I would like to save the marrige i'am in. I have already been served restraining order, and recently divorce papers. How can any type of plan be put into affect with all restrictions.
I read something about to help save marriage, go with everything wife requests. Almost apply reverse pshycology. I recently filed with court to protest restraing order, which ia based all on lies. I have no, and can afford any attorney.
Any suggestions please,,,,,

Stephan,

You didn't really provide much info there, so I don't know if any of our wiser and more experienced friends can help. I guess my first instinct is to tell you not to fight the restraining order. Or perhaps only have it amended far enough to allow for written communication? If for some reason she truly does fear you, fighting the restraining order is only going to make it worse. And if she lied about the circumstances, fighting it is only going to get her more angry. Please post more info on the how and why this happened. You post that she lies, but that's not much info. If she is slandering you this much, are you certain you want her back?

Restraining orders are fairly common (at least in Texas) when it comes to divorce. It's main purpose, according to my lawyer, is to get the other party out of the house. Now, you'd have to read the restraining order pretty closely (I'd suggest finding an attorney that needs to do some pro bono work if you can't afford one; or perhaps, if you have a law school around there, a law professor might be willing to help you out by letting their class dissect your case~ I dunno), but I it's possible that phone and written communication are allowed. When I looked into this when contemplating my own divorce, the restraining order was basically to say that he had to stay more than 100 feet away from the house at all times and he was to have no unsupervised contact with our minor children. He was free to call, write or email any time he wanted... he just couldn't show up.
If that's the case in your case, I'd probably drop your wife a line telling her you are going to respect the boundaries of the restraining order, but that you'd like to repair your marriage, etc. Are you WS or BS?

Stephan,

What is the reason for RO ? is it a bogus reason or real one ? do you hit her or touch her ? and when is your court date ?. I would still find a lawyer, usually laywer will see you and give you an hour of their time for Q&A for free and hope they will have your bussiness. Use it. Also there is public defended, call your local justice hall, RO is criminal case. You will be able to get help compliment of your tax $. However Dv is different story, it is a civil case, you have to go to local public library and there are many book about Dv.

