It's almost been 2 weeks since my husband confessed to having an affair. I believe this is just an emotional affair from what he has told me, not that it makes me feel much better. I've read almost every page on the MB website, and have also gave copies of it to my husband to read. He has read some of the material and even agrees with it. He has even said that it feels like an addiction, and we've talked about some emotional needs that were not being me. However, he still talks and sees this woman. He says that he loves me and our 2 children and always will. I feel that I am trying to implement Plan A because I've give him the material to read and have talked with him about these needs, I've been a friend to him, shown him love and understanding, and have given him a plan for recovery. I am more than willing and am thoroughly convinced that our marriage could be better and stronger than it was ever. How do I get him to see this, and to distance himself from her. He did move out of our home at the same time he admitted the affair. How long do I stay in Plan A if I am indeed in in Plan A? Any advice would be appreciated as I am very confused as to what my role should be right now.

First, how can you get him to "see this". Well, probably you can't. People in an affair don't think clearly. He has the info, leave it at that...any attempt to force understanding on him will probably backfire.

Plan A is essentialliy meeting whatever ENs he will let you, while not expecting that he will do the same for you...and most importantly no lovebusting!

It is a short-term tactic. Most affairs end on their own, and the idea is that when that happens, you have shown a willingness to become a wonderful, EN-metting, non-LBing spouse. Making returning to you an attractive alternative. You can demonstrate your willingness to be that spouse in a fairly short period (a few weeks to a couple of months). The main goof people tend to make is carrying Plan A on way too long. Then you go to Plan B.

Doing Plan A when a spouse is in an emotional affair only is probably easier in some ways than when you know that a physical affair is going on. The bad news is that once a spouse moves out, there is a high likelihood that the affair will become physical, if it was not already.

You can Plan A even tho he has moved out; you dont get as many chances to meet ENs, but it is easier not to LB also.

You decide how long to Plan A based on how you feel about it, and whether it seems to be having any effect. In my case, the affair was emotional, and Plan A was very effective, and so I did it for 6 months (which was my own mental limit). In most cases, I think 6 months would be a lonnngggg Plan A.

Start thinking about Plan B as a next step, even as you Plan A (although you do not let him know that).

By the way, do you have kids?

Kathi

Here is a great post everyone, IMHO, should read:The Misapplication of Plan A

Good luck!

Hopeful:

Yup, Plan A is a short term application to negotiate the separation of the WS and the OP. Once they're out of reach, having moved out -- they have the freedom to have their affair with impunity -- go to Plan B. Leave them alone and watch this affair fizle and die.

Plan B is initially rough, but in reality it's a lot less work. I've been in Plan A for several months, and only yesterday discovered my wife's affair. Got written proof from three sources.

So, Plan B it is! That means no contact with my WW for the duration of the affair. Since most affairs end in 6 months or so, it should die a natural death when the OM starts depositing the same LB's as I did -- since there has been no analysis of any key issues while the WW is in her fog. No analysis means no growth.

For me, especially, rather than having to Plan A while WW is in Bosnia -- meaning two letters a week, care packages, being upbeat with "daily journal" type correspondence, etc. -- I can now enjoy the freedom of working on just my little old self.

Once I learned about my WW's affair, it was a pretty obvious and hefty withdrawal from my love bank (and WW's, too), so maintaining no contact is much easier than the efforts I'd have to undertake doing Plan A while the OM is still the focus of my WW's affections. Doing a Plan A while WW was denying any affair would be fruitless. Can't effectively Plan when WW is lying.

You can't really Plan A when the OP is in the picture, especially during a separation.

BTW, since CA is a no-fault state, there's no advantage to my filing, even though there is clear biblical and spiritual authority. Her current adultery means I have the right to divorce, but no obligation to divorce.

I think I'll let her do the work of selling the houses, financial disclosures, etc. when she returns in Jan. 2004, and hope the affair has gone kaput by then. My WW's OM is a police officer co-worker and a serious playboy. It will be a surprise if he isn't already cheating on her as we speak.

My approach to this matter is spiritual, too -- such that I will absolutely do nothing to further a divorce (clearly Satan's wish), although I admit it is difficult to be in love with my WW for her adultery. Still, I love her, primarily in a Christian sense, such that any doors in this marriage will have to be shut by her.

If WW has an epiphany and wants to return home, she'll have to accept the Plan B conditions of NC with OM at all, transparency as to whereabouts, and EARNS the trust back. If not, I'll tell her that the divorce should occur.

If she goes through with it, and right now, I suspect that she intends to -- she'll actually be doing me a favor -- as there is no hope in a marriage when a WW is in a fog. All of her nonsense statements make sense now -- as the affair explains everything. No more sweet innocent girl -- now an adultress.

Furthermore, in an affair, rarely is the real motivation on the part of the WS related to significant problems with the BS. The BS cannot deposit LU's -- since the WS has already met most EN's with the OP. The undetected affair undermines the marriage, since the BS is operating under a different set of assumptions.

The WS spouse is just being selfish, which is the number 1 reason why most divorces occur in the first place. As such, the BS can confront his/her own weaknesses that may have contributed to the marital breakdown, and forgive himself/herself for the mistakes made.

The unfaithful WS is not in any position to make demands, so the BS in Plan B is actually in a good position. He/she either gets rid of some damaged goods, or a revelation takes place and the WS wants to reconcile. It's really a win-win all around. If reconciliation is desired, make sure the new conditions are met.

I'm following Hosea's example, but going into Plan B effective immediately. I definitely don't want WW right now -- so the time away seems promising. Either way, the outcome is good.

Of course, WW got defensive immediately once the affair was discovered, and could even get kicked out of the Army for the adultery. Still, I have no intention of hurting her, so that option is out.

I'm relaxing as to what the future will bring.

WW's spiritually swirling the drain, and only God can help her now, that she might confront her sins, confess, ask forgivess and repent. She needs to. As the daughter of ministers,she has to find her moral compass. Until such time, this marriage is over -- without God's help.

I wonder if her parents will confront her on her violation of the commandments, or let her backslide...

Please pray for my WW, that she find God, and thus knows the difference between right and wrong. Simple black and white scenario.

God bless you!

Thanks for the info. Yes I do have two young children (5 & 3). I'm not sure what to do about their position in all this mess. My husband is a great father and still wants to be in their lives everyday, but it's not the same. They are young but not stupid. They do not know about the affair, but they do know Daddy is not here all the time like he was. Any advice on what to tell them? I'm going to go back over the topics on Plan A and lovebusters, but I am also leaning toward talking to a counselor in Dr. Harley's group. I just want to be sure I am doing everything I can.