We implemented Plan A on Sunday, exactly 1 month to the day that I discovered it. I have some questions for those that have been down this road. My H was doing good for the first 3 weeks not talking to her. he wanted to, but never gave in and I was very proud of him. We were doing alot of open talking and it wasn't great but we were starting. Well last week monday, she called and he caved in. He told me on Tuesday when he was home for the night. We talked and he said he was all confused again. Then on Wed, she called him again and he caved in again. She claims that she got a call from his cell on Tuesday nite and he said he was in bed so he of course figured I was in his truck calling her! YA RIGHT!! I am sorry, I have way more class than to stoop to that level. I am sure it was an excuse to call him because she knows that I know about her and I am sure she is grasping at straws now.

Well, he had to work again from Wed am to Sat nite. In the meantime, he turned into a totally different person. He claims he didnt talk to her after Wed, but he just became very very MEAN and said alot of very hurtful things to me. You know, "I only come home to see the kids". "I don't desire you like a husband should desire a wife". "I have no guilt over what I did to you, just the kids". In the course of all this, he finally admitted he wanted a separation. I said there was no way I would agree to that (I am no fool!!) so he can run off into the sunset with his lover. He said he doesnt want her either. (I can almost believe this, it wasnt a PA, and when that happened both times they were drinking)and there have been opportunities for it to be physical again. I said that it wasn't fair to judge our marriage when there is another party involved and I just won't agree to a separation. Besides, we are apart 5/6 days a week now!!

So he finally, somewhat reluctantly, agreed to do a plan A. He made me feel like I "forced" his hand. But I have known for a month now and part of me says he had a WHOLE month to make up his mind and for the first 3 weeks, we were doing okay and he told me we would try to work it out.

Now my question: Is all this anger, meanness and cynicsm normal? I suspect it is and my sisIL says that he doesnt sound like the person they know either and he is just retaliating because he has lost control of the situation. He never did show much anger to me, that was always part of the problem, he submerged all the hurt and anger I have ever caused him and never talked about it. I was not the only cause of his anger tho, I told him that his parents now know and he went off on me about how they are the last ones on earth to give marriage advice (his dad trucks and did all his life) and he was never around when my H was growing up and needed him. Not to mention, it took him "35 years to gain his respect and now it's gone". I said that if he would have ended it when I confronted him last fall, (when my gut told me something was wrong) all the people who now know wouldn't have had to find out. But he just didn't get the hint/clue. He said he tried to end it but now he is a failure because he couldn't then.

He did write a letter to OW, he did allow me to change his cellphone number and he did say that he will be honest with me if he contacts her but I just want to understand all his feelings at this point. Like I said, I feel like I gave him an ultimatum, but I was very careful not do the LoveBusters at all. I was very calm and respectful, he was the one being a jerk.

I did talk to a good trucking friend of his who has known us for like 10 years and is alot like my H. He gave me some great insight into how they think and what they want to come home to at the end of the week. He said that he and his wife have had a very rocky marriage over the years and he will try to talk to him. He went through a separation for a year once and had to live in his truck that whole time and he said it won't solve any problems, just make them worse. I felt better talking to him. He said that he didn't think my H would leave me, just to give him some space and he will come around.

Any feedback would be appreciated. I am trying to be strong and everyone that I talk to says I am a pillar of strength and they wouldnt be. I said they don't see me on the inside....I am a crumpled mess in there.

The person having an affair does not do Plan A.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?.
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse.

Is all this anger, meanness and cynicsm normal?
Absolutely. But it still isn't any easier just because it's normal.

sisIL says that he doesnt sound like the person they know either and he is just retaliating because he has lost control of the situation.
Not that he is trying to retaliate but he knows he did wrong and he is trying however he can to justify what happened. Most wayward spouses are not bad people and when they do bad things, their world gets out of whack and they try to cope by NOT accepting any blame.

I did talk to a good trucking friend of his who has known us for like 10 years
Let me caution you on speaking in depth with ANY male friends about trouble in your marriage. Find a girl friend to talk with.

I am trying to be strong and everyone that I talk to says I am a pillar of strength and they wouldnt be. I said they don't see me on the inside....I am a crumpled mess in there.
Been there, done that. Take your time, read everything here you can. Start with the Basic Concepts. Don't rush it.

