Hi to all of my fellow stressed/frustrated friends:
I just started plan B last week. My husband said that he loves me deeply...but can't let her (the affair) go right now. He said that he sees us getting back together and that I am the 'ultimate wife'. He also said that he worries about sexual issues...He said that he does not see her as a wife, only a mistress and that it will never be a long term relationship. We were married for 10 plus years when this happened. He was a fantastic husband, my best friend, soul mate and the love of my life even after 10 years. I feel such a loss not being with him. I miss 'us' every day. I often feel like giving up. I hope I am doing the right thing. I think that the only reason I am hanging on is that I know that he really does love me as dearly as I love him---and that we are a great couple. We recently discussed the components we feel are important for a good marriage...thank God...we still have the same list. If I had not gone away to grad school--this affair would never have happened. Did I do the right thing? I keep thinking--out of sight, out of mind...and that is a frightening thought to say the least. Help...

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: SAK ]</small>

I just started plan B last week.
Did you send a proper Plan B letter? Can you post it here?

Chris-
Yes, I sent the plan B letter. By the way, he called last night...I did not take the call. I listened to the answering machine--he called to apologize etc....he did not say I am ready to totally separate......big difference. He sounded terrible. I felt so sad. At this point...I hope he hits bottom and realizes what he has lost before it is too late.

His family and friends feel that he is emotionally dependent on the affair. I do too. She is a very unstable person--unfortunately, I knew her before this affair happened. She has training in counseling and knows exactly what buttons to push. He even told me that he knows that she is very clever and knows that she manipulates him.

Here is the letter as you requested:

First, I want you to know how much I still love you. No time and distance has changed that.

The situation you are involved in is very unhealthy to say the least. I can't stand to watch you destroy your life. Those are strong words but that is exactly what you are doing. I do not know of one person who feels differently about this whole mess. Frankly, this is killing me.

The only solution I can see is to remove myself from this emotionally destructive situation. I will not be able to see or talk to you again until you are ready to totally separate from her. There is no way we can build our love, trust and partnership back until this happens. Your behavior this past week is living proof of what I am describing. Once you made contact with her, your actions and attitude totally changed. This is not normal. You made the first big step by telling her the truth. The second step is more difficult.

I wish that I could help you. I am not the one to do this. Maybe it would be good for you to be alone for a while as your therapist suggested. Get away from the control and constant manipulation. You are not acting like the person that we all know and love. I am very worried about you.

As soon as you are ready to totally separate from this destructive/abusive relationship, I will be willing to discuss the possibility of getting our life back. Again, I love you dearly. I feel that this is the only way to make you see what your life is like without me.

I truly believe that we can rise above this and have a great life together. It will be hard work--but we are worth it.

As always, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you-

Well, the letter could have been much improved but I think it’ll have to do.

Let me give you a few comments on it.

The situation you are involved in is very unhealthy to say the least. I can't stand to watch you destroy your life. Those are strong words but that is exactly what you are doing. I do not know of one person who feels differently about this whole mess.
Very, very judgemental.

Your behavior this past week is living proof of what I am describing. Once you made contact with her, your actions and attitude totally changed. This is not normal.
This is telling him he is abnormal.

I wish that I could help you.
He may not think he needs “help.” Even if he said he does need help, you should not tell him that.

Get away from the control and constant manipulation.
Is this what you were doing or is this what he perceived you as doing? Yes accept the “blame” for what you did wrong in the marriage but don’t agree with stuff “just because.”

I feel that this is the only way to make you see what your life is like without me.
This makes it look like the reason you are doing Plan B and the only reason you are doing it. This has very little to do with Plan B. It’s because his affair is continuing and you cannot deal with it/him anymore.

Just sit back and wait and see what happens. Try not to worry about him & what he is doing. Take care of yourself.

You really do not have the full picture obviously. My husband is the one that told me that the affair is 'unstable' and that she constantly controls and manipulates him to say and do what she wants. Those are his words--not mine. After 4 years of this hell--I have been patient, kind, and have given him all of the space that he has requested. I have read Dr. Harley's book cover to cover-- many times. I know what plan A and B consist of. My sugar coating things at this point is ridiculous. Judgemental ?--if you understood the whole picture, maybe you would feel differently...maybe not. I wrote the letter based on this whole mess and I would not change a thing. My marriage therapist thought that my words were WAY too kind.

I saw my husband (it was not planned)last night after work. He knows exactly how much I love him and he told me how much he still loves me and that he sees us getting back together. I must be doing something right.