-rh-

Ro is a bogus one. She took bits and parts of sentences and turned twisted into toally different situation and or meaning. I have never hit her, ihave only pushed her maybe two times out of the bed because iwould always hear yet one more excuse why i couldn't make love to my wife.
She has hit pushed, punched and thrown things at ne and some of ourc otrher children,
yes, i believe she is onvolved in an affair, although she denies it all hte way. She went to bowling alley with hole in her paants (seat) mentioned something about it before she bent down to ztp sons coat, a guy she works with just so happened to be there with his daughter. Anyhow he made a comment to my wife, oh, your hole aint that big, as she stood up and laughed. My 14 year old daughter was telling me about this. I asked my wife, but she denied all of it. Also, a few weeks after she moved out, she watched this same guys dog so he and his daughter could go away for the weekend. I stated to my wife that was disrepectful, and that i would never have done that to her, due to the circumstances, being split. She had already said to give her a date for a MC. also found a reciep for two winter hats around end of Jan. maybe first week of Feb. Around Feb 14 she brought home a bag of Valentine chocolate, i asked her about this, because when she left for work this same day, i agve her Valentine choco, you know, sweets for your sweet. Her reply was she wanted chocolate so she bought her some, is there a problem with that? Maybe she did buy it, but what was wrong with what i gave to her. Yes, she already had said she was leaving on Feb 8. One night after we went to bed, once again she refused me in a husband way, after we fell asleep. some time later i awoke with my hand down below, so i continued, she opened her legs, had body movement, deep breathing, and had her orgasm. After she rolled away with attitude. For awhile i was thinking she was going to allow me, or us, to actually go all the way. Next day i phoneed her from work like i usually do and have. SHe was very cold, at one point i said wife you are scaring me, whats the matter? She finally said i was sleeping last night, you violated me, a woman should have a choice what goes into her body and what doesn.'t. My reply was Oh my God, wife, i'am so sorry, but all that touched you was my finger. AS it turns out, weeks later one of her friends called asking me about this night. Days later wife anfd myself was talking about it, i shared the feeling that i was feeling like i was the cheating boyfriend, cheating on a married lady. I can't really eloborate how she handled this, but the day she agreed to portponing the divorce, going to MC for a year, was the same day she had filed for this RO, she kept asking me why a year. She asked several times why a year. At the time i didn't know about the RO, or did i even understand as to why she kept asking about the year thing. AS for the RO, it is against everything, i can't do anything what so ever, and neither can she. Although she sent a piece of paper to me wanting some items from the house, she emails my 14 year old daughter, and they talk to each other on the phone, she always asks about me. My daughter is with her right now, which i'm really not so sure why i allowed. Mainlyt because i truly want to save our marriage.
Just a day or so ago, wife asked daughter what she would think and or feel about her dad dationg, daughter replied she would not like it. Wife then eplied that it would be none of her(wifes) business anyhow.
In her first marriage, after ten months she was involved in an affair, divorced after one year. She always told me it was because he didn't want a family. In all maybe ten maybe twelve relationshios wife has been in, befire she would end any, she would always get another guy involved first. SHe had two previous children, with as many dads. When she was with her first daughters dad, she would pour milk down drain, so she could go to town, just to call her lover and make arrangements to see her lover again. She always told me she didn't know what fighting was until she met me, i gave the benefit of the doupt, thinking she must have been blessed with something, anyhow, i now do know better. She wanted me and my first son to move out, if we were going to be husband and wife. One day i started packing, but it was her stuff. I came across a journal type thing, where she was talking all about several of her realationships in her past. When she started dating me, she was with a guy, and she kicked him out, so she could start dating me. I used to think that it was because she never found what she was looking for, well now i know there are some other issues, i'm not sur ewhat, but i know there are!
I also blamed it on because she was young. We have been married for almost six years. She told me i was abusive, after searching here and there, i realized it was more about not meeting needs, and that maybe she was the actuall abusive one. Almost four years ago, when she started her current job. I called her at work asking if maybe children and I could bring her supper. Her reply was how i just wanted to check up on her. And that she never got a break, and if she did, she didn't know when. So i suggested making it like into a date. She could pick the time and place, to this day, no avail. When i shared with her three years ago that i would take the long way home sometimes in hopes to see my wife, again, i was accused of doing it to check up on her. This seriously was not the case, and i swear to it, i did this because she was my wife. I have always brought her flowers, candles, or cards, or sweets, always helped around the house, raising six children. When i was home, i had all six, when she was home, she had only two. All i have wanted is more of her, more time with her. She even started refusing to go to the beach and whatever with me and the children. The first two years we wee together, she was so sweet, and caring and giving of hersaelf. Now, klike i said before, now i do not even know her. The last few months its been nothing but lies, manipulkation, torture, pain, every chance she would get, she would shoot any daggers into me, and as a last resort, she would give me one last stomp when i was already down. Two weeks after she moved out, she even agreed to go out on a date with me. Which never happened. She even agreed to move back in, everything she agreed with, the next day, it was almost like one day when we would talk, everything was like soft and suttle. Then it would be maybe an hour later, or sometimes the next day, and she would be yelling, cursing, telling me how stuoid and sick i was. It was almost like she had become yet another person. Yet, i would always somehow trust her once again. It was like a damn spell. When she laft she left without our children. I had them for about the first three weeks, well she lied and manipulated me, saying if we are going to be husband and wife like it should be then i this or i that,,,,Well she now has temp. custody. She is my wife, again i meant every part of my wedding vows when i gave her my promise with God a witness. What can i do, the sickness thru health thing, yes, i want to help my wife, i also want to help our marriage,,,
When i was asked was i WS or BS, what does this mean? I'am seeing the MC, alone.
She left Feb 15, actually she left before this, but when will the damn tears and such stop?
One more thing i'd like to add. When she informed me she was leaving my dumb [censored], i noticed she was always in bed earlier, and every night. For months i had asked if maybe she could come home to me and or us, to no avail. so when i noticed she was in bed earlier, i thought it was maybe because she really didn't want to leave. Night of Feb 10, i asked why she didn't leave she said no place to go. So ireassured her this is not the path i want but i cant force you to stay. She said she was leaving still, so i said then get your stuff and go now, but no i wasnt mr polite with this. Anyhow she called the ploice saying she needed help her husband was throwing her out. In her Ro she staed the same thing i attempted to force her from marital home. Days later she said you know you now have a record of throwing me out. I went to jail that night for a past speeding ticket in July. I even called the court or jail to see if maybe that was trhe case, no its not. SHe even told her friends and coworkers that i went to jail for domestic abuse or assult, cant really rememebr which one.
After all of this, and believe me, there i still more, i do want to save my mariage. Save our marriage, What advice do you have for me, other than walk, or maybe run to a lawyer fast, and run fast and far away from her.
We have two children together, when ever mom had to leave, they never cried, when dad had to leave, they always cried. When daughter was two she said to mommy one day, mommy, why do i like and love daddy more. Three years later wife still spoke of this. I aslo asked wife a long time ago why she never tucked children in, her reply was because they never asked.
I seriuosly do want to save the marriage, i can remember how she used to be, back when we were a new thing, or maybe i was just a new piece for her,,,

