Hello, I'm new in here. I have been visiting this site for about three months and I find this very useful for me to get through the tough time. Here's my background and story.

My BF and I have been together for 17 years. We're Asian. I'm 35 and he's nearly 40. I live with my parents and he rent a flat and lives alone. We don't have a plan to get married because we both enjoy the freedom of being single. Usually I stay overnight at his place every Saturday and Sunday and we seldom see each other in weekdays.

The d-day was on 4th Nov,02 and he didn't deny it. I was shocked and hard to believe my BF had an EA and PA to OW. I know a few about the OW. I only know they became friends because of business contact. She broke up with her BF after they started the A (The A started on March, 02). BF told me that he decided to stay with me and would leave the OW. But he failed to do that. I was so hurt, so sad and going through what exactly BS suffer. I couldn't eat and concentrate on my work. My mood was like rollercoaster. One day I wanted to leave him but the other day I missed him so much. I made a decision to stay with him and rebuild our relationship. I started reading books, seeking articles about infidelity and relationships and hope to find a positive and correct way out of this hell. I am so glad to find this site.

On Valentine's day, I found that he still took the OW to his home and she stayed overnight. I was upset and angry but still calm (I was in plan A) to tell him what I felt. I did ask him what he was going to do with this mess. He told me again he selected me and would leave the OW because he loved me more than that woman but he needed TIME to deal with it. (all WS said the same thing!) He also said the OW was pushing him to leave me but he refused. He said the OW was not a patient person and she didn't want to share him with me. One day she would leave and ended the A. How selfish he thought but I understand that he just wants to make himself feeling not so worse if the OW left him by her will. I said I couldn't accept it but he begged me to trust him. He couldn't leave her now because of some reasons he was unwilling to tell me, however, he said he had set the deadline. What could I do? I tried to trust him but it's hard. I was so confused and despair.

We had an honest conversation about our relationship and we all knew the problems. He is an outgoing person and I am introverted. I don't think we can't get along because of this big difference in personality. The big problem is lack of communication. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and I don't understand him either. I know I neglected his needs and feelings so long and finally we were drifting apart. I am now improving myself to be a more lovely and outgoing person. I know I have to change, otherwise I don't have a chance to save the relationship.

It's been almost 4 1/2 months since d-day. Regardless of A, our relationship is much better than before. We take more time seeing each other to fulfill needs, both emotionally and physically. We have more conversations and more laughs. He noticed my changes and he said it's good. Plan A is hard and I need more strength to keep going. Frankly, I doubt what he said to me. He's still seeing the OW. That's really hurt me so much. If he told me he didn't love me anymore and he selected the OW, I will say goodbye and let go. However, the situation now seems he wants to have both worlds. I really don't know. Is it appropriate to issue him an ultimatum or just wait patiently and give him TIME?

In addition, we own a flat and the tenant is going to leave next month. I have planned to move to the flat and live with him. For me, I just want to start a new life but regarding this situation, my decision is like a gamble.

Though we are not married yet, I love this man and want to stay with him for the rest of my life. 17 years together is not a short period. It's pity to end the relationship without doing things to save. I learn to cherish our relationship and want to do my best to restore it. The road is very long but I do believe we can work things together. I like to read posts from other people especially successful stories when I was down. That's because I need encouragement and support to get over the hard time.

Any precious advice is much appreciatied. Thanks for reading my post.

It definatly sounds like you're ready for Plan B.

If you've been reading the site, then you should have read up on what Plan B is. No Contact with your BF. Give him a letter to know that you'll no longer be seeing him or talking to him until he's ready to stop seeing OW and focus exclusively on YOUR relationship.

Right now, this guy is getting his cake and eating it too, along with a milkshake and some chips on a great big plate. He's on top of the world, 2 women both wanting him, letting him have his life that way. Unless you show him the danger of loosing you, there's NO way he'll stop.

Go to plan B. Let him see what life is like without you in it. He'll see what it's like with just OM, and I get the feeling he won't be happy with that.