I thought this site was to make people feel better and help them cope...reading your response just made me feel worse! You have no idea of what this affair has done to me. No idea.

No response is warranted or appreciated.

I thought this site was to make people feel better and help them cope...reading your response just made me feel worse!
Sorry you feel that way. I am just commenting on your letter, not trying to make you feel bad. Do you want US to sugar coat everything for you and tell you something is okay/good when it isn’t or do you want us to tell you how it is?

You have no idea of what this affair has done to me. No idea.
I have a pretty good idea of what this affair has done to you because I have been there. My now ex wife left me & our two daughters over 4 years ago, hasn’t even called them in over a year and has only seen them 2 times in the four years. Also, after reading at this site for over 4 years, I have a pretty good idea of what others have experienced.

Judgemental ?--if you understood the whole picture, maybe you would feel differently...maybe not.
I read what you wrote and it is judgemental of him. It matters not if he said it first.

My sugar coating things at this point is ridiculous.
Yes it is but being respectful is NOT ridiculous.

My marriage therapist thought that my words were WAY too kind.
So your marriage therapist thinks it’s okay to be rude, mean, unkind and uncaring towards your spouse? Sounds as if you need a new therapist. Your therapist may be a very nice person and you may have great rapport, but that doesn’t mean they are doing your marriage or you any good.

No response is warranted or appreciated.
You post here but don’t want any responses? You have been registered here for over 3 years and I would think you would know the letter could have been more in line with MB principles. After all, you are using them. Hopefully, you have read most of the stuff on this site (not just the forums.) All this info helps to explain how relationships work. If you do not understand something, you should post a question and ask. Nothing wrong with that.

I hope you’ll stick around.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

One other thing. Plan is no communication at all. This includes not listening to his voicemail, not reading his emails or letters and such. This helps you to detach and not feel so muchpain.

Your responses are very negative. I meant what I said...I do not want any responses from YOU. I do not want to discuss my life with negative people. I have emailed many people that have been very supportive.

You represent yourself as being so experienced...are you a licensed family therapist or do you have a PhD in Psychology?

My sincere and most humble apologies. Seems we got off with the wrong start. I’m not trying to dissuade you from saving your marriage nor from using MB principles to do it. I thought since you were posting on this Marriage Builders site, you would want to use Marriage Builders principles in the correct way.

I was only pointing out ways in which I feel you are misunderstanding and/or misapplying MB principles.

Your responses are very negative
Sorry you feel that way. It was not meant to be negative. My response was meant to help you use Marriage Builders principles to help save your marriage. If you don’t think MB principles can help you, that is your choice, but if someone is not doing it right then it is not being done right.

I do not want to discuss my life with negative people.
I wouldn’t either. I would want to discuss it with people who are pointing me in the best direction to save my marriage and correcting me when I am doing something wrong. I am responding to you because,
1 - You asked
2 - I believe MB principles can give you the best chance to do that. But when someone is not doing them in the right way, I will tell them so. If that is being negative, then oh, well.

I have emailed many people that have been very supportive.
How have I not been supportive? I agree with what you are trying to do. I think you are on the right track.
Having people/friend support you is great & I encourage you to keep it up!

I do not want any responses from YOU.
You asked ME a question and I kindly replied. To do any less would be slightly rude.

You represent yourself as being so experienced...are you a licensed family therapist or do you have a PhD in Psychology?
As I pointed out previously, I sadly have PRACTICAL experience as well as talking with hundreds of others in the same situation as you and me. But what does having an LFMT cert. Or PhD. Have to do with posting here on Marriage Builders?

p.s. You may wish to put any more posts over in Emotional Needs or General Questions II. Not many people get over here to read much.

I’ll leave you alone. I hope everything works out for you.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>One other thing. Plan is no communication at all. This includes not listening to his voicemail, not reading his emails or letters and such. This helps you to detach and not feel so muchpain.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Chris. Could you please advise if plan b is totally no communication at all (even receive information), how can the BS knows if the WS has already totally separated with the OP or s/he is still fooling around?

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 02:34 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

SAK,

I have been helped by Chris by his replies to my posts or his posts to others. He won't sugar coat his answer and I consider him one of the best Plan B proof reader. I don't even try. He know MB principal in and out and longer than most of us. Don't take his reply as negative, the truth hurt and the sooner you realize it and try to get his message the better you are.

Please read 5 stages of grieving and identify where you are right now emotionally.

YWM - why don't you open up a new topic for your question.

-rh-

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