I need help! I was married in June 02. Shortly after that, I started having an A with a co-worker. The A lasted about 5 months. During that time, my husband did everything he could to make things right, but I wasn't ready. During those 5 months, I filed for divorce. The A has since ended. Since then I have contacted my H asking for forgiveness and another chance. I have told my H that I will change my job so that I have no further contact with the OM. He says he isn't sure if he is ready anymore. Please help! My Husband is the most important earthly person to me! I want know what I can do to make this work. I don't know what to do next. Please Help!

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: imready2try ]</small>

I have to tell you that it you are facing incredible odds. I don't know too many men that would want to try again with a wife who immediately after getting married and during the honeymoon period engages in a 5 month sexual affair with another man. I sure he is asking himself why did you marry him in the first place?
Why didn't you just get an annulment?

In addition, you said your husband did everything possible during the first 5 months of your marriage while you were having an affair to make things right but you still rejected him and wanted a divorce. Now your affair has blown up in your face and you now want him to forgive you?
Don't you think your husband feels he is nothing more than the door prize or merely a second choice
because your affair ended? How do you think you would have reacted if immediately after you marriage your husband embarked on a 5 month sexual affair with another woman during your honeymoon period? I do not blame him for keeping you away from him. You have absolutely destroyed and humiliated him. I suggest that you seek therapy to understand how and why you would do such a thing to a man you just married. You need to get yourself together and to comprehend what a committment and a marriage means to you and to other people. Did you love your husband when you married him? I can only assume you are very very young. It just makes no sense that you married him and immediately did this to him. I wish you luck and please seek therapy. I also hope your husband is in therapy because he must be in enormous pain.

imready2try,

Welcome to MB. Please go through and take time to understand MB and read as much as you can from this web site. You have come to the right website trying to salvage your M but there is no gurantee.

You will get response from many people, some of them a bit harsh but it is the reality. Now can I get more detail ?. Why you did that ?, why change of heart now ?, How long were you with H before married ?, did you move work already ?. What did H say to you when you plead to him ?, detail please. Are you still live in the same house ?. Any kids from prior ?. What ae your age ?, BS/WS ?.

Meanwhile, print out LBQ and fill it as if your H fill it out. You might learn a few more basic thing for plan A.

Eventough it seems hopeless, you have to try to slavage your M. Not for M only but for you to forgive yourself. Please understand plan A.

It is not about the mistake but it is all about what are you going to do to fix it -rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imready2try:
<strong>I need help! I was married in June 02. Shortly after that, I started having an A with a co-worker. The A lasted about 5 months. During that time, my husband did everything he could to make things right, but I wasn't ready. During those 5 months, I filed for divorce. The A has since ended. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me get this straight. You get married, and during the time when your marital bliss should make you oblivious to the opposite sex you have an affair. Then despite your husbands efforts to win you back, your marriage meant so little to you, that you continue the affair and even file for a D. Only when the affair is over do you decide to go back.

First, I think your husband is hurt beyond belief. Rightfully so. Second, since you only decided to go back to your H once the A was over, I am sure he is thinking what all of us BS's think at some point. Is she coming back because she loves me, or is she coming back because the A did not work out, which means I am second choice?

This is going to be very mean, but frankly, I think your H would be best served by moving on.
Michael

You know she sounds exactly like Still Trying To Save It WW. Could it be her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>You know she sounds exactly like Still Trying To Save It WW. Could it be her?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so. Her time line is June 02 D-day & filed +5 months = Nov 02. STTSI is no D-day & served Jan 03. Beside, if she is ... where is her "born again" references to Jesus & Bible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , isn't she suppose to be just reborn not along ago ?. Doesn't seem sincere ... well, we better wait for imready2try to respond. I followed STTSI thread and mrs. STTSI could do one very easy step, drop the Dv as action of wanting M.

Personally I hate responding to WS/OP 'cause they drop one post and never come back regardless how you response to them ... so much for trying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Even with 2x4 responses, it is the repercaution of their action ... if they can't stand words from stranger, how could they stand it from their BS ?.

