Just a few weeks ago (Mar 4) I told my FWW (still in withdrawal?) that her continuing to work at same place as OM was getting to me. Kids' contracts were due and I agreed to let them stay, but wanted her to go.

Sunday, she finally admits that she tried to get him to see her that day - go to a movie since they dreamed of being able to be seen in public. He said NO. Won't give her the time of day, emotionally that is. I know this for a fact.

She only admitted because I approached her like I knew. I only did it because I couldn't effectively Plan A with that on my mind. But, as most of our discussions become, it immediately turned into an anger management session for her, where I never get to say everything I want to but have to coddle her anger. How do I get around this? It's ok for her to be angry, but all hell breaks loose if I tell her I'm mad or want to talk about her behavior.

I'm getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. I can't conceal it. She can tell I'm really not happy which leads to even worse treatment for me.

How long do I put up with being treated like I'm some kind of animal? No, she wouldn't even consider treating an animal the way she's been treating me. The resentment is incredible. I thought I had a grip on the images, but they're back full force. And it's because I've realized that the end of their relationship is because of OM. He's basically decided that what she has to offer him isn't worth the trouble and hasn't indicated he's had any issue not being with her, i.e, apparently never loved her. But she was madly in love with him. At least I think she's realizing this. But how do I cope with having someone else's discarded woman? When she'd still rather be with him????

How do I manage this? How do I cope? Any practical suggestions out there?

Zaed

I am sorry for your pain. It seems to me that you are allowing yourself to be treated like an animal. You choose to allow and accept these humiliations. You have a choice on how you will live your life and what you will tolerate. Your wife treats you like this because she knows you will accept everything she throws at you. "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". Maybe if she knew you could have a happly life without her then maybe she would think twice about what she could lose. A person who is willing to be a doormat is not particularly attractive. You need to stand up for yourself.

If ahe is still pursuing the OM even though he wants nothing to do with her than you need to accept the fact that she does not value her marriage to you. The question that you need to ask yourself is why do you want to stay with a woman who does not really want you.

I suppose i need to clarify. But thank you for your responses so far. As to continuing to pursue OM ... not really. I feel like it's a normal reaction for someone going through withdrawal from a 'soul-mate' affair when faced with another crisis. And as far as her treatment of me, it's not bad even 30% of the time. It's just that when it's bad, it's bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was kind of venting.

My real issue is that when it comes to revealing her wrongdoing or discussing destructive behavior on her part, she loses her temper. I think it's a reaction that many of us learn. When faced with our own errors, we try to shift attention and redirect blame. Throughout her life, her defense when being accused of anything was anger because it has caused those who cared for her to draw back from their criticism and attempt to quell her anger, thus removing the level of discomfort she feels. It's a defense mechanism. And a sure sign to me that one of her EN's that I wasn't meeting was admiration, which I can now clearly see. That's how the OM got her interested to begin with.

My question was, how do I help her get around her temper so we can have more meaningful and open discussions regarding our issues. Keep in mind, people, I'm still in Plan A here, but the FWW is coming around. There are just some serious personality traits of hers that hinder progress. She recognizes/admits she has anger control issues and has even talked about getting help with anger management.

Do you think she needs professional help on that or is there something I can do? I do realize there is a section in SAA that covers how to set the environment and rules for such discussions ... I guess I haven't really done that. But any suggestitons would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Zaed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zaed:
<strong>My question was, how do I help her get around her temper so we can have more meaningful and open discussions regarding our issues. Keep in mind, people, I'm still in Plan A here, but the FWW is coming around. There are just some serious personality traits of hers that hinder progress. She recognizes/admits she has anger control issues and has even talked about getting help with anger management.

Do you think she needs professional help on that or is there something I can do? I do realize there is a section in SAA that covers how to set the environment and rules for such discussions ... I guess I haven't really done that. But any suggestitons would be appreciated.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are here just to give out our opinions base on the prior baggages in our own M. You see it in Brianp and tomaz's post. You should get conseling, specially in the case of some problem in the line of communication. If you could afford it ... do it, it could not beat the fullfilling M that you would enjoy for years to come.

You are doing it right by staying in plan A but I would like you to start learning to replace ENs that has been vacated by OM. Remember as long as you don't LB ... everything is up to handle it. Also train her to fillin your ENs and be a skillfull giver. Have you two fill the questionairs and discuss it ?. It is about time.

-rh-

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Thanks Redhat. I appreciate the assistance. As to counseling, I would love for us to go, but cost IS an issue. Although I've discovered there is a family counseling organization in my city that charges based on income. Afraid it won't help much though because I make a fair amount of money, but any extra pays for my children's private schooling. The very place OM works! Ugh!

We have discussed HNHN and she has read some of it. Here's where part of her anger comes in. It makes her mad that she needs to do it. And at the same time, mad at me because I didn't do something like this before. Although she fails to remember I recommended counseling early on in our marriage because I could tell something wasn't right with how she handled relationships.

I am working my a$$ off trying to replace OM's vacated fulfillment of her EN's. That's why I'm so worried about my resentment. I'm afraid I sabotage myself from time to time in fillng her EN's because of my resentment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That's the real problem. And having trouble with it because I'm really getting tired of her anger.

So far my Plan A seems to be working pretty well. Even after admitting to me that my physical attractiveness, well, it just wasn't there (weight issue - but have lost 40 lbs so far), last night we actually enjoyed some passionate SF.

Anyway, guess I was hoping someone could point me to some effective self help on anger management, so I can try to help her with that too.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments so far.

Zaed

Have you done a thorough search of the web for helping others to deal with anger?

I'm in the process. I just assumed someone here would possibly have some decent advice on this issue.

Thanks CM! Good to hear from you.

Zaed