Good luck, and I'll remember you in my prayers.

It sounds like you are a very loving and level-headed person. Your situation is similar to mine in several ways. I have been in this hell for 4 years now and have just started plan B. My husband said that he also can not let her (the affair) go right now. His family is worried that he is emotionally dependent. I am beginning to believe it too. You are right--it sounds as if your bf wants you both. That is not fair to you at all!@#$%* I wish that I would have done plan B a long time ago. I sent the letter and last night he called me crying...for once, I was the one in control...not him or worst of all, the very controlling woman he is involved with. I did not answer the phone--I listened to him on the answering machine...it killed me because I still love him so. I told him not to call unless he was ready to separate from the manipulative woman. He complained about her on the message--how she constantly manipulates him but he did not say that he was ready to separate...a big difference. Maybe it is time for you to let your bf see what life is like without your loving support??

This site has helped me too. I have never done anything like this before. Good luck to you. I hope that you will try plan B.

Thanks JohnnyB and SAK for your advice. You both suggested me to implement Plan B. You are right. He's having his cake and eating it too. Though he once told me that he knew he shouldn't and couldn't have a double life and lived in this triangle relationship, I doubted what's he really thinking. To avoid an indefinite period of waiting an A to end, plan B is a way for BS. However, I'm not ready to run this plan at this moment. I'm not prepared for this. Plan B is very painful and stressful. I am sure I will miss him terribly during the separation. Besides, I have to take the risk of losing him forever. I will follow my heart. If it's time, I will go to Plan B.

Thanks again.

Just for getting information. Does anyone can give advice how to write a proper NC letter? Is there any technique? What points should I pay attention to? In addition, How to cope with the emotional rollercoaster when you are having Plan B?

Thanks for the advice in advance.

I replied on the other thread but I posted it here now.

Could you please advise if plan b is totally no communication at all (even receive information)
Yes it is no communication. If there are children, then there would probably have to be some, but it should be kept to a minimum and then only about the children.
how can the BS knows if the WS has already totally separated with the OP or s/he is still fooling around?
This is written in the Plan B letter. You tell them you cannot have any contact with them while the affair is ongoing because of the pain you are feeling about it.
You tell them they can contact you when the affair is over and they are willing to totally separate from the op. This is when you discuss what needs to be done to reconcile. A few things would be counseling, letting you know everywhere they are and who they talk with. If there is ANY communication (including just seeing them across the parking lot) with the op, they should tell you immediately.
You should get passwords to their email & voicemail.
It’s a lot of work but the trust has to be restored by the ws proving there is nothing to hide.

Does anyone can give advice how to write a proper NC letter?
There is a Plan B letter written by you. There is also a No Contact letter written by the ws to the op after the affair is over/ending.

Before you go to Plan B, you should read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

There is also a Plan B letter in there which one can base their own letter on.

Don’t just write a letter and say, “leave me alone until you end your affair.” There needs to be a few specific things in it. Also, you should not blame nor be judgemental or nasty. It is a love letter of sorts.

Make sure you also read What Are Plan A and Plan B? and Dr. Harley’s Basic Concepts

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

My BF and I have been together for 17 years.

We don't have a plan to get married because we both enjoy the freedom of being single.
I don’t understand this.

Since you don’t want to get married, what does the “ freedom of being single“ do for you?

Can you date others? Have you discussed this or is it “assumed” you can or can’t?

Can't go on like this. I am very confused and feeling extremely down. Here's my update of my story.

We are now redecorating our new flat as the tenant has moved out, so many things to deal with. We are going to move next month, start our 'new life'. We had discussions about the A many times and he promised me that he would end the relationship with OW the day he moves to the new flat. However, I didn't trust him. He still had sex with her. I had no mood to get involve the redecorating stuff because I have no confidence we can start over. He blamed me for my indifferent attitude. I screwed up Plan A.

