuff) does bring a person's mood up. So I stopped and got her a gift certificate.

She was very appreciative, even hugged me (TWICE). She asked why and I just told her I knew she wanted it, and I thought it might help her get out of the dumps. She said thanks again.

And, I stopped and picked up a scroll saw to cut out my son's pinewood derby car (cub scouts). In the past I've always used a jig saw and did A LOT of sanding becuase it was so horrible. I've always been too cheap to buy a good saw that would work better. Now, I don't see it in the same light. I see it like this: If I can do something that will make HIM feel better, and make things better for MY SON then you can't put a price tag on it. Kinda like that Master Card commercial.

This surprised her too. She kept asking what was wrong with me, why I wasn't sticking to my "budget" that she despises so much, and why I was doing these things. I just told her I knew the tanning membership would make her happy, and what was a few bucks for a new saw to help my son.

I wasn't sure if I should buy the tanning membership or not. I didn't want her to take it the wrong way. And, I honestly don't want OM to reap the rewards of my gift and money. That was probably the biggest hang up. The night before I picked her up a couple pairs of undies. She has been saying she needed more, so it was an impulse. Wasn't sure about that one for the same reasons, but I did it anyway.

Thoughts?

Hey TM- if my WH brought me a gift like that I'd be over the moon- he accepts what I give him- but doesn't make a big deal out of most of my efforts.....fog....I took both of my sons through scouts- even became a bonafide trained Scoutmaster and went to camp. ahhhh pinewood derby...back when life was simple?! I live in a house where we could build anything- we have every tool-way to go with the new saw! Change is what all this A mess leads us to- right? so changing your 'budget'' issues sounds like a ''good thing Martha'' if that was an ISSUE. Our gym closed so we are getting a family membership to the Y tonite.......can't believe my sons said yes to going for the joining/tour but I am glad- they are SO not interested in anything involving their father and he doesn't understand AT ALL why we are so changed.......so sign me; still patiently (!!!#$&$%#@) waiting for the fog to clear........

Ruth,
My wife has always helped my son with his car. She's very artistic and can do AMAZING things. I would always cut it out, and help a little with the sanding, but sadly enough I have to admit she helped him more than I did.

This year I'm doing everything. It took me 3-4 hours to draw out the design he wanted. It would only have taken her 10 minutes, but she said she was impressed.

Glad to see you and the kids are going to the Y. I know what you mean about the FOG. Makes you wish you could just get a big sun machine and burn it off doesn't it?

The budget has always been an issue. She hates it, and I can't do without it. The majority of our marriage she has done the bills, partially because my job required me to travel frequently, partly because when it came time to pay the bills I would get physically sick because we didn't have enough money. A few months ago I took the bills back because I wasn't happy with our finances, this was against her will, she saw it as a failure on her part and controlling on mine. But it was something that HAD to be done.

TODAY'S UPDATE:
She's called me a couple of times today. This is highly unusual. She used to call 3-5 times a day, and I used to do the same. But since D-day she hasn't called at all. No real meaningful conversations, just little things mostly. But nothing that couldn't have waited until tonight.

I just got off the phone with her, she was down, crying. Said she was going to quit school, etc. I asked if she was ok, no response, I asked if she wanted to talk, she said NO, I told her if she needed anything to let me know, and I could come home from work if she wanted me to. She said NO, said she had to go and hung up.

So, here we go again... we'll see how this plays out. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut this time and just see if she'll let me be there for her. She's got school tonight, maybe she will talk when she gets home.

Hey TM94 how goes the weekend?

Ok, this is going to be a bit on the lengthy side, it's been a long weekend. I'll try and give you the "Readers Digest" version of events.

At some point last week we had a discussion about how we act around each other. She said she was afraid to be nice to me because I might take it the wrong way. I told her I would take everything at face value, and if we are still living together we should try to be as pleasant as possible, even playful and flirty if that's what she felt like (she brought that subject up, said she was supressing feelings so she wouldn't get my hopes up).

The weekend for the most part was unbelievable. First the good things:
1)She is talking to me normally now, not angry, sad, hurt, etc. Just the way she used to be.
2)She gives me hugs now, even initiated a couple of kisses (little pecks).
3)She initiated sex, after a teasing session which she said she felt guilty about. She said she didn't want it, but gave it to me because she thought "I needed it".
4)She has been cuddling me in bed, or asking me to cuddle her because she's cold.
5)She's been pleasant and fun to be around.
6)She slipped an "I Love You" on the way out the door the other night, nothing with feeling or true emotion, just one of those "I Love You" out the door habbit things. But, that's the first one in nearly a month.
7)I washed her car and cleaned out the inside for her, it needed it. She noticed and thanked me the next morning.
8) I made cupcakes for my daughter's birthday party at school. She thanked me several times.
9) We went to the mall and she asked me to wear a particular sweater because she liked it on me.

OK, not sure what, if anything, any or all of this means. But if nothing else it's making our time left together enjoyable instead of miserable.

Now for the bad:
1) She mentioned something about her mom knowing about the key mark on her car. I said "that's nice, now she thinks I'm a psycho. But I bet she doesn't know WHY your car got keyed." (Background: I keyed her car and let the air out of her tires on D-Day #1 when she was at OM's house). She responded angrily with "Mind your own business". LB#1
2) We were in a store and she picked me out a pair of shorts for the gym. She commented that there were more on another rack, I asked her which she liked better. Her response was something to the effect of "Make up your own mind for once." I was just asking her opinion, but she took it differently.
3) She didn't go to church with us again. To argue her side she didn't get any sleep on Saturday because we went to the mall, then had to work Sat night. So, she was exhausted Sunday morning.
4)She had IC appt Mon Morn. IC told her nothing wrong with her, she's dealing with things perfectly, she didn't need an IC. She told me and I was flooded with emotion, not sure exactly what or why. She made me lay down with her and take a nap, held my head. I did cry, couldn't stop the tears. BUT, there was no breakdown, no uncontrollable sobbing, just tears running down my face that wouldn't stop, and I didn't know why.

I still have no reason to believe that there has been contact with OM. But I wonder if she's acting this way to cover up for contact, or is she coming out of the fog (already?), or has she reverted back to trying to make this easier on me, or is she just being herself?

I know, A LOT of info here, sorry it's so long. I've got more, but we'll start here and see where it goes.