I definatly feel your pain. I've been Plan A'ing for a while now, and it's hard. My wife walked out of our apartment, going to her parents, saying she 'needed space to think about our marriage'. 2 Days later, she went on a date with OM.. another 3 days and she moved in with OM... Still living with him today. And doesn't want to talk about our relationship at all. We've talked 1 or 2 times a week since she left, but all she ever wants is 'small talk chit-chat' about work, news, etc... It kills me to have a converstion with her and make myself sound happy about it, when all I want to do is ask about our marriage and if there is any hope. She hasn't mentioned Divorce yet, so that's really the only hope I have. It seems she would have been back for more of her things and have mentioned filing if she was going to move on.

Right now, she seems perfectly happy the way things are, living with her OM, talking to me every now and then on the phone, and living her life without me.

I've had a LOT of people comment on the strenght I'm showing. "No way I'd have lasted the first week of what you're going through" is a common thing I hear. My family and friends keep looking at me as this huge pillar of patience, kindness, and strength.. That's a good thing, because that's what I want my WW to see.

On the inside, it's a constant battle to hold back the tears. Waves of anger, frustration, fear, uncertanty, doubt, hopelessness, and panic hit me MANY times a day. What really brings it out is to feel affection from someone. I can feel just fine, strong as steel, until my brother hugs me, or my mom holds my hand.. Then I usually break into tears..

Keeping my feelings detached from my actions is one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I'm getting better at it than I ever thought I could. In our most recent phone conversation, inside I was a boiling fury of fire and brimstone, ready to give my WW every bit of complaint and anger within me. On the outside? I laughed at a joke she made, and asked if her sinus infection was any better, letting her know I was here if there's anything I could do.

Plan A is hard. I know I am making myself a better person. I'm learning to 'Respond' to my emotions, not 'React' to them. All that extra emotional energy gets burned up at the gym (currently going 6x a week, 1-1½ hours per visit). I'm going to the tanning bed, went through a teeth whitening treatment, and changed my haircut a bit. Physically, I feel and look better than I EVER have in my life!

If my WW decides to end her A and give our M another try, then I'll be better equipped to try and make it work. If she decides to go for the route of divorce, then I'll be better prepared for my next relationship. If she decides to keep this going on for too long, I'll cut her to Plan B and let her see what life is like with NO contact from me.

Plan A is about making yourself better to deal with things. Read some of Dr. Harley's books. (I've read 2 with 3 more ordered). Read everything you can on these boards. Other peoples stories.. successes.. failures.. There's something to learn from EVERY post. It may not seem to apply to your situation, but then again, it may be a part of your situation you havn't realized yet.

Learn. Get/Stay Healthy. Don't let your emotions control you. 'Respond' to your emotions after careful thought and consideration, don't 'React' reflexivly.. Reflexes may be good in physical endevours, but in emotional endevours they can be absolutly destructive.

One thing that's helped me is I began keeping a daily journal. It's another way to vent my frustrations/emotions, as well as record important events of the day (phone calls, info learned by snooping, etc.). One day, when my WW returns, it may be useful to show her what I went through and how I loved her through it all. Or, I may burn it when this is all over. For now, it helps.

Read the link in my sig line. It will give you some ideas on how to approach this. One post cannot go into the depth of detail you need, so read the books recommended,a nd see a good MC if possible to help guide you through it all.

Thanks to all of you for your support. I am trying really hard not to contact him on his cell and not to get all emotional about things. I did say that we would limit the "marriage talking" to a minimum while he is on the road, just too hard to talk when he is working. Not to mention, unsafe!

He is like a different person when he is trucking and that is something that I can't really understand and that is why I talked to his one friend. I am trying to get a perspective from his point of view. I have no way to do that otherwise. I have tried talking to other truckers wives, (on message boards) but I am sorry, alot of them are just not someone I have patience for. Most are very needy and spend alot of time complaining instead of improving their own life. I also know this firsthand, my WH's brother also drives (whole family drives truck) and his W sits at home pining away for him all day/week. I am just the opposite, because my WH made me become independent. However, after 18 years together, now he doesn't like it!! He tells me that he doesn't feel needed by me anymore. The fact that I decided to pursue a career in nursing hasn't been easy for him to accept either. I am doing something that I wanted to do since high school but just never had the guts. I think that he feels threatened by that because of the potential wage that I can make once I graduate. The fact I have to study also takes time away from him when he is home.

JohnnyB thanks for your reply. I have read your story under the other posting and I can certainly relate to your pain. At least my WH is not living with the OW. He's just not home!

I have a major hard time even listening to the radio because it seems every stupid song reminds me of something in our life or is about lost love or lovers not being together.

Like you, I too have started to journal the same types of things and it is helping. And the only positive...I have lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months!! Only 30 more to go!! At this rate, by summer I should be at my goal weight!!