H of 11 years (dated for 8 prior) called me from a conference in San Francisco to tell me that he
wanted to make our marriage work, but that he had kissed another woman.

The OW was a close friend from church who is also
married. I provided daycare for their toddler as a matter of fact.

Our marriage had been less than what we both wanted for a long time.
About 3 years into our marriage I stopped trying to get him to
understand why I was unhappy and unfulfilled. By the time he started
trying to tell me the very same thing we were both leading very
independent lives. I had friends to meet my needs and he turned to
this woman because she was already meeting those needs in their friendship.

She told him that she had feelings for him at the end of
August (she later told him that she had had romantic feelings for him
for about 15 months before that) and at the beginning of Sept. they
met for lunch to talk and kissed.

When he called me from SF I was devastated. His next call he admitted
to having an affair with this woman for 3 months and in fact she was
with him in SF. Never would I have
thought he would risk his salvation over this.

He came
back and we talked and I don't want my marriage to be over. I would
love to have a husband who wanted to meet my needs and I certainly
don't want my children to go through the anguish of a separation.
They should be allowed to be innocent and children and kept away from
all of this disappointment and misery. So I told him if he was
willing to work on improving our marriage that I was too.

It has
been almost 7 weeks and this past tuesday he told me that there had
been contact. He had agreed to no contact and that if she initiated
he would try to hang up, but if he couldn't and was weak, he would
call and tell me. Apparently she didn't even wait a week before
calling him and he obviously did not call and tell me. They have talked every 3-4 days including him calling
her sometimes. He says it is the friendship part of the relationship
that he misses most and is struggling with feeling isolated from
friends at church because of what happened.

He says they did not
meet or talk about getting back together, but I really don't know
what I can believe and what I can't. I don't trust myself not to
want so badly to believe that I just keep getting hurt over and over
again. The only reason he told me they had been
talking was because her husband got a copy of her cell phone bill and
apparently they were both unsmart enough to call from cell phones
which leave a trail(not that I was smart enough to go check, I was
too busy trusting him again). He knew that her husband would email me
and
tell me, so he quickly told me himself.

I feel like an idiot because
even now i still want my marriage to work. I told him that this was
it. I would not subject myself to this again. If there was anything
at all, he would have to leave. I would finish out the school year
here with our kids and then move in with his mom in another state until I
could figure out how to support us.

I just
want to run away. I hate that weighing just her or me, he would have
picked her. The kids is why he is staying that and not wanting to go to
hell, which I think he could convince himself would not be true if he
wanted to.
I really do believe that he wants to make our marriage work, but he
is too vulnerable to her and his feelings for her to be strong when
it counts.

I need to know what I am supposed to do if he gives in
again. How do I raise 3 girls by myself without a job. I am skilled
and
trained in Daycare, but I don't want to have to put my kids in
Daycare and work, just because he decided to mess up all of our
lives.

I really felt like we had made progress. We were feeling
like we were best friends again and I was starting to believe that we
could get that romantic/I want to spend the rest of my life with this
person feeling again. Now it all seems fake, because the whole time he was lying to me agian. I was starting to love him again, and then he
tells me about the phone calls. I feel like an idiot all over
again.

I feel like I can work through this and keep trying, but I
also feel like I need to be practical. Even if he
falls again, I have no desire to divorce him. He may force that on
me, but i cannot willingly do it. I don't want to think negatively, but I will only have 3
months to make a move before the kids will need to be back into
school.

Our 6 month plan is that in June we'll have our 2 week
vacation to judge the growth in our feelings for each other
and evaluate if there has been lessening in his feelings for her. If
there has not been lessening I think I'll want to move (I just can't help feeling that living here is hindering our progress). We could move to a
different county( which he has said he would agree to) and he would still be able to keep this job, but I
am not convinced this is enough distance as he would be close enough to have contact and I would not be here to know it.

I may have to say we move
out of state with or without you, I'm just not sure I can do it. Am I being selfish to do this to my children, just because I want it all? If in the 6 month time he messes up again, he
moves out and we finish the school year and then I don't know what I will do.

We both want to feel that romantic love, but are afraid that we will not be able to get it back. I feel like I if I allow myself to fall in love with him again, he is going to hurt me again, because he is still in love with her and hasn't moved past that yet. I don't know if he ever will and don't I deserve more than that?