-rh-

Thank you to everyone for all the "welcoming and harsh" words. I can take criticisim pretty well. As all of the BS/WS know - there is always a reason for the A, EN's not being met. In my case, the OM was meeting those needs and I was blinded by the fact that my H was also trying to meet them. Thank you RedHat for the nice words to make me feel welcome here. No - I am not anyone else on this board. I only have one other post here. My H and I have been in contact for a couple weeks now. Things are coming along, slowly and painfully in our recovery process. He and I are seeking coaching from someone here (she is a blessing). Yes, I am a Christian - and I know that all things work on God's timing, not mine. That is where I am learning to be patient with myself and my H during this process - I also know that God has it in His will for us to work this out. My H and I have set up time to go away for a week - and start the dating process all over again. Yes, we were relatively young - Mid 20's when we were married. We have known each other for 10 years and dated for 5 before we were M. RH, I hope that answers all your questions.

imready2try,

Thanks for comming back. I hope you will post to many other WS that come here too. I am a ture believer of MB ... even the bible told us to filling our wife's needs !. Affair is not an unforgiveable sin, HIS only requirement is to sin no more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Your H is hurting and it will take time, BS time and at God speed. Use MB, use 4 gifts of love or better known as 4 rules of recovery. You are responsible for H love for you. Plan A is for life. Please report back on your updates or any question that you may have about MB or posting to others that are hurting.

-rh-

I am curious as to how a religious person (at least you sound religious) swears to God to uphold marital vows and soon after goes on to commit adultery. You point to not having your ENs not met as being your excuse for what happened. How could that be when you did not even give the marriage a chance to develop in which newlyweds get to know each other and learn in the process how to fulfill each other's needs. Why were you allowing yourself to develop a relationship with the coworker when you should have been planning your future together with your new husband. As a matter of interest who ended the affair. Was the OM single or married? Why did you marry your husband if you felt that you were not in love with him? If you were in love with your husband why were you having an affair.

Imready2try I know that asking the following may be like opening old wounds, but could you give us more details as to how your decision to marry your H came about and how your A started? I ask you this because if we knew more of the details of your story, then we could offer you much better advise, instead of shooting from the hip.

tomaz,
Easy boy .... Even King David fell to A and does horrible thing ... he has direct line to GOD,how could he ?. Did you ever lust that cute neighboor ? ... you sin already. There are only two type of sin, forgivable and unforgivale sin. In HIS eyes, lust thy neighbor & inidelity are at the same level ... a forgivable sin. She doesn't need to answer to us ... she repented, willing to work on M and ammend her H. If HE could forgive even the Smaritan woman, who are we to judge imready2try?.

-rh-

RH-
Thanks for the encouraging words! I have never stopped loving my H, even while the A was happening. I realized that my H wasnt meeting my EN's, he has also realized that same thing! I know what I have done is terribly painful to my H - but as much as he is hurting, I have also hurt. I know that yes, in the eyes of God, I have committed a terrible sin. I also know that I have asked God for forgiveness and He has forgiven me. I know that it will take time, I just hope my H will also forgive me. RH, you sound like you know what you are talking about - I appreciate your advice. If anyone has ideas on how I can make the recovery go better, or what else I can do to prove to him that I truly am ready to try please let me know. I know that one of the 4 rules is TIME! I am willing to give him all the time that he needs. Thanks - imready.

I know that one of the 4 rules is TIME! I am willing to give him all the time that he needs.
The rule of time is spending time with your spouse, not giving them time to get stuff sorted out, although he does need time to get this sorted out.

there is always a reason for the A, EN's not being met.
That is not the reason for the affair. It is because you failed to guard yourself against an affair (Steve Harley).

He and I are seeking coaching from someone here (she is a blessing).
Do you mean you are counseling through Marriage Builders? I did through Steve Harley. Jennifer is pretty good too from what I have heard.

Chris -
My H was doing therapy with Jennifer for a while. Right now, Cirri(from www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) is doing our coaching for us. She is wonderful! A real blessing to me and to us. And your right, the reason for the A was because I didn't guard myself against it - However, My H admits to his part in making the enviormnent for the A possible, while I take responsibility for the A. (if that made any sense)

Excellent!

if that made any sense)
Absolutely. And please don’t think I was slamming on you. It’s just that some ws think they “deserved” the affair and that it was okay because of unmet needs in the marriage.

You seem to be fine & doing everything right. Keep it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>I know that one of the 4 rules is TIME! I am willing to give him all the time that he needs.
The rule of time is spending time with your spouse, not giving them time to get stuff sorted out, although he does need time to get this sorted out.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">imready2try,
did you get the above point ?. In plan A you have to be PTC, patience, time & consistent. By now you know that plan A is for life. The time in 4 rules is about undivided attention/activity w/ SO, 15 hours minimum/week.

