Does anyone feel like they don't even know the person they are married to anymore?
I have been married for 18 yrs, in June.
This new H of mine is unreal!
I just can't believe he is the man I have spent a good part of my life with.
He is so cold to me, wants nothing to do with me, and seems to give little crare for our daughters.

How do these WS's change so drastically like this?

I'm having such a hard time coping, I'm drowning here.

He has left our home two weeks ago. The first week there was still contact, this week not much. We do see each other a couple of times a week due to our children being involved in sports.
Surely, it's not required to miss your childrens activities while being apart is it?

Any advice would be great.
Thanks,
K

WHat you are experiencing is typical WS behavior.
I too do not recognize my WH as the man I loved even 3 months ago!
He can mean, hurtful, neglecting his children whom he loved dearly...
I want my H back! The one I love, the one I admired, trusted, respected...
It takes patience, lots of it, read all you can, post here alot, try General Questions you get better response there.
Read Posts about "Fog", everything you are witnessing is a result of the Fog that surrounds the WS. Everything they say and do is so typical it is scary!
READ, READ, READ and keep posting, Learn about PLan A and impliment it. It's not easy but if you are committed to saving your Marriage...
Good luck, you have friends here, it's the one thing I can count on these days.

Thank you Learnin-
I have never looked at te general ?'s before.

Same for me, my H was attentive 4 weeks ago, now, he acts as if I'm the ugliest thing he has ever seen. He always complemented me, our whole 17 3/4 of our marriage, now, nothing.

He is so strange, so distant to our daughters, and myself.
He is not the man I knew.

Thank you again,
K

Is your WS honest about his A? Or did you confront him about it? I seriously don't know how we let our communication get so goofed up. It seems as if we all started out in love. I wish we had started marriage out with MB assistance. But, better late than never.

Wow do I ever know how you feel. I actually asked my H "Who are you and what did you do with my husband?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mine has been gone for 10 weeks now and the rollercoaster shows no signs of stopping. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I get so scared, I wonder if I'm missing the signs, his actions confuse me.

I keep saying to myself its time to start healing, one way or another, but I cant seem to make a move. Maybe if I just hold on a little longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just wonder when it stops hurting so damn much!

We are in the process of healing. That is why it hurts I think. I just wish I knew the truth about what my H did and with whom. But I am going to try to be patient and I am not going to make accusations. That anger is only fuel on the fire. I want to have the kind of love in my marriage that I trust. I just think it will take a lot of time. After all it took a lot of time to get into such a mess!

Thanks for your replies!
WFlower,
I did confront my H, although I had no idea what I was to find out. The A was a total shock, and who with was even a bigger one. This is a sleeze that he said was sloppy, messy, and seemed "lost" at work. She is very opposite of me. He is in Love! Like he never was with me.
Of course, she is a sex addict! or so she claims, hmmmmmm?????????? He believes everything she says.
I wasn't always appreciative of my H, but, I'm not responsible for his actions now. I can take some blame for distance, but not adultery.

Crunchie,
Oh how I can see me going in to the 10 week mark, and how I don't envy you that you are there. It's so painful. I have tried the silent treatment, anger, but, I always fail. I want my H to come home, and work things out. Our daughters beg him all the time to come home.
I too wonder if I miss any signs, and he does throw curves in there.
He took my daughters out to dinner, he buys me a Yankee candle for the girls to give me when they return. Another time, he tells my daughter while talking to her, Tell your mom I Love Her. So, whas all that about?? Then, next time we talk, he is so not interested in me.

It's hard. He is not the man I knew for all these years.

I'm trying to move along, but it's so hard. He has left, and left me with all the reposiblities of a home, children, etc...

He is living his own life, no responsibilities. We both just turned 40 in January.
His Sleeze is in her 20's, and he is buddying up with guys in their 20's. Are we talking midlife crisis or plain ole WS behavior???

Thank you again all for your replies.
K

Talking about leaving responsibilities, we just bought a house back in December. There are so many things around here that need fixing, you know the usual little things, but he's busy tanning with the buddies and working out. Total tunnel vission, the sad part is, this was OUR dream home and I'm living here w/o him. Just doesn't mean the same thing anymore!Nothing is the same w/o him!

I wish we didn't have to go through the pain to figure out that we need to change something. But it is painful and we do stupid things, say stupid things and end up dealing with the thing when it seems insurmountable. I do believe that God is in charge and we have to ask for help. I am not ever going to control what my husband does. It wouldn't work anyways. Usually it just looks like you are trying to control him. The man has to understand how important marriage is and give the attention it requires to be good. I just can't take any less. I am getting older, but my life is important. Not any less important than his. Life is always changing. There is a lot of beauty and I want to be part of that. He can either be part of it with me or not. I hope that your husband breaks out of his stupid phase. But be sure to take care of yourself.

I agree with both of you.

I feel for you Crunchie just buying a home a few months ago, your dream home no less. I'm sure there are things that need to be done. I bet you barely got unpacked before all this happened.

I too believe that God has plans. I don't know what they are, and they may not be what I want, but I'm sure they will make sense someday.

I appreciate your replies.
Best of everything to you both.
K

Patience!Patience!Patience!

Right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is easier said than done, especially when you are a "go getter"! I think sometimes thats the hardest for me! I am strong I know I can make it on my own, of that I have no doubt, but the waiting the NOT being in control! OUCH! The not being able to plan. Even the simple things like decorating, why wallpaper, I may be selling in a couple of months, god knows i cant afford this house by myself! I wish I could!

I feel if hanging on for just a little longer will make a difference for our family i have to do it. Its not just the kids, its a way of life that will never be the same, not just financially. We used to do the simple things, parks, beach, the just hanging, the things that are real. I guess because I've been divorced before i know that we really do have it all, but like WFLOWER said we can't make them value marriage or family, they gotta do that on their own.

I hope for all our sakes they come out of their FOG SOON!

I agree!

The FOG is so thick!
I'm so ready for him to come home, but only if it means that he will be the man I used to know.

My kids miss their father, and I miss our family.

How do they get so messed up, and think that the grass is greener? Surely it can't be?

Thanks again for your post!

K

Its funny the BS often uses the same lingo also!

I've texted him that very statement "I miss you, I miss us, I miss our family".

I just don't understand how they can forget the good times so quickly.

I just hope I have the wisdom and patience to ride this out! Some times my pride wants to say "later your not worth it", but then I remember the guy I used to be married to and that guy is very much worth it.

I say I'm hanging on for the kids, but I'm doing it for me too, he's my soul mate and I still love him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

OH Crunchie,
I do know what you mean. This man has done the ultimate to our family, and I want him to walk through that door and say how bad he has messed up.
I believe he is my soul mate too, I Love him with all my heart, and he is the father (and a good one believe it or not)to our girls.

I don't know how much more pain I can take from him.
He is so, so distant.
I just never thought I would feel this from him.

I hope things turn around for you.

Thanks,
K