On Monday night, we had a long talk about our relationship. As I mentioned before, our personality is so different and our big big problem is lack of communication, or I can say we don't know how to communicate to each other. He doesn't know what I am thinking. He is so afraid of our future. He doesn't want to live with a life like this (or living with a doll) but he can't accept himself to leave me because of my introverted character. He is afraid of making commitment to me. Frankly, he prefer me staying in the flat three or four nights a week than living with him every day. I was so sad of his thoughts. I asked him whether he's waiting me to make the first move to end the relationship. He said he didn't know. He's in a thick fog.

I am so sorry that I really hurt him so badly in the past. I can't help crying and crying because of the pain I have caused. My disregard for his needs helped to create the present situation between us. He did a lot of things for our future like buying a flat. However, I didn't show appreciation to his effort and he thought I didn't support him. He's used to put all the resentment and pressure deep inside his heart so long that I can't release his pain. It's my fault. My heart is filled with remorse but time can't go back. Now, I don't know what to do, he has no idea what to do too. We are both stuck.

I'm losing the strength and I'm thinking of giving up. Although we still do what lovers do like kissing and holding hands, I have no confidence to our future, as he is unwilling to do something to restore our relationship. He's so afraid I will make him feel bad again. I still love him but my taker told me I should wake up. It's not worth wasting time and spending my life with this man with no commitment. Is ending the relationship the only way I can do? Please, please advise what else I can do. Many thanks.

PS:- Chris, sorry for not replying your questions by return. My BF is my first lover and I never date others as I only love this man.

Bzzzz....there is no excuse, absolutely no excuse for his engaging in an A. You could have been the worst person around and all he needed to do was communicate this to you. Please....whatever you do, do not BLAME YOURSELF what what your partner his missing in his life! My WS said just last week, "I told you Mother, your Aunt, your sister, and friend that I was unhappy." I said, "You know who you forgot to tell? (and believe me, he looked perplexed)...I said quite calmly....ME...you forgot to tell me, your spouse, your partner for 15 years, etc., etc. Maybe if your partner was unhappy, instead of keeping it in, like the nice passive personality he seems to exhibit, he could have been a bit more assertive in expressing his needs. But whatever....please, never blame yourself. I did, for six months and you know what......I could kick myself in the a** everytime I think of how I did that to me.....Be strong, get control and put the blame of the A where it belongs...on his shoulders.

Thanks Karena! I will try not to blame myself. We both did bad things to hurt each other. I want to compensate the pain I have caused but I don't know what I can do as he doesn't think I can improve myself or change my personality to be more extroverted. He said to me whether we are the right person to each other. It seems we have no hope to stay together. It's so painful, so hard to bear. Please help. Could anyone give me more advice on this situation? Many thanks.

YWM,

Read back Chris's advice and follow the link. This is very confusing time for you and much hurt but you have to decide. However like one leading R guru said ... you set yourself up on how others treat you. I really suggest you to think what do you need to restore this M from him. You contribute the situation but he cross the line and continue to disrespect R. Talk to him to get conseling, pre-Martial conseling. Time to call MB or get MC that promote M.

I have questions for you, for this 17 years w/o commitment, how much is your decision ?. I am Asian myself, how your parent react to this R ?, I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . What being single does it mean to you ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You wrote
<strong>We had an honest conversation about our relationship and we all knew the problems. He is an outgoing person and I am introverted. I don't think we can't get along because of this big difference in personality. The big problem is lack of communication. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and I don't understand him either. I know I neglected his needs and feelings so long and finally we were drifting apart. I am now improving myself to be a more lovely and outgoing person. I know I have to change, otherwise I don't have a chance to save the relationship.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 .... We don't have to be same personality !, You don't want to marry to you, scary thought. M is about reunion of two persons into one ... two individuals. Lack of communication ? .... I think it is lack of honesty. No one could others mind !, but one could guess it acurately if ones spend time and honestly tell the other other how and what they feel. Does both of you practice radical honesty ?. I agree with you that you have to change but .... he has to change too.
You are willing ... is he ?.