Could you help some WS that are strugelling ? Thanks -RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>You know she sounds exactly like Still Trying To Save It WW. Could it be her?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coffeman you know me well! Yes this is my WW, FWW? I have been following her post but have stayed out of it till now.

Once again, Coffee and RH, you are right! I feel like second best. I feel like the only reason she is back is because the A ended and she need a man in her life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She says she has now found God, that is great but what happens when God is no longer so wonderful for her? Another A? I feel that she thinks that everything is a OK because she has found God and has asked for forgiveness. Things are not a OK and will not be for a really long time.

My WW said she knows the reason why the A started, EN's not being met. Well sorry, that is no reason, that is an excuse! There are no reasons or justifications for affairs! They are the most self-serving thing any human can do!

Cerri has been working with us and has been great! I wonder why go back to a woman that doensn't understand the concepts of M? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I feel like I am second best, like the only reason she is back is because she has no other BF in her life right now.

Our timeline:
Me, BS 26
Her, WW 25
friends 10 years
dated 5 years
married June 02
A started July or August <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I found proof Oct
Separated Oct
D-Day Nov 5???
She filed for Dv Dec 26
I was served papers Jan 29
She contacted me about reconcilliation Mar 13
A ended ????????????????
NC ??????????????

She has quit her job where she worked with OM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> For that I am happy! I have no way of knowing if NC is in effect. I am out of town right now and she is still living with her parents who as you know supported the A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She sound sincere nut until I am sure and until I am over the A in my mind she is not welcome at home.

Right now I feel like I am getting half of a wife. I feel like she is here with me until the next best model comes along, than it is so long STTSI hello OM! I am hot and cold about wanting my M back with my WW. Can you tell ow I am feeling right now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I will bow out of her thread so as not to thread jack. If you have any questions I will answer them.

Thanks to all of my MB friends! You have always picked my up when I was down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In fact I told Cerri before my WW contcaed me that I was thinking of changing my name here because I was no longer trying to save it. I was thinking of "Still Learning"

STTSI, there are two sides to every story, and while I do not excuse her for chosing to have an A, I can not help to think that you may be doing yourself a diservice if you and her do not try your best to save the M.

I know the feeling of being second best, but it's a feeling based on a false perception. Your W had issues that probably pre-dated the M (dishonesty). If she had been totally honest with you, the chances of her A happening would have dropped significantly.

Basing your course of action on feelings, is falling into the same exact pattern that your W did that led her to her A.

You obviously love her very much because if you didn't you wouldn't be here or counseling with Cerri.

For what it's worth, infidelity hits more than half the marriages in the U.S. and the rest of the world. I know it's poor consolation to you, but it still the truth.

RH-
Yes, I have learned a lot from being here. I would be happy to talk to other WS's (just point me in the right direction). It takes time to come out of the 'fog'. For me, I hope that I wasn't in the fog too long to make ammends!

Yes, I am STTSI's WW. I just found out tonight who my H is here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Thank you RH and CoffeeMan for the supportive words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have had NC with OM since 3/13. I quit my job to avoid any contact with OM. I know it is hard for H to believe there is NC w/ OM since he is OOT right now - I don't know what else I can do to prove myself to him.

Thoughts??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: imready2try ]</small>

CoffeeMan -
Thanks! I know what I have done has hurt my H terribly. I can only imagine what HIS perspective is - I KNOW what mine is and I know how bad I have (am still) hurt.

Bad night... spent almost 4 hours on the phone with H. One minute we are laughing - the next two hours I am in tears - the next phone call things are okay again. I know that my A has put us on this horrible rollercoaster. One minute my H says he really wants this to work, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> the next he says that he isn't even sure why he wants to try. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

For a very long time, suicide was going to be my only way out of my A. I got over that fact by going to church and being "born-again." Until tonight - something struck a cord and for a few minutes suicide was feeling like an option again. (Maybe I just need to go talk to my pastor)

I know that in one of STTSI's long threads he was talking about how the W is ready to try, but he is the one holding back. I know that I was the one holding back before, now the roles are reversed. Is it just time? Time will help my H come around again, is there truly any hope for me and my H?

CoffeeMan, I appreciate your reply to STTSI. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You obviously love her very much because if you didn't you wouldn't be here or counseling with Cerri.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe in my heart that my H loves me, but that there is so much hurt and betrayl around the love. How do we get past the hurt?
Thanks CoffeeMan and RH!

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 02:47 AM: Message edited by: imready2try ]</small>