my husband had an affair and lived with her for a couple months, then he came home and confessed everything and i thought we were going to be ok, but he called her twice, that i know of, and i had alot of trouble believing im what he wanted, and i tried to talk about it and he said he was trying to forget her but i wouldnt let him. after 3 weeks he became so depressed ,he wouldnt even talk to me, when i asked him straight out ,what it was, he said i dont know what im going to do. i told him to go back to her, i wouldnt live with him ,suffering over her, he was gone within the hour. all he ever talked about was her bad traits, controlling ,arrogant, married 5 times, on her 5th divorce. but he said he hated hurting her, was worried about her. he said all the right things about our marriage and how he'd messed up but the only feelings i felt from him (that were real) were about her. i plan a'd it to death, now i just dont even know if i want him back....please help

im hurt,

You did the right thing. You have a good M history & OW has many flaws that matter to your H. Last time you take him, both of you didn't follow 4 rules of recovery. Why he complaint about why you won't let him forget her ?. Did you rant on his A at this time ?. Since you have a good M history, what is his complaint about you ? What is your plan A ?. Any kids ?

Please read SAA specially on how A should end and learn how to help him going through withdrawal. Set your ammends (condition) from him to come back, don't short change yourself ... be honest w/ yourself when you make the list. Of course on the top of the list should be getting MC.

Listen ... InLove could be made if one allows it. If you follow 4 gifts of love (or known also as 4 rule of recovery) and your H allows you to do it to him (not reject it) ... within 3-6 months H will fall head over heal ! and hope he will reprociate it to you. Right now you have to let him go and let him figure it all out on his own.
-rh-

no i never ranted at all ,i didnt even tell him i knew about her before he confessed (he works out of state) i was so loving and forgiving, i just wanted him to reassure me about his choice after i found out that he called her but he would get mad ,like i had no right to not want him to talk to her. i didnt even rant then. he started avoiding me mentally and physically, wouldnt even look at me , i knew he would go back ,on his own sooner or later, it was too painful for all of us any longer to have him here. weve been married since i was 16, him 18, were 35/37 now with 4 kids. i know he'll try to come back sooner or later, but im afraid the same situation will happen again and i cant do it again, im really starting to give up on him ,should i ? i think i need to let him live alone for some time ,if/ when he leaves her before i let him back in, if i do at all. what do you think ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

im hurt,
Again, you did the right thing showing him the door ... please read "Love must be tough" by Dobson. You hit the right mark about your worry that he will go back again. Please read "how A should end" section and start drafting what he should do before you let him back again. You took him back too early <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and to easy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , I did that 6 years ago and I pay it dearly. There is no red carpet for him but ammends to you as the key to open the house door. You might even want to get conseling even before letting him back and let him stay out there, let him talk to SH and wait until SH told you to take him back. Also I would get him a copy of SAA & HNHN as a bedmate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Who else knows about this A ?.

Meanwhile, stay away from talking about your problem to any male except family member (avoding A on your own). Get busy, go to gymn and pick up new activities. Change your look, go get the hair do that you always wanted, even change color too. Get make over. Let it be the mark of your plan A. Remember NO LB.

Read Venusian Lady Story on my signature, you are best candidate to try it.

Your decision on what WH have to do before WH could be H again should base on if he could do it not if he would do it. This is very critical for your own recovery, this is for you and this is not a punishment for him.

I would you to modify it with your own word and tell him this story before you told him about the ammend. "I would like to tell you a story about a horse. Day in day out the horse pull the carriage for the master to go to work and the master's kids to go to school. Unfortunately along the road to the city there is a section that is very very rough, full of potholes and there is no away around it but a long way alternate path. It hurt the horse feet but the master forces the horse and unaware about the pain of the horse. But the loyal horse keeps going day in and day out. However now the horse feet hurt soo bad that the horse knows that there is no way they will be able to make it to the city via that path . ..... I am that horse; the rough road is your A in our M; the city is a happy fullfiling M; the master is you and the carriage is our responsibilties in this M that I have to pull. I want you to be my H , I won't make it if you don't pull this carriage along with me and find alternate path othewise I won't make it, our kids won't make it, we won't reach a happy and fullfiling marriage." Feel free to spell check and modify the story to fit your need. I use horse for easy illustration. You need to find word picture that work for him.

-rh-