Stephan,

She beat you to it (RO). You need legal help for sure, ask around the church if you go there, ask around. Don't forget to check your Justice Hall to get public defendent. Remember this is legal issues and got nothing to do with M or R. Fight for your right ... it is not to punish her but to protect yourself. For now, document everything including her throwing stuff, find out about her A if there is one, that journal of hers could be very usefull. Your lawyer could bring it up as a ploy from her to kick you out from home.

Reading your post ... IMVHO, you should just forget about plan A or plan B. Just use "tough love", it would save your sanity. She has too much issues on her own to be resolved, 'till then I don't think she would even come around. Past behavior is a good predictor of future or current behavior. Just curious and respect, what were you thinking when you married her ?.

Learn as much as you can about MB. About ENs, about LB$, LB, habit, poja ... to make sure you could care and protect your next relationship. It could be W but it might be someone else.

Another curiosity, this kind of woman must have a bad past such as child abuse or bad divorce w/ parent ... any insight on her emotional history ?. Just to clarify, she has 2 kids (ages ???) from 2 different men and you have 2 kids (ages ???) with her. Any kids on your prior M ? Where are they now ? What is your age & W ?.

-rh-

What was i thinking when i married her? Well obviously i was thinking maybe with my head. She was my daycare provider, she was real sweet and nice, so i thought. Again, maybe she was so sweet and nice because later when we were dating, i was a fresh new piece of action. She would later tell me how i was her best friend, how she was so in love with me, so the Mr. Desperate i was, just coming out of a ten year relationship with her being involved in drugs and booze. When wife was giving me attention, well i thought this must be love. Yes, i choose to love my wife, and yes, i love my wife.
With her childhood, my counsellor has said pretty much the same thing, something in her past with childhood. I have asked her mom a few different times, but maybe i really should not be asking her. IF there was something, maybe it was from mom,,??? I don't know. In her first marriage, she was in an affair after ten months, divorced after one year. She shared some of her past with me, just not really maybe the true facts. I trusted her, i believed she was telling me the truth. She did tell me she was in alot of relationships. I rememebr thinking that maybe it was because she was young, and just didn't find Mr. right. Now, i really do not know what i was thinking. The day we were married, and when her mom was leaving the reception, she said to me, good luck, now she is all yours. I asked her three weeks ago why she said that, and what she really meant by that. All she said was well you have to remember i raised her, and besides, you know (name). Its like my wife is only good for a relationship for max one year.
Her first two children ages 10, and 8. Yes from two different men.
My first two are 14, and 11, they live with me. The two we shar are 3 and 5, our 5 year old has a form of brain cancer. All oldest ages in each group, are females.