I am trying so hard to keep my taker down and figure out what his emotional needs are and how I can meet them. He is working on meeting my needs as well, but everything else easily distracts him from us and I'm not sure how long I can go on giving it all I've got and only getting back the little that he can do.

Since finding out about the phone calls, I have seen more of an effort on his part to try to meet my need to feel loved and cherished, but I worry if I can hold out long enough to let this work before I have to do something drastic to ensure my children are not left sitting in limbo waiting for us to get it together.

Any comments, suggestions, or encouragement to hang in there would be appreciated at this point.
Thanks, Robbin

Hi Robbin! feeling like running away while you have IDIOT on your forehead is a completely natural feeling-even tho its a horrific one! I don't know how to get over that idiot feeling-but it does fade with time. My WH asks why I feel like an idiot when he IS the idiot....he doesn't know what its like to be betrayed and to feel so STUPID- but I'll tell you this- your H worked hard at deceiving you and why would you ever suspect etc.....so we shouldn't feel like idiots- the WS's go to enormous lengths to fool us BS's-I always think WOW if my WH had spent that much effort on US,we would never have ended up with an A to get over!! but thats all in the past- done is done-now you need some boundaries-NO CONTACT is a MUST-end of story. believing its REAL- another issue in the idiot category; am I still being an idiot etc....- my WH tells me he has NC but unless I spend the day in his pocket....how will I ever really know that he has NC? I haven't given up whatever methods I have of checking up/keeping track of him-he knows that and has to accept it-just like I have to try to believe and move onward- we said we would stay together and you have to start believing something sometime-you will read here how very long it takes-moment to moment- but the moments add up and time does move on- don't run away! My kids are grown but I didn't make any heavyhanded decisions for my WH-I laid it all on him- ''you think its all about you and you can have this decision too- if you stay thats up to you- I won't be throwing you out--if you leave, its your decision- I will not ask you to stay.'' He chose to stay- he also chose to have contact a few weeks after dday and I made a new boundary- get it together HERE or move on without your family- pick one-no more chances. I really have to believe that he isn't staying with me because of our children-they can manage to pay their own college bills and I can work. Leaving a 23 year marriage is a very big deal- so I do think it was a package decision- he would lose EVERYTHING by leaving- BUT if he truly didn't want to spend his life with me- I believe he would have chosen the OW despite the major losses incurred by that choice. so- if your H is staying with you- why do you think so?? You have some serious excavation to do on your own world-deep deep down.....what do you think? 4 months after my own dday there are still some things I can't tell my H- they are so deep and personal and as I come to terms with each thing I find a day when I can discuss it with him without feeling too vulnerable- alot of me is still closed up and I can't share all my feelings/wonderings with him- I am still too raw and can't bear to open myself to more pain so I stay silent until I can. I have not been able to get my H to fill out the EN questionaire yet and the answers on mine change daily! He knows some things I need-others I can't even tell him yet- so maybe its a good thing that he won't fill out the EN yet! I don't know if I can handle letting him read mine yet anyway. He knows to a point that I need reassurance and to be cherished-he is starting to recognize what triggers a bad moment and to make an effort to reverse the effect. I am usually a chatty upfront but calm person-so my silence is unnerving to him-altho most of the time when he questions my silence I tell him I know he isn't ready to discuss what I am thinking about without yelling and I will not have yelling arguments- thats a boundary I have-he has NO rights to yell about any part of this A with me or at me-HE made it happen- I am actually getting quite good at holding my tongue-bit by bit it all comes out and resolving it starts- so you see...its all about patience and more waiting...slow and steady wins the race-hang in there-keep in touch-you are not alone.

Does it ever get any better? Can anyone really get that passionate/romantic/I want to spend the rest of my life with this person feeling back again? Even if we can get through the EA stuff and meeting each others needs and avoiding LB's I'm afraid that we will not ever get back to that because he will always love her more than me and I will always be holding back allowing myself to love him that way because of it.

