i haven't posted for a while. wife was insisting i moved out of house and got to counselling after 6 weeks. why 6 weeks i don't know. i agreed to this as she swore she wasn't seeing om but admitted to phoning him for support occasionally. anyway to test the truth before moving out on these terms i put a tape near where she phones a few days before christmas. tape went on for three hours mainly to her girlfriend. they were discussing how she could sneak out of house the night before christmas eve to see om. when i confronted her with this she said it was all a hoax to wind me up and her girlfriend was in on the whole thing. i know obviously that's a lie!!! with this knowledge i refused to move out and dug my heals in. i said if you want divorce and me out of the house just get your lawyer to threaten me with this and i will know it is all over and i will move out without a fight. she woudln't do this. terrible rows continued with kids upset. she moved out to rented house 2 nights ago and is very angry at me for because she felt she had to take 3 of the kids with her - her choice. i think her plan is to get me to look after kids for weekend in return so she will go away on her own. i wish she would tell me the truth so i can divorce her with all the facts. at present divorce doesn't suit me as i would have to move out of house and mentally am not quite up to it yet. she continues to make the situation worse without wanting a divorce. do i stay quiet when she goes away this weekend?? i can't bear this linbo anymore. i text and phoned om in angry mood after tape 3 weeks ago and put my position to him daying that the limbo is killing the kids and please tell me truth so i can make decision. he refused to give me any information not surprisingly. how can the pair of them be so mean? all i want is closure one way or the other. she tells me she hates me and doesn't want me so why isn't she divorcing me?? by the way 2 weeks before christmas my lawyer sent her a letter asking for divorce without actually filing, it upset her so i backed down hoping she might see the light of day. her anger came back within 1 day of this and hasn't stopped since. i still don't want divorce because my life will change to suddenly and she keeps giving me a glimmer of hope evey now and then. with her moving out is this a plan b?? i hvae ignored some of her calls in the last day and i know this is annoying her.

Sorry your in this situation. I went through something very similar! This subject is so confusing it is almost impossible to know what exactly to do...

In retrospect I can offer this advise. Be sure you know why you want to continue this marriage. I "saved" my marriage but I didn't want to own up to the fact that alot of my desire to hold on stemmed from fear of having to deal with the other person, not seeing my kids as much, being alone, and wondering if I could find someone else...

If you know you love her and want to continue, I think you need to hand tough and force her to make a decision by your conduct not your words. See the kids as much as you can. Plan on focusing on work / hobbies to get your head together. If she truly loves you, this may be the wake up call.

My wife didn't "decide" until I had totally given up on her. I was moved out and she called to talk about our marriage and I simply couldn't even get angry or upset... She tried to push my buttons but I could only muster a laugh and say whatever...

This is when she suddenly realized that I was no longer hers to toy with.

I think your wife probably still does care about you but also cares about the other guy too. She is trying to figure out who the best person to be with is... You must be ok because she is probably afraid that if she leaves she will be losing what she KNOWS is a good thing (+ bad too).

Anyway, if you are staying because you are afraid, I would really dig down and ask yourself if you can live with yourself in the future.

thanks almost2years, i think you have read the situation very well. i do love her but i am still afraid of the future without her as you describe. she didn't go away for weekend but wound me up by threatening to do so and we had another big fight in front of kids. i have as you say reached the stage were i can now suggest divorce without seeming to care and this at least makes me feel in control. she repeats herself so much i have also started to smile when she argues which infuriates her! i dont think she will be able to stand the rented place for long so she is under an awful lot of pressure. she also doesnt want our friends to know she has moved out and was really angry the other night because friends asked me out alone to a local pub "where i might have been seen by one of my employees" causing gossip. none of it makes sense!!! as i say divorce doesnt suit me and i feel i owe it to the kids to hang in as long as possible. also if it does happen and she gets to keep house and kids i dont think i could face living locally and would probably move away and even work abroad for a while. can you tell me more about your experience? did you get used to your wife cheating during the spell you were sepearated??

Sounds like you have a terrible plan A from which to Plan B. If so, what would be the point?

If you think D is the worse option for you, get back on to Plan A. Yes, it's going to suck and you have a lot of skepticism to overcome, but until she can say, "you've changed" you're just drifting in limbo towards D.

FWIW, don't just smile when WS repeats herself. It sounds very smug and condescneding when you describe it. Show understanding even if you disagree with her opinion.

If you're 100% sure about D, then save yourself the grieve and go ahead. If you're not, it might help you to take it off the table completely for now. Even if you say you're not, it sounds like your actions are helping you move that way.

Finally, some paragraphs would help people to read along your posts more easily.