With all of your letters used for words, sorry i do not know what they represent. I'm still quite new here.
My 14 year old stay the night with W last night, when she came home she was telling me my W had told her that she was not haviing an affair, and that (the guy in guestion)my w said she can't stand his drunk [censored], and does not want anything to do with him, verbally included. She also said that she only went over there a few times to watch his dog, so he could go ??? Also she didn't like him because he called her at two in the morning. My daughter was telling me see dad she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, i know she was involved with this guy. She has already told so many lies, one more will not hurt, right?
She also told my daughter that she will give me full custody, and she will be the weekend mom, if thats what i want, to just let her know, that she has already told me this before. She also said for me to just stop emailing her, and she will also drop the PPO. Yes i have emailed her a few times in an indirect way. My 14 year old has a web site, with email so i sent email there actually. Wife maintains this mail and site, in fact she constructed it. She is a pitcher for her softball teams.
Also my daughter informed me that wifes first daughter can't talk to me cuz i asked her about a month ago if she had met her moms new boyfriend.
Yet my wife can ask or talk to my daughter about anything, and whenever.
For some damn reason, yes i want to save my marrige to this lady. Why? For the first two or three years she was really quite a different person. Or maybe i just was still to blinded, maybe i haven't autopsyed enough of my marriage yet. I know for awhile i was thinking that my brain with thoughts was never going to stop. It has slowed down, but still. ALso i still can't get much past four hours of sleep a night.
You know, everything she accused me of, i accepted.I accepted it because she was my wife. I figured there must be some truth in it, so i started slowing down, searching, and reading on line about his needs and her needs. Too late for this marriage, actually my first. Everything she has accused me of, she is the one actually quilty of. At one time she told me i was abusive to her son. She had called me home about seven times saying i needed to get here quick, because she is either going to, or can't stop beating him.
When i first met wife and her children, there was a very angry little boy. He would throw things at the walls and ceilings, yelling he hates grandma and mommy, and he is going to kill them, and burn this house down. So i set out to help this angry little fellow. And i did just that.
She always said her kids never knew this or that until they met mine. Of course all the bad habits kids aquire, especially when they don't like some type of food, and so they say, ew, i don't like that.
I'am very serious, everything she accused me of, she was the guilty one, it was almost like she was seeing, i don't know, i can't explain it.
She also told my daughter that she would never come back. Still, a big part of me wants to save the marriage, and help her. Help her, help me, help us. Because we all are in need. Especially my 11 year old son. She also would yell at him, you fat little f****** son of a b****, you are not my F****** son, and i'am not your F****** mother. She would set him up just the same way she would me. She would not accept our answers, keep asking until we would get or become upset. If he started crying, she would always call him little cry baby susie, what do you have between your legs, a penis or a vagina. Son would sat thats gross (name)
Here is why she was mad at me from what she told me a few months ago. Because i never bought her a single pair of earrings, and that i do not listen to her. I also never bought her any clothes. I have bought her clothes. I have bought her alot of things, candles, sweets, flowers, other odds and ends, knick knack things,,,,,
Kick me out of the home, i'm not sure about any laws, maybe that works in divorce courts. All i know is that she left, saying i attempted to force her out. She wanted me and my son to move out, if we weer going to be husband and wife,,,
My age is 44, w is 37. Her first daughter the 11 year old, is 11 but going on like maybe 25.
One rule i had here, was no boyfriend or girlfriend until 16. Well w now allows her daughter to have a boyfriend.
Why is there so much of me that wants to save this marriage? Every time we go a few days, before RO, she would contact me. Now, after the RO, she will contact my daughter after a few days. Why? If she wants out, shouldn;t she just go all the way? Wouldn;t this be easier? For everybody? Especially myself, my selfish self, as wife would always tell me.

Stephan,

I hear you well. Thanks for answering my questions, I know there was more to your story than what you had posted. I have come across too many story that I could detected that the real problem is with your WW not you ! and also she brought a baggage to your M !.

Welcome to MB. You come to a right place to learn how to save your M. Check the link under my signature ... acronym will help you to understand those short hand. Start with General Welcome then WAT's quick guide. Follow all the link to understand well MB. It seems you love your WW and you want to save your M regardless, you are a good man. It is good specially when there are innocent children involve. Please learn about plan A, LB$, LB, instinct/habit, ENs. Get into plan A right away, it would go a long way.

Remember she bring emotional baggage to this M. IMHO, w/ respect, your WW is using M to fix something in her life. If you look at her past M and probably if you talk to her mom you will see more. Look for the pattern. Also this time I would get conseling from MB if you could afford it, you are going to need them. There are too much variables that are way over my head to give out oppinions. I just know enough to be dangerous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . We are here to give our oppinion and to lend our shoulder. You get advice from conseling.

Buckle up, you will be in emotional coaster if you are not already. This 'coaster is the ride of your life, get medication if you need it.

