After a short two year marriage I just separated from my husand this week, moved into a small apartment. We dated three years long distance prior to getting married but our
marriage really started out bad. I was caught up in expanding my business and I'll admit I neglected my husband. I wasn't there for
him, he was lonely. I was pessimistic about the marriage. He was really controlling to live with, I let the little things get to me
and would explode at him sometimes in anger. I know it was wrong looking back.
Now that I'm in my own place I have a sense
of control again, I can see things more clearly and start to heal. You see that first year of marriage when my husband and I were
fighting he started calling some young woman, I'm already 12 years his junior and she was even younger he says. She dates
back to when we were dating, I have never even heard of her yet he called her and left messages sometimes 4-5 times a day
according to his cell records for 8 months of our marriage (he said she always returned these calls). I found this after he was flirting with some woman on his softball team, he came home making comments about her and how she had a crush on him like he was enjoying it.
A girlfriend told me to go through his drawers and computer. I did, I found that he had been on singles sites while we were married saying he was single, that he was looking at porn and that he had notes in his drawers about porn/escort sites. Then I got the cell records and found out about his "just a friend." From the records he was calling her on his way to and from the city when he was going to "ballgames" with his "guy" friends. Now I
wonder what really happened and it horrifies me. I thought nothing of him hanging out with his old buddies on a few weekends, but I had no clue he was communicating with some
young woman. I have no clue to what extent I was deceived, when we were dating he kept saying he only wanted to date me, I
was the only one for him -- but how on earth did he get to know her enough to call her this frequently? He said he didn't feel bad
because he was doing nothing wrong, just talking to her, and apparently they played mostly cell phone tag as she'd have
incoming calls now and then too.
Anyways after finding this I was filled with anger and rage. I expressed it wrong, accusing him of cheating on me. Our
marriage was already getting better and according to the records he had stopped calling her at some point. By the time I found the records it was almost six months later and we were getting along well, had just gone on a trip. I grew up with the bible but rebelled for some years. This experience has brought me back to a spiritual side, I have been doing much reading about marriage and divorce. And I know now that I was a part of why
this marriage has gone downhill. I was a horrible wife, and lets face it he wasn't a great husband if he was deceiving me instead
of going to counseling and church as I begged him to do when we were having troubles.
I went to several shrinks, but now I want to try a christian one. I haven't given up all hope in the marriage yet. I read Dobson's
book Love Must Be Tough and figured that a separation was needed to stop the fighting. It was getting worse, my husband was grabbing and bruising me when I argued with him. It was only when my temper flared so I blame partly myself but of course no man should ever resort to domestic violence (there has been over 10 incidents).
My husband is hurting and depresses like I am. He's willing to go to the christian counselor with me and to church, plus date nights during our separation. I want to get back into god and the faith I grew up with. I know I can't change him but I can change myself. But I need to figure out if I should move on or try to save this marriage. I can't prove adultry and my friends/family that I told the story to "assume" he physically cheated on me if he was calling her like that. I can't live with the anger of thinking that and either
need to forgive whatever happened and move on or really try to repair the marriage.
Does anyone have any suggestions, do you think this marriage is worth fighting for? I am trying to recover, I have read the marriage builders suggestions, it's just easier said then done. JordanP
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JordanP

I am not an expert by any stretch of imagination, but I will try to give you some advice or an opinion if you will.

It seems to me that you had good reasons to separate, there was some form of violence against you and that calls for separation before it escalates and more damage is done.
You seem to have done a lot of thinking and are ready to rebuild your marriage, you also have your husband's promise to go to a christian counsellor, which gives me an impression that he is ready too. This is just a begining, though. There is no healing before truth is out, that means Policy of Radical Honesty. Trust me on this one, I have done some snooping myself during my separation and found out my wife cheated on me even before the whole mess started. I did not reveal too many evidence which gave her an impression that I was just second-guessing and she denied it, calling me paranoic. That took my breath away and we now are divorcing. So before anyting is done he needs to come forward with the truth, I can see from your letter that you need that as a first step towards reconciliation. Yes, you have had many angry outbursts at him, you neglected him, but that is not an excuse for infidelity. An answer to your question whether or not is your marriage worth saving lies in your heart. I think every marriage is worth at least a try to save it. The reconciliation process is long and you never know the outcome of it, but if you both approach it with open hearts it can be successful, see many examples of couples on this web site. I am not one of them. But I still think that reconciliation is possible. My 2 cents.

I think in your case, a counselling session with Harley's would be of a great help.