I suppose I dont really belong here as I am the other woman. Let me please state my story before you have your words with me.
I am married for about 2 years and became just very close friends with someone I worked with. We ended up in a very close loving affair for about 6 1/2 months. We saw each other everyday (which our jobs gave us the freedom to do)and among that spent many nights with each and even took a long weekend trip. Did we fall in love? I want to say we did, we had both emotionally divorced ourselves from our spouses and resorted to stange means to keep ourselves physically intimate from them during our time together. We developed a bond of friendship beyond anything each of us had experienced. Though our home lives were both suffering we continued our affair until the disasterous day of discovery by my spouse and his. Alot happened after that, he was asked to resign from his job as was I and we said good bye to each other. Well goodbye didnt last long and we were back to sneaking around etc....Unable to bare not seeing each other. Then we were discovered again....this is very short after the DD approx 2 days or so. Well we didnt speak for a few days and then he contacted me. Another month of happiness on rare occasions as his spouse was very paranoid of his every move, as was mine. Well then it happened again, our spouses found out again. That is where I am at now. I dont know where to go now. I saw him today for the first time in about a week or so. He is so very sad and hurting.
I am not sure what to do, my spouse has been so very good to me through all this, the physical aspect of the relationship has not affected , but the emotional bond we developed has deeply hurt my husband. I have tried to say good bye to his man so many times, i do fine for a few days then he contacts me and he is sad and needing me and I crumble. He pages me constantly and calls whenever his wife leaves. He works this weekend and wants me to come. I want so badly to say NO, to walk away to never see him again and get back this great marriage I had. You see my marriage was so great , and I ask myself many times why I did this to my husband. The man I had an affair with became a great friend and a line was crossed and now my world is a mess. He said one thing to me I remember so vividly "You know my wife has this long line of breast cancer in her family, maybe she will just die" that statement has stuck with me for a long time and I think about the wonderful he has said to me, but in the back of my mind how could a man with 4 children wish death to his wife. How could he say , she has had 4 kids , when we are together I dont know where I am at, she is loose, its horrible. I cant fathom my husband ever staying such horride things about me.........SO WHY < WHY cant i just let this man go. Why is it that every time he calls I go right back to the beginning of all this.........I was hoping he would move away as we live in a very small town, but that did not work. do i call his wife and put her through more pain of knowing he is contacting me? What do I do? I am trying so hard to do the right thing by my husband and I would be strong enough if he would disappear and stop contacting me. I cant change my phone numbers because of work and my husbands work, I cant move because my mother is not well and I need to be close to her. I cant get him to leave me alone, he always knows what to say and even me knowing this I still go back. I have met his wife on her request, and I am not sure she can handle knowing this is happeening again, but I cant do this anymore, I dont know who I am anymore, and I feel very lost. I just wish this never would of happened. Please offer me some advice. I suppose I am in the Withdrawl phase, but I could make it out if he would let me...i am sorry I have rambled but hard to fit 7months in a short letter.

You've come to the right place. There are many wonderful people who used to be where you are now, and they had the courage to rebuild their marriages, despite the addictive attraction to their OP and feelings of guilt for what they did to their spouses and family. They are a testimonial that you can rebuild your M.

Now,Despite your foggy attraction to OM, you have acknowledged having seen a side of him that caused you great shock and disbeleif, when he expressed his desire that his W (the mother of his 4 children) die of cancer. If this is the way he feels for the woman he made vows of love before God, how long would it be, before he too wished that you were dead if you and he got married? If you would keep this revelation in your head, day in day out, eventually all attraction for him would disappear.

Two things that you can do that will help to get OM to stop his efforts to contact you is for you to tell your H about this AND getting and telling him that you want a restraining order against OM. These two things would show your H that you really are serious in rebuilding your M AND would go a long way in helping your H rebuild his trust in you. Not to mention it would also show OM that you are serious about him never contacting you again.

I would like to recomend you and your H read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' and all the materiel presented on this website. Also counseling with Steve Harley or his sister, Jennifer Chalmers Harley. You may also want to read Don't Ask Yourself Whether You Are Still In Love. and When The Emotions Are Missing from Dr Lee H Baucom's 'Save The Marriage'.

Don't despair, sit tight and much wiser folks than I will bring their great advise, insight and support to you. You are not alone, we are here for you.

Listen to 2coffee, I've always enjoyed reading his responses. There are many others out here that can be of help.

I am a BS, I know what I want from my H, and I am not getting it right now.

Well .... you are not simply "the other woman", as you said.... but you are, first and formost, a WS (wandering spouse). You are a man's WIFE. Stop calling yourself "the other woman". To your husband you are not "the other woman" .... to your husband you are HIS LOVELY WIFE.

Who are you It isTime? "A WIFE". Don't forget that.