-rh-

Roller coaster ride, oh was i ever? I think i still am, just not as bad. Like before the RO was issues. When we were still talking on the phone daily, i would always find myself listening to her, and trusting her. Just to get knocked, slapped, kicked, and daggers shot thru the heart, and yet stomped on one more time, just for the reassurance of things. She would always say, you never listen, you need to trust,,,, Somehow, even knowing better, i some how still listened, and trusted. I never knew, or even thought a wife, or a person, could hate and resent so much. When i would touch her, her facial expressions would just cringe in pain.
I have another post going in divorcing/divorced. I was trying to figure out how i could send it in here. My reason is because i want to do what it takes if possible, to save my, our marriage.
Notpeachyinga suggested i find you. You are a survivor.
Can you go to divorced/divorce abd read my posts? Then can you help me with any suggestions.
Over the weekend w read that all i want is jopint custody of children, and i wanted a divorce as well. I also informed her that her accusations were not justified, towards me.
She sent a message thru my 14 year old D that she would drop RO, and she would give me full custody of children she would be week end mom. If i stop emailing her. A week ago i was in D e-mail, we have a web site for her, she is a pitcher for her softball teams. I monitor her email. I sent some email from hotmail address, closed, went into my outlook express, noticed there was one sent message, clicked on this, and it was my W's email address. I panicked, quick clicked on the x, thinking that it would like take it away. I really do not know how i managed this. For days i was scared and nervous. W also was tlking to D about this guy, saying she did not like him anymore, he was a drunk, and only went to his house a few times to watch his dog, so he and daughter could go some place. W also spoke about he called her at two a.m. drunk talking about his xgirl, stalking and following him. W stated she wasn't in an affair, it was never like that. Well, why and how did he have the phone number to where she now stays. I suppose she really sees stupid on foreheads, especially mine.
I want to save the marriage, even though there may be some real issues with my WW. Our problems in our marriage are the simple ones. The simple misunderstandings, his needs and her needs.
I used to think that anyhow, now i'm really not sure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stephan:
<strong>I want to save the marriage, even though there may be some real issues with my WW. Our problems in our marriage are the simple ones. The simple misunderstandings, his needs and her needs.
I used to think that anyhow, now i'm really not sure.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior specially when there is no life changing determination (from within). Your problem is beyond HNHN. She has issues on her own to tackle.

My M ends up in Dv but I have no regret pushing it (She filed and I get my status change to end my misery). My M doesn't survive this A but I survive this A and thriving. I will go over D/D board to post there. For the longest time notpeachyinga wants me to post there.
-rh-

Just rereading my post here. When you asked what was i thinking when i married her, what i meant to say was, well obviously i wasn't thinking with the head on my shoulders, that has to be pretty clear.
Toady i remembered something from six years ago. One day after picking up my children, i was walking out and i heard WW say to a friend there she would llike to have a baby girl either from me or with me, look at all of that long wavy and curly hair. I wore my hair long in these days, when its long its also full of pipe curls.
However many months later, we started dating. Some time later she came to my house and stated she was pregnant. My response was what the ,,, Christy i will be )age_ when child is done with school,,,,
She had told me she was getting back on the pill. Well i shattered her moment i suppose. I tried explaining to her that i didn't mean to be rude or cold or anything, how i was concerned is all. I also asked her do you think i would have handled it different if WE had been planning this. I asked how do you know from what i said i was being negative, maybe thats how i elected to handle the great news, The lady i was with before Christy. Her friend asked if i would take her out for B-day. Figured the nice guy i'am, i can do this. I planned a restraunt, dinner and a movie. THis lady, no, this person, all she had in and on her mind was a bar. So we went to the bar. She gave and recieved so many kisses that night, and it sure wasn't to me, her date. I ended the date rather early, on the way home she asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend? I)lets just take it one day at a time, knowing perfectly well i wanted nothing to do with her. Well she came ti where i was living at the time. Bangingm kickingm yelling, crying. I lived with my cousins at the time. SHe would ahve the whole house awoke by the time she was done. I would always send her drunk a.s.s. home as she would begin to cry. Id tell her Eventually i started telling her just take your drunk, crybabay [censored] home, go sleeo it iff and you'll probably forget about it in the a,m,,
After a few months of her doing this, night after night, i finally said get upstairs i;ll give you what you want. She came back later said she was pregnant. So i tried to do what i thought was the right thing to do. WE never married cuz, she was already married!!! So, back to WW, a part of me thought she was trying to trap me as well. SO i even shared that with my WW. I also said to WW i thought maybe you were trying to trap me, and i was confused cuz before i was pursuing you, now its going to be like, now i have to. Do you understand what i mean here? All i was wonering was i trapped again. I was being open and honest with her. She was already saying how i was her best friend. I used to think that as best friends you could say anyhting to a BF. Some time later i choose to love WW. Shared that with her as well that yes im in love with you. So many times for a long time i would hear about this, how I made her feel, because i was selfish. This should have been placed where it belonged, done and over with.
AS it turned out, the mother of my first two, i spent almost ten years trying to get her to stop being a drunk, and a drug headly. Also a little tramp in yeras to come. So, one day i changed the locks on the doors, when she came to what she thought was her home, i told her she no longer lives here anymore. All of her clothes were out on the porch, waiting for her. She even would take our children to the drug houses with her. When i found this out, yes locks were changed quick. Hired a lawyer, have custody. She still is a dead beat person, not dead beat mom, cuz a true mom would not allow this. She still does not pay her child support. She doesn't work, shes in a shack up relationship.
When WW was leaving, she was telling me how sweet i made it for this person. How so nice to her i was, nicer then i was to my WW.
This is my relationship saga.

