The problem is, she's like a lawyer and thinks faster on her feet than I do. And she's already used a couple things I've given her to read against me ... not in a really bad way but in a way to get what she wants. I've never been very good at reasoning some things out with her since she can speak circles around me at times.

We still have the issue of her working part time at place where OM works. How do I tell her she needs to leave withtout perfoming a major LB? I've tried to have her read some of the material on this matter hoping she would take the step on her own, but I don't think it's going to happen.

How should I approach this, and should I let her read Surviving An Affair?

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: Zaed ]</small>

Sounds as if your relationship is not in a place where you can use POJA.

The best way is for you to read it, know it & do it. Show her how it works for a relationship. Trying to "educate" the ws is a LB. Telling them how they "need " to read MB stuff and use it is not gonna work.

How do I tell her she needs to leave withtout perfoming a major LB?
You don't. Keep doing Plan A. After a time, she may "get it" and see it is too much working around him.

I've tried to have her read some of the material on this matter hoping she would take the step on her own, but I don't think it's going to happen.
You "tried" to have her read it? How?

should I let her read Surviving An Affair?
She asked and you have the only copy? How are you going to "let" her read it?

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Sorry ... I was a little unclear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She is willing to read some of the material. And she has read some things I've printed out from the website, including a few passages that were very straightforward on NC, but she hasn't taken the step herself.

I do believe that she would leave if I asked her to, but I know she would resent me. Should I ask her anyway? I was really hoping to see her take that step herself. And if I don't press her to leave, I feel like I am responsible for putting her in harm's way, so to speak.

Any suggestions??

Thanks so much for your input!!

Zaed

Sorry ... I was a little unclear.
Okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I was trying to get you to think about what you were saying. While doing Plan A (and always), you need to be specific when you are talking to/with your wife. No sarcasm and such. Say what you mean & mean what you say.

I do believe that she would leave if I asked her to, but I know she would resent me.
Well, duh!?!

Should I ask her anyway?
Why do you want her to leave?

I was really hoping to see her take that step herself.
Again, why?

And if I don't press her to leave, I feel like I am responsible for putting her in harm's way, so to speak.
I'm confused? Why would she be "in harm's way?"

It has only been a few weeks since d-day. You need to read, learn & apply Plan A. Don't think about separation. Don't discuss divorce, even if she brings it up. Just tell her you don't want one.

I want her to leave because it's the best thing according to MB ... or at least I thought.

I know she'd resent it.

I wanted to see her take the step because I want some kind of sign that she really wants to work on this.

By harm's way, I mean by repeating the same mistake. By reigniting the affair. We have (or I thought) strong religious beliefs regarding adultery and as a Christian husband, I'm trying to balance my duty of protecting my wife with MB's principles.

So, should I ask her to leave? Or let her come to that conclusion?

Clear as mud?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for all your help Chris.

Zaed

Separation is NOT called for except under very bad circumstances.

It there is abuse, then get out and get it sorted out.

If the affair is continuing, then Plan B is usually recommended BUT ONLY AFTER A GOOD PLAN A FOR 6 MONTHS!

As I said in my previous post, it has only been a few weeks since d-day. You need to learn & apply MB principles for at least another 3 months BEFORE you consider separation/Plan B.

So, should I ask her to leave?
No, you should NOT ask her to leave. If she comes to that conclusion, it is (probably) because the affair is continuing.

Yes MB says when you go to Plan B, the couple in the affair will see more of each other & the affair (usually) ends. This is not done to force an end to the affair. This is done because you cannot stand the pain of being around your ws while the affair is continuing. I believe you have a long way to go before you consider Plan B/separation.

Read Harleys Basic Principles

and

What are Plan A and Plan B?

<small>[ February 21, 2003, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Chris ... again I apologize. I'm talking about asking her to leave her JOB not me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Also ... I forgot. Stopped by her work this morning to take her some breakfast. She knew I was there and while I was standing there OM walked out (didn't see me) and smiled at her and talked to her very comfortably.

It was about business, but he obviously had a certain comfort level in talking to her which I don't think he would have had if she didn't exhibit the same behavior toward him.

In the meantime she tells me she's trying to avoid him/not talk to him but would you agree that this apparently isn't happening?

So, should I ask her to leave her job? She knows I don't want her there, but haven't formally asked her to leave yet.

I'm going nuts!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

would you agree that this apparently isn't happening?
Absolutely!

[b]So, should I ask her to leave her job? /b]
In a nutshell, yes. HOWEVER, when and how you discuss it really depends on where you both are in wanting to repair your own relationship. You are in the right place but it does not seem as if she is.

Is she showing you and telling you she wants to stay married? Or is she just "hanging" around the house?

Have you considered counseling at Marriage Builders (1-888-639-1639)? I did and it is really very good. Steve Harley is a great motivator and will help you develop a plan to restore your marriage.

Thank you Chris.

I apologize for not being clearer.

As to where she is, I believe she is at the point of wanting to repair things. Out of the blue, she will mention odd points that she's been thinking about that give her reasons to stay.

Problem is, she's so attached to her job. She gets to look in on our kids any time of day she wants and actually interacts with our oldest in the classroom. Leaving her job would be devastating for that reason, which is why I agreed to let her stay initially.

But she admitted to a friend that maybe it wasn't the best idea because she recognizes it's been harder being around OM.

I ended up losing my opportunity to talk to her last night because of guests. Thought about trying today. Any suggestions on how to approach it?

Thank you so much!

Zaed