This is your job .... pay attention

**restore your marriage relationship**

This is not your job --> soothe, heal, help, assist, comfort another woman's husband.

Are you ready to get your life back on track? Are you ready to be a real wife again?

Then, get into individual therapy, get on anti-depressants (if you need them. Ask your physician), get together with your pastor, priest or rabbi ..... and get into marital therapy.

Remember this *** The husband of another woman is NONE of your business. He won't die. He won't curl up and start speaking jibberish. He will hurt appropriately and he will either make ammends with his family, or not. NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Stay out of his business.

Please invite your husband to join marriage builders.

God bless.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, it clearly sounds like you want to end the affair. You simply need to find a way to force yourself to stay strong and stay away from OM, and not resume contact with him. Read all the materials that the other posters have suggested. I'd strongly suggest going for counselling, individual and marriage counselling. You sound a little lost emotionally, and need someone objective to guide you.

You say you can't change your phone number for a few important reasons. You certainly can pay a few bucks a month for call display so that you never have to answer calls from this OM ever again.

I ended my A and survived. I don't even like OM now. As you say, how can you be so attracted to a man who almost wishes his wife and the mother of his 4 children dead? You know the relationship is wrong, and you know he's not Mr. Perfect either.

You've most certainly realized you want to end the A, so do whatever is necessary to do so!

Good luck, and keep posting here at MB. You may prefer to post over on the "general questions II" board, as this Plan A/B board can be pretty quiet at times.

Jen

I just remembered, some phone companies offer a service where you can block the caller from calling. Of course this only works when they call from the number you programmed into the phone. If they call from a pay phone or a friends home, or change their number, they will get through, until you program that number in. When/if he does get through, hang up, don't respond. He will get the message.

Just another service to stop annoying calls. E-mail, I know most internet provider you can block specific e-mail accounts. Same issue, if he creates a new name, he will get through. Don't respond, just keep adding the new names.

Itistime, you get a lot help from MB Ladies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I have nothing to add but please read a link under my signature a letter from TrueHeart. Read it ... it will help you out.

It is not about the mistake but it is all about what are you going to do with it afterward. -rh-

Jen Brown is right about the Plan A/Plan B board being very quiet, with less people posting, and you would get more responses to your questions, if you decided to post over by the General Questions II board (which is only just a few spaces bellow the Plan A/Plan B board).

Also heed Pepperband's advise in bringing your H on board MB, because he too will learn a great deal on not only how to survive the ordeal of your A(affair), but also on how to move forward by learning how to become a better person and H.

I'll go now, but you will be getting more folks with great advise soon enough.

God bless you and your H.

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I have read the letter from Braveheart. I read it twice. I still hear those words from the man I had an affair with "you are my soul mate, I have never loved anyone as I love you, when i die i will take my last breath loving you, I would die for you, you are my best friend"
I dont know really what to say right now, I am so emotionally lost.
As my eyes fill with tears I think of all the pain I have caused, to my family, to his family, to myself. I dont know how to get it back, I dont know how to be strong when he is so being weak and contacts me. He wants me to come and see him tomorrow at work, i pray only for the strenghth to say NO.
I am so lost!

ASK YOU HUSBAND FOR HELP! NOW!

Your H will be your pillar of strength ..... but, he can't be, if you're not truthful and honest with him.

Tell your H about the invitation to meet OM tomorrow .... and, this is my suggestion .... GO MEET THE OM ...

But, go with your pillar of strength ....

BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND SHOW UP TOGETHER, HAND-IN-HAND, AS A TEAM TO MEET THE OM.

Together, as a team, tell OM .... "It is OVER. No more lies. No more double life. Do NOT call, write, or send smoke signals. We are never going to be together ever again. This is good-bye."

Do not let go of your H's hand.

Then leave, hand-in-hand ... and go out to lunch with your husband and begin to re-build.

Pep

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I didn't think of this when I replied on the other thread. I think this is better.

Have you sent him a No Contact letter? It would be a good idea for you and your H to sit down and write one. Have your H mail it to him.

Isn't there examples of NC letters on the website? If you get it written today, you and H could give it to him personally tomorrow.

Dear Itistime,

I commend you for your desire to do the right thing and enforce NC with the OM. You sound in so much pain-do not beat yourself up so much, you are doing the right thing. You are fortunate to have a loving supportive H.

Now,I say to you what I would say to my WH if he would let me-his OW continues contact with him but I am sorry to say that he does not discourage it . You are not responsible for OM-he makes his own choices. You are responsible for yourself and your own actions. And you owe your loyalty to your H.This OM has 4 children? and a wife who stands by him. He sounds like a horrible man to wish her dead-this rings a bell with me because my WH could say the same about me wrt the breast cancer history.