Look at the bright side. You have no kids w/ this man & you have not M to this man. Plus you are still young and now you know about MB in which makes you become more attractive.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:

<strong>Look at the bright side. You have no kids w/ this man & you have not M to this man. Plus you are still young and now you know about MB in which makes you become more attractive.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your response Redhat. It sounds like it's time for me to let go of the R.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Talk to him to get conseling, pre-Martial conseling. Time to call MB or get MC that promote M.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have suggested to seek help from third party because we're both stuck but he refused. He thinks he doesn't need help. (ego?) I have talked with social worker before but she didn't help much. She was surprised how can we stay together 17 years with this lifestyle. I am wrong. This lifestyle doesn't work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have questions for you, for this 17 years w/o commitment, how much is your decision ?. I am Asian myself, how your parent react to this R ?, I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . What being single does it mean to you ?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's my decision not to get married. I'm so scared of marriage. Marriage is not about two people, it involves two families. I heard a lot of real stories from friends, colleagues and relatives about the conflicts between inlaws, spouses and kids. My sister ended her 4-year marriage because she couldn't get along with her inlaws and her ex-H did nothing to solve the conflict. She felt her husband didn't give her support. My Mom always complains my Grandma what she did and said. These really make me fear of marriage. I agree with what my aunt (she is married) says about the good things not to be married - less responsiblity, more freedom; less conflicts, more love. I believe if two persons love and trust each other, they can spend their lives together without signing the paper. I never tell my BF this thought as it's an immature thinking...isn't it?

How my parent react to this R? Frankly, though they would like to see me tieing the knot, they accept my choice. However, they don't know our R is now rocky. I don't dare to tell them especially my BF betrayal as my Mom might hate him forever.

To the contrary, my BF parents are quite conservative. They long to see us get married. They never force me but their son. He had quarrels with them in this matter many times and her mother was ill a week because of unhappiness. It happened long time ago (almost 4-5 years). He never told me this as he thought it's useless. I just knew it on this Monday. I'm really sorry to make her mother so upset because of my self-centered thinking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>2x4 .... We don't have to be same personality !, You don't want to marry to you, scary thought. M is about reunion of two persons into one ... two individuals. Lack of communication ? .... I think it is lack of honesty. No one could others mind !, but one could guess it acurately if ones spend time and honestly tell the other other how and what they feel. Does both of you practice radical honesty ?. I agree with you that you have to change but .... he has to change too.
You are willing ... is he ?.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you that we don't have to be same personality. Just like jigsaw puzzle, same shaped pieces can't be fitted together. However, my BF thinks R would be better if two persons have close personality-two of a kind. Life would be easier. You are right. It's lack of honesty rather than lack of communication. Apparently, both of us are not open and straight enough to share feelings and thoughts.