How would I, construct a plan B letter to my WW.
For some reason i still find myself wanting to save and or salvage my marriage to my WW. Even through all of the emotional ups and downs, and all of her lies and head games.
Why do i still feel as though its the right thing to do? After she shared the info to my D, i noticed she has been more nice. I realize it may still be a game, but,,,
I would love, and i want to have my family back, place all of this behind us, and focus on being a better and loving husband and wife, and family.
Any suggestions? Or do you, from your knowledge believe that i should let go, and move onward?
Again, i really want my marriage,, i try to lie to myself and convince ,yself otherwise, but it only lasts a short while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stephan:
<strong>How would I, construct a plan B letter to my WW.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With RO & probably Dv is looming, you should focus to protect your self & kids ... M is secondary. Having say this, I would avoid LB at all cost, review your contribution/contamination in M and learn how to fix it, and just wait. Let her do her dance of deceptions and deceit ... just watch & don't think or guess on her motive (disrespectful judgement), let her tell you and match it with her actions. Don't write plan B, you have not done plan A, she might it take it differently. She know you want to fix M if she is willing ... leave it there, otherwise that letter could be and would be use against you.

-rh-

On Fathers Day, i took over custody of our children. The Friend of the court awarded me, the father, physical custody!!! On my way out to pick up children, i brought W pack of cigs, and her favorite soft drink. Not knowing if and or when she received any court papers. Later i found out she had received them in Sat. mail. Sun. eve she called, reminding me what she really thought of me!! She told me i brought those items to butter her up, and that was sick!! That really was not my intentions, but anyhow.
I shared with her that a part of me was hoping that she now would focus on trying to save our marriage,, everything i shared with the friend of court, W stated that i LIED!! She even asked me how i can sleep at night, and even live with myself. I spoke of OM, to this day she denies all. Yet while we were talking one day, i shared with her how it bothered me that when our children was with her, i couldn't call them, nor they me. How anybody else could call, and or visit my W and children, even send flowers if they wanted to, that i couldn't even send a petal off a flower, if i wanted to. Her reply was *what did you want me to do kick his [censored], i almost placed a PPo out on him as well, and besides, i never answered the door when he came over* i was silent, she changed the subject.
Three days later she stopped over, we sat at the table, she wanted me and my 12 year old son to still move out, cuz she did not want to move back to (town) Days later she denied even having this conversation.
One of her calls on Fathers day she informed me she just hung up from her boss, she gave her two week notice. Two weeks later i asked her
about this, her reply was she never told me that she was quitting. All four of her phone calls, she was saying this and or that about child support,, that she will now be supporting my [censored].
all i said to her was W, it was all ok when it was turned around. On Fathers Day, she also accused me of being contempt of court. Days later i receive a letter from her lawyer, saying just that. Also with yet more lies!!!
For months my W hated me, now, she acts as if we are friends, and i'm human again.
We spent the day together, our five year old had her MRI, we had the doctors appointment today to go over the results. I found myself listening to her, trusting,,, its so sad, in fact its almost pathetic, because i know my wife is playing a game! This lady wants nothing to do with me, all she wants me to do is agree to joint physical custody. All because of money! Weeks ago her lawyer called me, wanting me to meet with them, and go over the arrangements of joint custody, i never called!!
When i'm not seeing, or talking to my W, i can manage, when i'm talking to her, and seeing her, like today, i find myself stumbling!!
For seven days straight, i phoned W, asking if she wants the children for the day, every day she had an excuse. The only communication allowed between us is only regarding the children, yet for her conveince, she will get ahold of me for other reasons, so, i stopped contacting her, asking if she wants the children,,, my three year old noticed i was wearing my wedding band, he asked why, so i said cuz i miss mommy, and she's daddy's wife, and i love her. Her started crying saying take it off, hers ugly, and hers mean, daddy not wear mommys ring.
How can she hate me for so long, and now act as though we're friends??? I want to see, and talk to W, but at the same time, i almost resent it!? How and why?
W was even talking about our times together, you know the reminicing thing,, she even asked me how her pants looked, while i was walking behind her,,she lies about me, but to my face acts as though we're friends, i really can't understand these head games,,
B/T/W/ daughters MRI results, came back great, the tumor has not changed!!! She's now a two year survivor!!!
I have tried to get myself and children into counselling, to no avail,,,too much money!!

