Hello, I'm new in here. I have been visiting this site for about three months and I find this very useful for me to get through the tough time. Here's my background and story.

My BF and I have been together for 17 years. We're Asian. I'm 35 and he's nearly 40. I live with my parents and he rent a flat and lives alone. We don't have a plan to get married because we both enjoy the freedom of being single. Usually I stay overnight at his place every Saturday and Sunday and we seldom see each other in weekdays.

The d-day was on 4th Nov,02 and he didn't deny it. I was shocked and hard to believe my BF had an EA and PA to OW. I know a few about the OW. I only know they became friends because of business contact. She broke up with her BF after they started the A (The A started on March, 02). BF told me that he decided to stay with me and would leave the OW. But he failed to do that. I was so hurt, so sad and going through what exactly BS suffer. I couldn't eat and concentrate on my work. My mood was like rollercoaster. One day I wanted to leave him but the other day I missed him so much. I made a decision to stay with him and rebuild our relationship. I started reading books, seeking articles about infidelity and relationships and hope to find a positive and correct way out of this hell. I am so glad to find this site.

On Valentine's day, I found that he still took the OW to his home and she stayed overnight. I was upset and angry but still calm (I was in plan A) to tell him what I felt. I did ask him what he was going to do with this mess. He told me again he selected me and would leave the OW because he loved me more than that woman but he needed TIME to deal with it. (all WS said the same thing!) He also said the OW was pushing him to leave me but he refused. He said the OW was not a patient person and she didn't want to share him with me. One day she would leave and ended the A. How selfish he thought but I understand that he just wants to make himself feeling not so worse if the OW left him by her will. I said I couldn't accept it but he begged me to trust him. He couldn't leave her now because of some reasons he was unwilling to tell me, however, he said he had set the deadline. What could I do? I tried to trust him but it's hard. I was so confused and despair.

We had an honest conversation about our relationship and we all knew the problems. He is an outgoing person and I am introverted. I don't think we can't get along because of this big difference in personality. The big problem is lack of communication. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and I don't understand him either. I know I neglected his needs and feelings so long and finally we were drifting apart. I am now improving myself to be a more lovely and outgoing person. I know I have to change, otherwise I don't have a chance to save the relationship.

It's been almost 4 1/2 months since d-day. Regardless of A, our relationship is much better than before. We take more time seeing each other to fulfill needs, both emotionally and physically. We have more conversations and more laughs. He noticed my changes and he said it's good. Plan A is hard and I need more strength to keep going. Frankly, I doubt what he said to me. He's still seeing the OW. That's really hurt me so much. If he told me he didn't love me anymore and he selected the OW, I will say goodbye and let go. However, the situation now seems he wants to have both worlds. I really don't know. Is it appropriate to issue him an ultimatum or just wait patiently and give him TIME?

In addition, we own a flat and the tenant is going to leave next month. I have planned to move to the flat and live with him. For me, I just want to start a new life but regarding this situation, my decision is like a gamble.

Though we are not married yet, I love this man and want to stay with him for the rest of my life. 17 years together is not a short period. It's pity to end the relationship without doing things to save. I learn to cherish our relationship and want to do my best to restore it. The road is very long but I do believe we can work things together. I like to read posts from other people especially successful stories when I was down. That's because I need encouragement and support to get over the hard time.

Any precious advice is much appreciatied. Thanks for reading my post.