MY husband had a an affair with someone who had nothing to offer him. She could barely survive, and he was helping her out, he said she wasn't that nice looking but she a nice figure. I have since lost weight, but still feel that he not that attracted to me. We don't have an active sex life now and I spoke to him about it and he says he feels quilty and he has to do with me as well, even though he says the other factor is much greater. Is there any hope. He's remorseful and he more attentive but it stops there pls. help

<small>[ March 02, 2003, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: CarolineB ]</small>

My WW's affair is still going, and she's living with him. So I can't really tell you.

But I did see this thread and thought it may be of use to you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=022732

Hope it helps.

Johnny B, thanks so much for the info and your thoughts. My H affair ended 9-30-02, and my H and I went for counseling. I have forgiven my husband for the A and I understand what led up to it. But forgiveness doesn't mean the pain goes away. My H is so loaded now with guilt, we now have an nonexistent sex life. How can I get close to him? Sometimes I feel like the fire is all burned out. Take care. Thanks again

At times I am consumed with passion as if I can "reclaim" her via the bedroom. At other times I get nausea just touching her when mental pictures flash before me.

Its a very contradicting time......for her as well....first I want then I don't...you get the picture.

CB:

I am a BH. My W's A was last spring. Since then we have not been intimate.

Mind you, we weren't too intimate for some years before either. Like just about everyone else here our sex life started out wonderful but soon petered out after we started a family. Even though our youngest is 8, our sex life since her birth has never been fulfilling. We'd have sex once every 2 or 3 months and while my W always claimed it was good, it never came more frequently or from her initiation. In fact, in the year before her A she'd accuse me of just seeing her as a sex partner (recepticle was her word).

That's what hurts the most. She engaged in sex with him while cutting me off. Since D-day I have simply not been able to respond. I just can't shake the feeling of inadequacy, that I was unable to fulfill her SF.

I know I am not experiencing any medical problems, since I still get aroused in the shower and stuff. We tried to have sex once, but it didn't work out. I couldn't get aroused, and it has led to a real fragile point in our recovery. I was humiliated and my W was devastated.

Since then I realize that I am "punishing" her for the years of frustration I felt before the A as much as for the betrayal. I am also punishing myself because every time I look at my self I see failure of a husband. A cuckold who couldn't provide what his W needed so she went elsewhere.

So, for us, on the surface it has gone from poor to worse.

Struggling
Uphill

Uphill,
Sex is such a big part of marriage and since my H affair, all he seems to be is consumed with guilt. I feel like this is another consequence of the A that I have to deal with, it sucks! How long should I be waiting. I will be honest there are plenty of times that I think I don't want to be with him, I think of him touching her, etc and I get sick to my stomach. I feel like I am on a see saw. Maybe will never get back what I felt what so special between us. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sad

I just posted a message regarding this subject on "In Recovery". I just feel numb, void of emotion. Sex seems to be work, very little passion. It is so frustrating. My WW claims she only had an EA, but it doesn't matter. It really makes question is it worth it. Our counselor has brought up the reasons of why we stay together and I have difficulty with this. Am I staying for fear of losing all that I have worked for for 12 yrs or am I staying for the relationship. I don't know if I want to know the answer.

Actually, our sex life is better than it has ever been, but (there are always "buts") it used to be lousy. And the guilt has not been much of a problem for my wife - certainly nowhere near the problem it was during the affair (or before, but that's another story.) The solution to guilt is repentance. I really think I never even understood what repentence was until I saw my wife repent of the sin of her affair, and turn away from it, toward God and toward me. I had heard dozens of sermons that mentioned "repent means "to turn away from"", but I had never seen it so clearly demonstrated. After that it was just accepting God's promise of forgiveness. I am sorry if this "religious language" turns anyone off, but it is the only way I know how to describe it, and I really believe God needs to be involved. This is not just some psychological game played in our own heads. So, the repentance allowed God to remove her guilt, her acceptance of God's action allowed her to feel forgiven, but all that did was allow us to start rebuilding our relationship without guilt being an impediment. We still had to do all the work to regain - no, to GAIN - the intimacy that makes sex great.

There are four major aspects to sex: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. Most people focus on the physical. We focused on the emotional, because the physical part was good already, and the affair made it obvious that the emotional part was a weak area. {This is an edit: actually, the physical part wasn't very good either, but the affair made it obvious that the emotional part was the source of the physical problems. In particular, our lack of an emotional connection was affecting her physical response and her mental approach to sex.} But, most of the emotional component of our sexual relationship was really about the emotional component of our total relationship. i.e.: if you want a good sex life, have a good emotional connection outside the bedroom. We are still working on the spiritual and mental parts. These things take time.

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Sex for us has been better then ever since a day or two past dday. It has always helped us to connect and after dday we were both struggling to connect and find our way through what had happened. I agree with John, sex is better if you are feeling emotionally connected.

My H also felt and feels a tremendous amount of guilt but thank goodness it didn't affect his desire for me...my ego was already greatly damaged and would have a hard time surviving that. Even though I wanted him very badly for the first couple of months I would have horrible images at times of the two of them...he would always help me through those.

Would reassure me that acts leading up to their one time full PA and the actual act itself didn't even compare to what we shared. Wasn't about sex with her was about how she made him feel during a particullarly low time in his life. He always reassured me that I was prettier, better person then her and that sex is always better with love and a true intimate connection.

Following the MB principles has also been a big help to us, as well as counseling with an IC and with SH. We really needed to process the A and learn from it..now that we've done all that our relationship is better all around..better lovers, better friends, better parents,etc.

Best wishes to you!