I'm willing to change myself but you know people can't change 180 degree overnight. It seems he doesn't have much patience to see me change. I have mentioned we both have to change but he thinks he has nothing to change. He prefer keeping everything the same (lifestyle, attitude). He doesn't want me to force myself to be another person. I know what he means but R can't be improved if everything is keeping the same. Sometimes, I'm really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> because of his attitude.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by YWM:
<strong>I have talked with social worker before but she didn't help much. She was surprised how can we stay together 17 years with this lifestyle. I am wrong. This lifestyle doesn't work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SW is useless, they are not trained to handle R problem. Their job is to make sure you are fit & able to function in society. You should talk to MFT (Marriage&Family Therapy). I feel that you are very determine person, borderline hard headed woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm so scared of marriage..... I believe if two persons love and trust each other, they can spend their lives together without signing the paper. I never tell my BF this thought as it's an immature thinking...isn't it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It points two issues. First, you need help. You need to see IC ... you lost hope on M !. M is not what media potrays it, M is hard work, a lot of heartache & headache. Proper M coaching makes your R/M be a fullfilling one. Second, it goes back again to Radical Honesty not to share your feeling. For 17 years both of you only share Physical, minimum quality time and lack of honesty. Even tough you are right about the piece of paper we call it M, it symbolizes commitment. REMEMBER TRUST IS DIFF. THAN HONESTY. You brought a baggage to this R about M and rather than fixing it first you expect that this R will fix it for you. You find out the hard way. Sorry. But many start new, I will when I am ready too, you could too and you have to get rid of that baggage before you jump into new R.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How my parent react to this R? Frankly, though they would like to see me tieing the knot, they accept my choice. However, they don't know our R is now rocky. I don't dare to tell them especially my BF betrayal as my Mom might hate him forever.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here we go again. If your mom could not take it now, do you think your mom could take it a year from now ?. She will not only furious at him but also furous at you not being honest with your mom. IMVHO, let her know and let her know you would try to work on it on your own but you would listne to any suggestion that she would give you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He never told me this as he thought it's useless. I just knew it on this Monday. I'm really sorry to make her mother so upset because of my self-centered thinking.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, we make mistake but what are we going to do about it ?. Both of you lack of honesty and not sharing feeling ... he is also mis-judged you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm willing to change myself but you know people can't change 180 degree overnight. It seems he doesn't have much patience to see me change. I have mentioned we both have to change but he thinks he has nothing to change. He prefer keeping everything the same (lifestyle, attitude). He doesn't want me to force myself to be another person. I know what he means but R can't be improved if everything is keeping the same. Sometimes, I'm really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> because of his attitude.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen, we are all have our core personality. Those we will not be able to change it no matter what, we might be able to tame it but it would not changed it. You grew up with those core personality for 30+ years what do you think you could change it in a few years ?. Some of it you can't change it or shouldn't change it. Read about instinct and habit. I absoultly beleive in it but there are some instincts are inherited from our ancestor from many generations ... those instincts, as long as, it doesn't harm/interfere with you R; you should leave it alone. I like the illustration about a man is bitten by his pet wolf. Yes, the wolf is a pet to him for a few years until he was late to feed him and he moved too fast. I belive in using instinct/habit to change our negative behaviors in LB, those are acquired not innate.

This is my suggestion. Sit down and learn MB as much as you can, go through basic concept & general welcome and many other links ... then decide what do you want from this man. Based on what he could not what he would then what do you want to do for this man based on what you could do not what you have been demand to do. You decide, it is your life and you will have to live through it. In any case you have to seek IC to deal with your misbelieve about M, it get nothing to do with this mess. There is no gurantee M will work, heck right now 57.5% M ended in Dv. However if you take the right steps on selecting your mate and you learn how to care & protect your R, you have higher chances to stay on the other side of the stats.

One thing I absolutly agree with you about him not willing to change. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior specially when there is no change.

-rh-

My BF has planned to move to the new flat this Thursday. We have an agreement that the day we move to the new flat is the day he ends his A and start our 'new life'. However, I found that he has packed the OW stuffs into the box. (Stuffs like her cosmetic, love letter to BF and their 'toys' which I have snooped those things since January. Reading her love letter was like I was stabbing by a knife). What does it mean? It's plain to see. I don't think he wants to keep them as souvenir, doesn't he? I was devastated. My heart was tearing apart. Couldn't believe he was still lying.

On the other hand, he doesn't want me to share the expenses of redecorating the flat and even doesn't want me to share the mortgage anymore. I'm upset because I have a feeling that it's easy for him to go away without dealing with the things we have shared.

I'm struggling and very confusing. What I have now in mind is to decide whether to give up this R or start Plan B. Though I love him, the feeling is now dying. I can't lie to myself anymore we still have hope. Despite we have problems, we can't restore our R if the A is still going on. I can't work it alone. The OW is like phantom, always spinning around my head. I have to ask again is ending the R the only way to get out of this hell? I have read many successful stories in this forum. I was impressed on what BS did to save their M. Patience is one of the key things they should have. In my situation, it seems patience is equal to wasting time and suffering more.

