Hi All....
I am not very good at Plan B... I've done Plan A with no success, my husband having moved out 3 years back, and in with his secretary six months later. I've struggled for much of that time, finally culminating in a counselling session with a pastor and my husband, 6 weeks ago in which he expressed his own self-righteousness, and deep anger at God (including that God "fixed" me). I've finally seen him for what he is....full of himself, blaming me, not dealing with the issues in his own life.
We get on very well, and I believe that he will one day come back. How do I get the balance of Plan B. Show love, but cut him off at the same time. I find it very difficult, and have no-one here to advise me of the technicalities. Such as - should I allow him to come in the house when he returns my daughter to home, should I have him to my daughter's 21st? etc etc. I'm an open person, he's the opposite. I've been prepared to work on issues, he still isn't. It's been painful, frustrating, and I appreciate this web site and it's helps.

I have never felt such deep pain. I have just started plan B. My husband is still seeing his affair. He works with her every day. He told me that he still loves me deeply and feels that I am the perfect wife...but he continues to see her. How can I deal with this?

I've done Plan A with no success,
What do you mean, "no success?"
You did NOT do a good Plan A? You did lots of LB's?

How do I get the balance of Plan B. Show love, but cut him off at the same time.
Have you read Surviving An Affair?
There is no "balance" in Plan B. You write him the Plan B letter. then you separate. You show him love IN the letter and tell him why you are separating.

He moved out three years ago and you are still doing things with him?

Such as - should I allow him to come in the house when he returns my daughter to home
No. He doesn't live there.

should I have him to my daughter's 21st?
That's really up to her. She is 21.

I find it very difficult, and have no-one here to advise me of the technicalities.
How about calling Steve Harley (1-888-639-1639)?

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Hi and thanks for the advice Chris.
I have tried to find if the book "Surviving an affair" is available here in Australia...no luck so far. Will write the letter, and see how I go. I am feeling stronger (finally) than have done for a long time, and your advice is timely. This site is fairly new to my thinking, and I've had absolutely no luck trying to find a mentor/counsellor here (in Aus) who works with MB principles.
Thanks again.

Post the letter here before you send it to him. We can help to make sure it fits the bill.

Thanks for the suggestion to post my plan B letter on the web site... I will compile it with a friend this weekend.

Meanwhile, can I tell you a bit about my situation. My husband left Jan 00. At that time we were both in pain for various reasons, however we loved each other. He had been withdrawing for quite a while, and I was pulling the other way, making demands. The fights were unpleasant to say the very least.
Since then, I've worked a lot on sorting myself out, and have had to change the way I think in so many ways, studying characters of Christ, applying them, and listening to my husband, respecting him much more, causing no pain etc etc. It's taken me a really long time to get to where I am, and I must say the MB website is a breath of fresh air, after having no pro-active advice given to me professionally!!!!!!!!! If there are any MB counsellors in Australia, I'd love to know where they're hiding.
Prior to him leaving me, his secretary used to praise him constantly, call herself his second wife, and she ended up just "being there" when he was lonely after leaving, and of course the A began, more openly after 5 months, just as he resigned from his job. He moved in with the OW (the secretary) when he had no place to live and remains there, although he does not claim to be in love.
He has expressed anger at God for not answering his prayer to "fix" his marriage (me), although he has never been able to work on it himself. He is also angry that he's lost his good reputation etc etc. Now he is angry at God for "fixing" me. He says he's not angry at me. We see eye to eye on dealing with issues with our children, (22, married, 20 at home, 16 at home) however he can't/won't get help for our marriage, although up til recently, he's told me he'd like to figure things out (whatever that means!?- it certainly didn't mean coming back). We communicate much better now than we did, and enjoy each others company. He does not pursue seeing me, however I have over the 3 years, at times (and at his encouragement). We saw a minister in January, where he clearly refused to do anything about the situation. I see now, finally that he's getting his cake and eating it too, knowing that I love him, and am willing to wait.
So that's where I am now, wanting to write the letter. He thinks that its God's will for him to have the A, and for us to remain good friends!!!!!! No way.

Of our three daughters, the youngest, a 16 y.o. is a difficult child. Do I need to go through friends to discuss her with WS, or is it part of Plan B to still communicate directly on issues. I did read the book on surviving an affair, and see that the plan B letter suggests no communication. I am happy to do that (as the pain of talking with him, whilst getting on so well, and him being at the OW's home is destroying me) but I'm wondering if that's a hard fast rule.

I shall look forward to some suggestions.

This is the letter I have written for my husband based closely on the one in the book Coping with Infidelity.
Dearest Trev,
I apologise to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Sue possible. I foolishly made disrespectful judgements and selfish demands without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not the support for you when you needed me most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Sue once and for all.

Until then I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. When you return Leisl there is no need for you to come into the house. If you need to communicate with me about anything it will need to be through Mike ... who has agreed to this.

I ask you to respect my decision. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Sue, and I can't continue any contact with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I love you with all my heart but have any contact with you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Sue and are willing to ensure total separation I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day and to be able to meet each others emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I will always love you, and genuinely consider a great marriage a possibility. There is wonderful help available, that provides practical workable suggestions. However for now I just cannot have any contact with you as long as you are with Sue.

All my love,

I feel very comfortable writing this to him, and able for the first time to just finish with the struggle. Thanks for any suggestions.

This is the letter I have written for my husband based closely on the one in the book Coping with Infidelity.
The letter is the exact letter from “Surviving An Affair.“ Perhaps the book “Coping With Infidelity” is the same, except published in Australia with a different name. Is “Coping With Infidelity” by Dr Willard Harley, Jr.?

Use the letter from the book an idea/template of what goes into the letter, but don’t use it word for word. Rewrite it using your own words and give short examples of the ideas in the letter.

[bI foolishly made disrespectful judgements and selfish demands without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not the support for you when you needed me most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past[/b]
Give a few short examples of any disrespectful judgements and selfish demands you did. Also, how did you NOT support her?