Just came off of a six-week high of NC with OP (Age 50?). OP lives out-of-state. After months of counselling WS had lifted head from fog, ended the A (After 2 earlier attempts) and was allowing me to meet her EN's. Then, out of the blue, OP convinced her to meet for a drink. She said she thought this would give her some closure ;-( Bad idea!! 6 weeks is nothing for an EA. We had been very intimate up to this point, but now the phone calls have started again and confusion/fog has "re-entered the building". OP left his W of 23 years several months ago and is on a mission. Just looking for some advice/guidance prior to making the decision for Plan B.

SteveX:

Hm... Talk to her? Plan B wouldn't be in order for you to do that, though. Resume counseling? Always a good idea.

I don't know much of the details, but it sounds like you may have been sweeping the "issues" under the rug, hoping that the NC alone would patch up your M?

September wasn't all that long ago. And if the A ended only 6 weeks ago, you can expect backsliding to occur for a while. Doesn't mean it is any fun, of course.

-Qfwfq

Qfwfq,

After long talks, sharing and radical honesty, we have made tremendous progress in identifying what might have been missing. My WS is bilemic and her tendency is to run from conflict, pain and guilt. My goal in Plan A, has been to provide a peaceful, loving, happy guilt-free home plus meet the needs that were missing through long walks, talks etc. Getting over her guilt seems to be our biggest hurdle. I have expressed my forgiveness of the A, but do not think she has forgiven herself yet. The awareness and desire to work at our marriage was very clear to her six weeks ago, but after meeting him again, she found she still had feelings for him. She honestly believed after six weeks it would just all go away. So I guess my next question is am I really ready to go to Plan B?

All Plan B is going to do is allow her to pursue the relationship with the OM and see if she can trade you in for this new model. I would suggest that you use the "tough love" approach advocated by Dr.J.Dobson in his book "love must be tough". She needs to see that you have had a enough of this nonsense and will not be around if she returns to her relationship with the OM.

SteveX:

" So I guess my next question is am I really ready to go to Plan B?"

I don't think so.

And you'll find that this website and many other people who "know" will tell you that the "feelings" for the OM can be rekindled at any time for the rest of her life. NC is essential in most cases. The feelings then fade. But you're right, 6 weeks isn't near long enough.

I'm curious about what you feel about forgiveness. How did you forgive her? Is she convinced that you do forgive her? Why do you think she can't forgive herself?

I love this quote about forgiveness:

Philip Yancey - The Unnatural Act (article, Christianity Today, April 8, 1991)

"Forgiveness is the only way to break the cycle of blame--and pain--in a relationship...It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness...But it does allow relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive."

-Qfwfq

Well I just found out that I was the one in the fog. The cell phone bill came in and she really only lasted about a week. I feel like a fool.

I have forgiven her as much as I can within the scope of blaming and tried to be empathetic with her about what happened. Yes it still hurts and I can see my role in all of this. For six months now, I have sucked it up and she has maintained constant contact (two week NC was the longest) even though she has told him it was over three separate times now.

I have forgiven her as much as I can
But why are you forgiving her immediately without her giving you anything. Forgiveness too soon, in my humble opinion (and others) can be a hindrance to recovery. Yes, it does need to happen, but only after the ws shows something or the bs is ready to give up the anger/pain of it all.

I have sucked it up and she has maintained constant contact (two week NC was the longest) even though she has told him it was over three separate times now.
The ws contacting the op will continue unless both ws & bs are willing to use the extreme measures listed in SAA. Accounting for ALL time and phone calls, all passwords for email & voicemail and such. Almost always if the ws just says there is no contact, it is not true.

If the affair is really coming to an end (it looks as if it is) then I recommend you stick with Plan A a while longer.

Have you thought about getting some counseling at MB with Steve Harley (1-888-639-1639)? I truly believe it is the BEST money you can spend on your marriage, especially at a time like this.

The old saying "no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change" comes in play here. You forgave her way too quickly. She apparently had no problems in continuing to lie to you. She sounds like a cakewoman who enjoys having a loving husband who believes everything she says and an outside lover who meets her emotional needs at the very least. If you act like you are willing to accept everything no matter what then there are simply no consequences to her actions. I tend to agree with plan B and ask her to leave and that you will be contacting a lawyer about a legal separation. It is possible this will knock some reality into her. The bottom line is that you have a wife who has a sexual affair and breaks your heart. She allows you
to meet her needs and continues to lie to you after she has caused you such pain. She continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If she continues to lie to you and continues contact with the OM then what do you really have and why do you want to keep it. I don't see how you can trust her at all at this point. It is sad that she can lie to you face so easily. The question is what do you want to do for your future with or without her. I wish you luck.

SteveX,

I don't know your whole story but your last post sounds very similar to my situation with my WH (i.e. NC not lasting, me being forgiving, and struggle to go to Plan B). In my case though, my WH lives apart and I have already made a couple of failed attempts at Plan B. Each time I pull away, my H draws me back in (we have a newborn and a 2 year old which makes necessary daily contact). I think I got so used to Plan Aing that I have a very difficult time terminating a phone call with him, for example, if it doesn't involve our children.

I think I'm really ready for Plan B this time though. I had a Property Settlement Agreement drawn up and I am at peace now with the fact that this marriage might end. For me, I had to get to that point because I know that Plan B will basically drive him back to the OW and he'll feel justified in doing it (i.e. "Well, my W won't even speak to me. She doesn't want me anymore so we're all we have.")

He says to me things like "The A would have ended;" "I need to do this (end the A) on my own terms;" "You always try to control things." These kind of statements tend to make me doubt my decision to go to B, but the A has been going on since 8/02 and my H has become the biggest cake eater in the world. I am convinced that he would let this situation go on forever if I allow it to. The only action I can take is to take myself out of the game.

So far I've had three days of modified Plan B (I still have some minor contact due to children). It's ridiculous but I make a mark on the calander every day that I avoid him (sort of like being on a diet). It seems that so much of MB is about accepting your portion of the blame and understanding your spouse that I kind of got to the point where I was accepting all the responsibility and excusing him for all of his behavior (i.e. he's an addict and con't control it, he has childhood issues, etc.). Now, in Plan B, it helps to remember that what he's done has been truly horrible (i.e. left me when I was 4 mths pregnant and has come back two times only to re-establish contact). His actions have not been kind and he's shown disregard for my well-being and the well-being of our family. These thoughts help me with the Plan B.

Sorry to ramble. Good luck to you. I would be very interested to hear others' experiences with Plan B. From some of the posts that I've read, it seems like it ends in divorce rather than recon. I'd like to hear success stories if there are any out there.

Thanks for all the feedback. I totally agree, I forgave to quickly. One of my biggest LB's during the M was giving my WS guilt-trips. In Plan A, I made it clear I was willing and capable to for-go the blame game any further and take responsibility for my part in this. I actually did a good job and feel good about that. She has on numerous times expressed sincere sorrow for the affair and we did have a plan to prevent contact. She drafted up a list of why the OP and her would not work out and presented it to OP over the phone. Probably should have a been a letter since the phone has been their primary link in the A due to distance. I agree that she has become a cake-eater. I have been doing a good job in Plan A these past months and have gotten some back but not what I need. The deceit and lies have really done me in. I agree about the loss of respect and she has sorrowfully admitted that as well. We have such intimate talks, walks and love-making and moments where we are so close it is insane. I will call Steve Harley for some advice at this point.

WOW. I just read my last post and it hit me! Drafted a list of why they would not work out?! Man, I have been a bit confused haven't I?