What my plan is I will help him to move and help him to settle down. Then, I am going to confront him with what I know and say goodbye (real goodbye?) to him. I don't know what's the impact on all of us if I move this step. I have four days to think this over or say four more days to suffer. Please help if you have ideas. Thanks.

YWM,

Sorry, it doesn't sound good. You should not confront him but you should draft plan B letter and get Chris to help you out. Help him to move then sit down with him ... no LB ... lay down all the information that you have and let him explain. If he is still in his fog and trying to have excuses ... hand him plan B letter and tell him you don't know how long you are going to wait but you will have NC until he is willing to work on R. Put down what you need from him to help you to get past this issues .... burning all OW's gifts/letters are just one of the thing that you need ...

Please re-read again POJA and how to negotiate.

It is his choice to mess it up and it is your choice not to mess up your life. Get conseling w/ MB if you have a hard time to communicate with him but he is willing to work on M.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Sorry, it doesn't sound good. You should not confront him but you should draft plan B letter and get Chris to help you out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Redhat for your precious advice. I nearly make mistake again. I have found some great Plan B letter from this site and they are good example for me to draft mine.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Help him to move then sit down with him ... no LB ... lay down all the information that you have and let him explain. If he is still in his fog and trying to have excuses ... hand him plan B letter and tell him you don't know how long you are going to wait but you will have NC until he is willing to work on R.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let him explain is the same as let him to make excuses again. I can't distinguish lies and truth anymore as I don't trust him. He is another person now, not the one I used to know. What he did and said is full of contradiction. He knows he did something very wrong, he hurt me very much, but he continues to do so and tells me he doesn't know why. He told me I'm better than the OW in appearence and moral qualities but the OW makes him happy.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Put down what you need from him to help you to get past this issues .... burning all OW's gifts/letters are just one of the thing that you need ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A bit confuse about that. Is it a demand if I tell me what I need from him? My need is simple (but hard to him)-want him to end the A, don't hurt me anymore and concentrate on our R. Is it LB if I ask him to throw all the stuffs as he must be unhappy with that. To my mind, it's meaningless to force him to throw their stuffs if he is not willing to. Yes, he will do it but not from his heart. He will keep their stuffs more secretly and cautiously next time.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please re-read again POJA and how to negotiate.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not only POJA, but also all concepts from Dr. Harley.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is his choice to mess it up and it is your choice not to mess up your life. Get conseling w/ MB if you have a hard time to communicate with him but he is willing to work on M.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's impossible for me to get conseling from MB as I'm not living in US. In my country, it's hard to find that kind of professional (specialize in M and R) because of limited resources. We only have SW. As I mentioned before, they don't help much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by YWM:
<strong>Let him explain is the same as let him to make excuses again. I can't distinguish lies and truth anymore as I don't trust him. He is another person now, not the one I used to know. What he did and said is full of contradiction. He knows he did something very wrong, he hurt me very much, but he continues to do so and tells me he doesn't know why. He told me I'm better than the OW in appearence and moral qualities but the OW makes him happy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you are hurt very much but this maybe the last time you will ever talk to him heart2heart. It doesn't make sense now but this is not for him as much as for you.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A bit confuse about that. Is it a demand if I tell me what I need from him? My need is simple (but hard to him)-want him to end the A, don't hurt me anymore and concentrate on our R. Is it LB if I ask him to throw all the stuffs as he must be unhappy with that. To my mind, it's meaningless to force him to throw their stuffs if he is not willing to. Yes, he will do it but not from his heart. He will keep their stuffs more secretly and cautiously next time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Again this is not a demand to him you let him know what he needs to do ... first he doesn't have crystal ball to read your mind and second you have to be emotionally honest with yourself. This is what you need and it is up to him to show it. You don't threaten him, you let him know ... it is up to him to do it. He might refuse to do it but the ball is in his court and you could end this R guilt free.

-rh-

Hi, I haven't posted here for almost two months; here's the update of my story.