Itistime, the pain will fade and you will forgive yourself but you can make that happen sooner, the sooner you enforce NC. So by allowing him to contact you, you prolong everybody's pain especially your own.

Stop contact,start healing and give your H some reason to hope and heal with you.

I wish you strength and admire your courage. Use it well.

regards

Deluded

it is time -

Very appropriate name-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said one thing to me I remember so vividly "You know my wife has this long line of breast cancer in her family, maybe she will just die" that statement has stuck with me for a long time and I think about the wonderful he has said to me, but in the back of my mind how could a man with 4 children wish death to his wife. How could he say , she has had 4 kids , when we are together I dont know where I am at, she is loose, its horrible. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a thought that I had course through me many times beofre recovery. This person is running away from his feelings. He is desperate to fix what is wrong in his life, but he doesn't know how. He truly doesnt wish she was "DEAD" - what he wishes is that the problems were dead so he wouldn't have to face his own demons.

The facts are that he is USING you to divert his attention from his pain. The fact is, you turned to him because he provided YOU with the attention and time that your husband wasn't giving to you. You are ALSO USING him to run away from YOUR demons.

You can have the bond that you share with this man with your Husband. It's hard to believe right now from where you sit, but HE is the man that you chose to committ yourself to. He is open to hearing your issues. He is willing to love you even though you chose to give yourself to another.

Face your pain. Don't answer the phone if he calls. Tale a Walk, READ a book, post a picture of your family next to the phone so every time you go to call him you are reminded of what matters to you most. Yes you are about to face the most painful six weeks of your life. It gets easier with commitment to recovery and a clear mind about what you want from life. You don't need the A. It was just the easiest way you knew of to medicate the problems.....

Write an NC letter. Mail it to him WITH your Husband. Mail one to his wife as well. Apologize to his W and your H. Appreciate what you have before you lose it forever.

It's late, and I didn't have the energy or eyesight to read everything on the thread carefully here. I hope I can help you, in some way. Pepper sent me here, as I've been in your shoes-partially. Your shoes are better than mine, as your husband still wants you, and loves you.

Listen to these people here, they know what they're talking about.

I can only say to you that first you need to count your blessings that your husband loves you still.

You will get used to being away from OM. It just takes time. I was a WS, and am now divorced. My exH wouldn't and will not forgive me.

When I ended the A in July, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Why? Even though I knew I had to do it, I'd grown very dependent emotionally on this man. Our A lasted close to four years, beginning with the emotional part of it.

The times I spent with OM were extremely intense, and I truly thought I couldn't live without him. He and I could talk and talk for hours. My exH and I weren't able to talk like this, on and on. IN the beginning, I once or twice even thought, "This must be my soulmate." All that nonsense! The thought now makes me sick. Honestly, I thought we'd be together forever.

The more we got to truly know each other, and interact as a real 'couple', with real-life things to deal with, the more I saw that we were perfectly incompatible and that our love was a complete fantasy on my part. Furthermore, I saw him for who he truly was.

Trust me, you'll get over this man but you must end all contact. I haven't had contact with this man since early August.(He called, had to hang up on him then) By the time I ended it in July, the R had already fizzled out for me as I'd caught him lying, etc. But even so, it did take time to withdraw.

I'm not prone to dramatics, but when I ended it I fell on my knees and asked the good Lord for strength, to stay away from OM. I have not laid eyes on OM since July 23. It has worked.

Oh, I blocked his email address too. Previous to the blocking, he was sending daily sad emails.

Please, don't respond to this man. I had to hang up on OM several times, after I ended it. I ended it over the phone, didn't even do it in person- after four years.

Don't worry about OM. He's not your worry. He has a wife. Please, dear one, take care of YOU and your marriage and listen to the fine people here.

I know this sounds a bit silly. It's late now, and by this hour I sound a bit like a '[censored] and Jane' book.

Take care. We do care here--you'll get through this. I'll look for your post here, tomorrow. I want to see you succeed at ridding yourself of the OM. You'll be so much happier for having done so. I sure am!!! (Yes, alone is far better than being with someone who has brought out the worse in you. To me, the co-partner in an A is someone who has 'brought out' the worse in anyone. I don't blame OM, I had a role, too.)

Again, be glad your husband still loves you. You're so lucky to have that.

Ignore this man's calls. He'll get the message, loud and clear. Remember, anytime you talk to him at all, you're rewarding him.