Robbin

"The Lord is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:20

Hi Robbin- this is the bible verse you have on your posts-then you ask......"does it ever get any better?" I know this A shakes your faith but do you believe in God- do you KNOW hes with you? I know every moment of every day is a moment to "get through"-right now..... its hard to get past that "how could you betray me?" thought. God also gave us all free will and if your husband uses his free will to leave his family-there isn't always something the BS can do to change his heart/mind about it- but that doesn't keep me from praying for my marriage to go the way I want it to- for everything a reason and a season huh? My husband hasn't gone to church with me since dday-except for Christmas Eve- maybe he thinks the roof will fall in on his head?? I talk to him about prayer and I can see him listening but I don't know if he puts it into action-he has no conception of how his A has affected his grown sons-they will not go to him to discuss it and my H doesn't have any idea what to say to them to restore their belief in him- so I am in the middle of that- sons do tell me they don't believe in him- they feel as betrayed as I do-its a muddle that only time will heal- I can't give faith and peace to anyone- I can just encourage them to search for it! Has your H had any counseling? keep in touch

Never give up,
Never lose hope.
Always have faith,
It allows you to cope.

Trying times will pass,
As they always do.
Just have patience,
Your dreams will come true.

So put on a smile,
You'll live through your pain.
Know it will pass,
And strength you will gain.

Robbin,

Calm down. You KNOW your H wants this to work. You want it to work. It WILL work out. However, you need to get better educated. I think the issues are all there neatly described by... YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our marriage had been less than what we both wanted for a long time. About 3 years into our marriage I stopped trying to get him tounderstand why I was unhappy and unfulfilled. By the time he startedtrying to tell me the very same thing we were both leading very independent lives. I had friends to meet my needs and he turned to
this woman because she was already meeting those needs in their friendship.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please go find two books and read them if you have not. His Needs Her Needs by Harley and Surviving an Affair by Harley.

What do you think your H needs more than anything? He told you and you described it in your quote. He needs a friend. You ceased to be his friend many years ago. YOu found other friends and let them meet your needs. He has done the same.

Think for just a moment, if the price for him to come back to the marriage was that you had to give up ALL of your friends. Would it be easy? Would you maybe sneak around and call them?

Well, apprently he doesn't many friends and unfortunately this OW is THE only one. So is it a surprise that he backslid? No not really but it isn't the end of the world, YET. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So calm down. This isn't over yet. It is just the beginning of recovery. You really aren't competing with her. Really it isn't that. It is about getting needs met. As you well know, that can be a strong driver, but as you two reconnect and has he goes through "withdrawal" (yup, it is like a drug addict withdrawing) you will see something different.

I think you are worry too much about your future without him. You should be addressing your future with him. There is no need for ultimatums. Threats, etc. Just do the best to be there for him and I think you will see him come around.

Most of all don't panic. It is way to early in this thing for you to be panicing. From everything you have written there are a lot of good signs coming from him. Keep focused on the positive right now. You are in plan A. Do you know what that is?

If not read about it. It is a plan to separate the WS from the OP. It really has two aspects. One is to evaluate yourself and make the changes you think you need to make in order to make coming back to you emotionally a safe place for him. The other is to show him that you can and will change. There is much more, but read about it.

Once you have done a really good Plan A, if the affair persists then you go to Plan B. Read about that as well. But, Robbin you are a long way from done or having your marriage end.

There is a lot of work to do, but the signs are positive. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you Ruth and Just Learning,
For the encouraging words. We had a really tough weekend. I HAVE read SAA and HS/HN and I kept telling myself that we are back in withdrawal just try to meet needs and don't LB. I did LB once and it definately made things worse, but I just felt so empty. H had been actually thinking about me and meeting some of my needs more than once a day and now(since finding out about the phone calls and there being no contact again) it's back to just what he's dealing with.

I always start to get paranoid and need reassurances, when he is so focused on himself. We are trying to be nicely straight forward instead of feeling around for what the other one may be thinking, and I asked him if he was hiding anything from me. He really worked hard at not being disappointed and he told me that he wasn't hiding anything from me and he understood why I may have been feeling that way.

The way I asked him was the LB. I was not calm and had already assumed the worst and it was hard for me to break out of that mindset, to look at him and evaluate how he was responding to me. It definitely put some emotional distance there, which we talked about yesterday and are working through.

H had already been having a hard time. We had been doing really well, until Wed. night. He came to bible Study with me and she was there. There was not interaction, but just seeing her is enough to bring those feelings of longing and missing to the front.

Then there was some disappointments at work and a friend cancelled out on breakfast Sat. morning on him. And on the way back from some errands he got a flat and had to have a tire repaired. So needless to say, I should have worked extra hard at being supportive and loving, instead of letting myself fall into the needy weepy role.

We are going away this weekend without the children, so I am hoping that this will give us some time to forget about everything else and concentrate on us. I will try to stay focused and just meet as many needs as I can while he struggles through this.

Thanks again! Robbin