We have moved to the new flat but I only stay in the house four days a week. He didn't bring OW stuffs to the house. At first, I thought it's a good sign and we could start a new life. In fact, it's not. One night before I had a 15-day business trip away town, I found that he brought the OW to our home and stayed overnight. I was so angry and shocked what he did this to me. I own half of the house and this is my place. The meaning of the new home is so important to me. He SHOULDN'T bring that b***h to the house. He broke the promises again and again. I felt that the house was dirty and the bed was dirty. I couldn't stand anymore and I shouted to him I wanted to end our R. I packed and threw all my stuffs to the garbage but he asked me to stay calm. He didn't say anything for what he did and watched me left the house.

When I was on the trip, I was so depressed and still angry. I wrote a letter to him till dawn. It's a letter full of hatred and blame. I knew it's not appropriate, it's LBers but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care what's the impact on him after he read the letter. It's so emotional to vent what I feel. 15 days away home alone with broken heart was so hard to bear.

After I went home, I decided to expose everything to his sister and my sister. They were shocked and sad but they both wanted me to reconsider our R. It's still early to make such decision. No matter what my final decision is, they still support me. I have to say thank you to them.

I think of Plan B, but give up not because I'm not ready. It's because I don't want to be so passive, let the WBF to make decision. He's in thick fog and can't make decision. If I go, I may lose him forever. The OW will be the new hostess of the house. Besides, I can't bear indefinite period of waiting. I want to fight the battle.

On 11th June, I called and told him that I decided to stay with him and I would go to the house. He said OK and he would pick me up from my home (my parent's home). At night, on the way to our home, he told me the OW was in the flat (BF gave her my keys when I was out of town), she was very upset and angry when she heard I came back to their lives and didn't want to leave the house. It's the first time I met her. BF asked me to ignore her whatever she did and said. I told him that she's nothing to me. When I saw her, I gave her a cold smile, it's a winner's cold smile to a loser (I pretended it, as I am not a winner in fact) and sat down watching them talking. I couldn' hear what they were saying but the OW cried and left the house disappointedly. I think it's a big strike to her.

These few weeks, BF appears very depressed and unhappy. We are still busy for the house but he seldom talks to me, even touches me. I know there is something happen to him and he is in 'withdrawal'. I asked him last night and wanted him to answer honestly. He told me that the OW left him and she wanted to end the A. Yes, it's a good news to me but I'm not very happy. It's still too soon to be happy. They may contact again. I asked him why he doesn't touch me. He said he has no feeling to me anymore. I was devastated. No feeling to me? How come he still stays with me since Dday. It's almost eight months. He never ask me to leave. He put back all my stuffs to the drawers. He just told me two weeks ago he cares about me. His words are so contradictory. He always asks me to rethink our R. Is it worth continuing to stay unhappy together and is he the right man to me. He has no confidence to our future. Learn from MB and posts in here, it's a typical behavior for a WS in withdrawal stage, especially when the A is ended. I stayed calm and asked him to try. We never know the future. We may have a better R or not. We all know what went wrong to our R and I'm trying hard to fix it. He knows I did a lot of things to improve our R and I did it from the bottom from my heart but nothing helps to impress him. Finally, he told me he will try but not eagerly and don't put a lot of hope on him. I thanked him and told him that it's a long and rocky road for recovery and please be patient and honest with each other. Feeling can go away but can go back.

It's my decision to stay though my sister and friends are not optimistic about our R. I will continue Plan A, improving myself to be a more loving person. Learn more from MB concepts. Hope one day he will return to my arms again. Am I doing the right thing? What other things I can do to make him regaining the feeling to me? One day I feel strong to get through this, but the other day, my Taker asks me don't waste time and youth to such a selfish man. He will hurt me badly again. I deserve better treat.

I'm just thinking, let him withdraw all the love units from my bank till deficit and one day I will leave him without sadness and regrets.

Any inputs/comments especially FWS experience would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Hi there, any opinions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Thanks in advance!