Take care,

H_P

Well after a long week, it is over. Friday was my 2year anniversy with my husband, and of course I ruined it. I spent a few days this week with the man I was having an affair with, and Friday he left his wife. He called me at home and needed someone to talk to, so without hesitation and total disregard for my husband and our anniversy I went to meet him, we talked all night in the car and when I returned home in the morning my supportive husband was once again there. Asking many questions on what was going to happen to us etc.....I stood in the shower and cried. I got dressed for work and as I was driving the pain of the past 7 months hit me. I thought to myself this has got to stop, I dont know who I am , I have lost myself. I returned home from work and simply feel asleep. I work up and sent a text message to the man I had been seeing to tell him that of course my family knew now etc.....I didnt have time to say good bye before I recieved a message from him asking to check my mail box which I did. I sent him the no contact letter as well, as I had done before.....he will have the hardest time with the NC. I did well the few times we had tried to end it, but his continued contact make it impossible for me to move forward. I decided to talk to his wife, we had met in the past when we were first discovered. I sent her a message that one of our families had to move etc...we live in a small town. We decided to meet and talk. I had written her a letter that she of course read in front of me, that told her how deeply sorry I was for hurting her, my family and her family. We decided that we (her and I ) would keep in contact. That I would tell her the minute he tried to contact me and that if we were going to go out in town we would let each other know....like going to dinner etc....I still think the best is that one of our families move. I did alot of thinking last night about this. Will this work...I ask advice here please. His wife is a good woman and of course I have a husband that is someways too perfect. I am sure this arrangement is not the norm. But do you think it can work?

Itistime,
Please be honest with your H, he is your best support that you are going to have. Yes, it not uncommon people move to different state to recover. Yes, your arrangement with her will work. Having say this, you know your limit and your weakness ... you have to learn to guard it. You have to get conseling to help you out. Everytime you want to contact OM, pictures your H, pictures his W and her kids. A is very addictive, you have the right mind frame of staying away from it but you need more than this. You need professional help to identify what ENs that OM fill and start teaching/letting your H to replace it. Please if you could afford it, call MB and schedule conseling with either Jennifer or Steve. If you are a Christian, pray and fast, get a few scriptures as a pilar to cast the temptation. Just remember this HE never abandon us, HE is always with us.

For now everytime you think of OM, think about his fault, not his perfectness ... think about the hurt that you have shrugged ... and avoid idle time.

-rh-

Despite your poor choice in deciding to meet with him a few days this past week, you did good as far as writting him the NC letter and establishing an agreement with his W that you would notify her if he tried to contact you. But your H should be the one you should rely on to be your pillar of strength and support, and nothing would show him that you are truly serious about wanting to rebuild the M and be the loving W he married, than your asking for his help in you trying to convince the OM to never contact you again. This would be a huge step in his regaining his trust in you.

As far as whether it will work, you may do well in remembering that you are very much like an addict that is trying to quit using drugs, but yes it can work IF and only IF you make the COMMITMENT to take all necessary precautions to make his contacting you very difficult (i.e. getting your H to help you convince him that you are serious about him never contacting you again, getting rid of his access to you via text messaging, e-mail, instant messaging, cell phone, etc.). But he too is addicted to you and unlike you, he does not want to give up his addiction. He doesn't want to beleive that you want to rebuild your M, and that if he's persistant enough that you and him will end up being together. That is why it's vital that you and your H form a united front, until OM finally realizes that you mean business and lets you get on with your life.

Well yesterday my husband and I went through everything in the house , my purse, things in my car, etc....Letters the man I was seeing had given to me, letters from email etc...I gave him full discloser, I let him read the letters I had sent to him as well. It was a very hard day. But I sat down on the couch with him last night and for the first time, recieving affection from him felt good. I could finally look at him in the eyes which is something I have not been able to do for a long time. I know we have a long journey. Last night was really the first time he has broken down and cried, he has kept much bottled up to be strong for me , but he is going good. It was day one with NC from the man I was seeing and that is good. The journey will be long, but I am confident. Would anyone be will to exchange email or IM, there are some things it is hard for me to post here , but would like to talk about.

I'm proud of you for opening up to your husband like this. I only wish my WW would come around and do the same.

You're going through a withdrawl phase now. You're going to miss OM.. You'll want more than anything to be around him again.. It's just like drug addiction. It's going to hurt.

But lean on your H for support and stay strong. Resist the urge to make contact with OM. Eventually, it will get easier. Giving in just 1 time will throw away everything you've worked so hard for. And puts even more pain and dispair on your H.

You can do this. Hold close to your H. He sounds like a wonderfully caring man who loves you dearly.

Itistime,

I am glad thing went well. You should let your H read MB and understand well "how A should ends", withdrawal, and 4 rules of recovery. Get HNHN and SAA and ask him to read it. Identify your triggers to OM. Discuss it openly with him and tell him that your trigger is not sign of love for OM but to be avoided to avoid relapse.

Check email exchange in my signature and please exchange it only with Female member ... I am male MBer. I think PaperBand has email posted somewhere.

I would contact local AA/NA and get the 12 steps book, it is for free. Subtitute A with A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-