I found out about the OW just a few days before Christmas. We've been married almost 19 yrs and have 4 kids, the oldest is 18 the youngest is 4. We've always got along great and I thought we had a good relationship and he was a great Dad. Our biggest challenge has been the fact that he has been working out of state for a good part of the last 4 years or so and most of the last 2 years. This of course laid the ground work for the A. He comes home on weekends and now he is laid off, but of course is not coming home to stay because of OW. Things were crazy for a few weeks,I'm devastated, he wanted a month to decide what he he wanted but before it was up he told me he wanted to leave our relationship. He was still coming home and staying overnight to see the kids, but I was starting to get sarcastic and mean in front of the kids which I didn't want to do, so I told him he couldn't stay here anymore, it was too painful and hard to be around him and have him leave to see her. (By the way she is not yet divorced and has 3 kids of her own!) I have since changed my mind, as I do want him to stay connected with the kids, me, his home, which is what I think was the problem to begin with, he had become too disconnected. He was home for the day last weekend and we had a good time with the kids,ball game, out to eat. I've just got to stop expecting him to change his mind from the last time we discussed. He isn't sure he wants a divorce but doesn't expect me not to file considering what he's doing. I don't want to at this point. No one seems to understand that I still want to fight for my marriage, that I still love him, the kids need him home. So I'm going to try to just let it take it's course, give him the time to figure out what's important to him, let the A enter the "reality" dimension and I'm hopeful things will change.But it's just sooo hard to be patient! I don't want to be questionning him all the time. The Plan A/Plan B thing gets complicated I think, since he is already living away from home for the most part and won't give up the OW at this point. Do I still hold on and hope for a change, Am I crazy to think it could? Even after the worst of our arguments over the past 7-8 weeks, we always seem to apologize for the things said, feel bad about it(we never were able to stay mad at each other)and have even gotten close and affectionate afterwards, laying together on the sofa, hugging, crying and even sleeping together. (I'm trying very hard to avoid sex, but it has happened)Where do I go from here? Do I stay the present course, let him have access to the kids at home, continue to be patient, try not to show anger or ask too many questions? Some people think I'm crazy, but I have to try not to listen to them and just go with my gut instincts. I want him to reconnect with the good things about our marriage and not throw it all away just because someone else was more "available". That's what kills me is that I was missing him so much while he was away, I definately was lonely and feeling stressed, raising 4 kids on my own for the most part, not doing anything socially, holding to my part of the plan and he goes out and finds himself a "just a pool partner", "just a friend", I definately saw it coming. I had even met her on a couple of my visits down there(which were terrific visits by the way, just a few short months ago)and it gave me a funny feeling. I'm just not ready to throw away 20 good years! Should I hang in there?!

Hi - I do no all your fears OW still in my life to very much .

JMO but if you want to go down this road then do it ,you want your M and your H and your family back and feel this is worth it then anyone who says your crazy is not supporting you and you need SUPPORT not to be beaten up.

I am a beliver in giving it your all . But I will tell you having travaled this raod both ways (PLAN B and BACK AGAIN )It is one long long emotional rollercaoster , read alot and read some other peoples posts listen to some of what you will endure .

I am not saying every situation is the same they are not but there are similar feeling ,emotion and all the same anger .

You are the only one who knows you and H better then anyone here .

20 yaers well I am hear for you I would stick with it . If he wants to leave no one can stop him not even you , so if he stays then that is a sign .

His kids will be apart of that of corse but can not be the reason .Is he remorseful?

Does he speak to her in front of you? does she know all what he is doing ? staying home ? working on M ?

I just read your post again , he is not living at home ?

OK that is good , no really it gives you belive it or not a better stable postion. IT is not in your face and belive me that helps .

Yes let him be with kids as much as he wants .

But make some bounderies they should not meet OW unless he know he is going to D you . NO need to put them on a roller coster ride .

If she is still M then this might be a waiting game for him , is she getting D?
She may presure him to much and he needs time to himself and when he is around you , you do need to be in PLAN A the best you , not needy .

You can do this you can 't let him be guilty about it , if he chooses D that is his choose .

You need to tell him you love him, want your M and are willing to work on any problems that you 2 may have had that got you to this place you are in and for yourselves for 20 yrs of good times and bad .

If you do not want D do not file no one should push you into something you do not want.

sorry tis got so long , I ramble espially when you said peole think your crazy for going through this .

Hi, Thanks for reply. Talked to WH on phone tonight, just confirming plans on his visit tomorrow & next day, working out kids schedules etc. Kept it light & easy, both said I love you when we ended the call, for a couple of weeks we weren't saying that anymore. I'm looking forward to seeing him, as always, and hoping I can keep my anger and frustration in check. I really want to keep Plan A on course! I actually have felt better the last week or so, not crying as much, sleeping a little better. I've lost some weight during this ordeal, which is actually a good thing, I feel good about myself, I've started working out too, to keep it a positive in my life. Seeing a counselor and that has helped too. We went to a couples counselor once, but WH doesn't see the point right now. I'm hoping he'll at least decide to see one by himself, he's mentioned it. I know he's depressed and confused, after one argument he even said "I just want to die", he's drinking, smoking cigarettes, all things uncharacteristic of him. I've asked friends to check in with him. It's hard to watch someone that you love self destruct, even when they have caused you great pain.

Your doing all great things for yourself , You sound strong enough and positive .
Keep up with counsoling and working out your health both mental and phsycal are important.

Losing weight common , when I found out my H had A it was the only part I thanked him for I think sometimes the sick [censored] did it for me to go on a diet (47 lbs ) it was the fastest diet I was ever on LOL

Just throw your self into the love of your children and love your self you did not make him have an A he made that desion . Open your mind up to other things that may have not been right in M that you may have contributed to , all of us have faults and can be better people better spouses .

Work on you , or just maybe through the years you took eachother for granted as so many of us do .

I will tell you after some anger I was able to see my part in this distance that we had developed and started my own change for me .
Even if M don't work I will be a healthier person in another relationship ( like that would happen )
LOL
Atk to you soon, One day at a time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your feedback. You've been at this for awhile, I admire your courage and willingness to stick with it, also your generosity in supporting others. I have adjusted my attitude in regards to my kids, after being on my own with them for so long, I was beginning to get frustrated, burnt out and seeing them as a "chore", mostly because I felt I had no partner or companionship through it all(I'm sure H was getting that message loud & clear, even wrote him a letter before Christmas, expressing my unhappiness about our situation). Now I realize that my kids are the greatest blessing and if this ends up in D, then I have a long haul ahead of me and the kids will need me with a better attitude. I certainly have some things to take responsibility for and I'm hoping we can be honest with each other about how we got here. Hoping for a good night. Hang in there & Thanks. again

I am no expert and only human experance ,don't ever beat your self up about saying or doing with kids .

I hurt my children emotionally not even knowing what I was doing in beging ,crying all the time around them telling them ther farther was doing something hurtful to me .
I to saw them as a burden , I wanted to run and do and go and I had them as a reminder of being traped and he did not he just played and I got stuck .

It took awhile and alot of watching them cry for there farther to relive I was better then him they are my life and I want to be with them I am there mother there protector and their ROCK I will shield them at any cost and balance what my needs are around them .

They are my life and I am theirs no matter what happens I am a mother first .

But I am human and did feel this way , H also used it to make me feel traped so he could go out and sneak .

If I was with kids and have no family or friends close by then I couldn't catch him.

Sound like you are staying on a good path be calm and breath alot and remeber if it is ment to be it will .

You might want to post over in GENERAL QUESTION section or JUST FOUND OUT more responses there .

Got to run