Miracle do happen only if we ask and to glorify HIS name. Long distance prayers worked too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I am glad the justice is not blind, you are definitly the better parent at this time. Even in liberal CA court, I got 50-50. You know that your kids need their mother, arrange only supervise visitation for her. I would not let them alone with their mother unless she clean up !. Do not based any decision about your kid's custody on "saving M". Your kids are more important than M than your WW ... actually more than you.

About conseling ... there are many freebie if you look hard enough. In my church, we are attending classes with AACC to help out as layman conselor. The service of conseling, couple (M), pre marital, and divorced are free. Check with your local church and ask around. In my county, San Mateo, we have "group" for kids of Dv parent ... for a very minimal fee. They could talk their issues w/ other kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !. Most of charity run has a sliding scale based on your income.

I know money is hard but you know it is cheaper than bail money or drug rehabs or life time emotional scars .... aks your local Family Court Service about alternatives.

Glad to hear from you -rh-

Hi Stephan,

This is the first I saw your post.

I have to say, your W is scaring me. I know you love her, but your kids need to be your first priority.

I hope you document everything? Have you called a Men's Right's Group? Honestly, I think you could benefit from it.

If I say anything, more, based upon what you posted, it will not be in line with saving Marriages.

What mother does not know to tuck her kids in. Small children do not ask. And she was a Daycare provider, that is scarry. My daycare provide gives my kids hugs all the time. She genuinely cares about every child in her care.

I have grave concerns about a women that will not allow the children to call their father when they are with her. I agree with RH, that she should only have supervised visitation with the kids, and do not agree to Joint Custody.

Good luck to you.

Yes i document everything, and than some, at least it seems that way due to all the writing i do. No i have not contacted any mans rights groups,,?? I used to spend a lot of time trying to understand my W. Recently i spend time educating myself regards to relationships, and behavior.
Like i said to W yesterday, i'm all about saving a family, opposed to breaking a family, and knowing there are resources out there for us,,,,
When my W stated she spent four years trying to get rid of my sick & stupid [censored], you know that was like answers to alot!! I asked her about this yesterday as well, she didn't remember saying this, anyhow, she said she must have been really mad.
I have been reading about borderline personality disorder, and i have found some answers there as well. In fact i have found my W there, you knwo what i mean? She's not actually there,,, my w gave me every excuse for years to avoid any intimate moments between us,,, she would hold things against me, accuse me of this and or that,,
the two main ones were flirting, and yelling,,
Some times i wonder if i haven't been brain washed into having a relationship with her, yes i was attracted to her,,, shortly after our marriage i started hearing how i was controlling, manipulating,, i'm sorry, but this has never been me, and it still is not me. Have i had moments of being selfish? yeppers,, when ever i would bring her anything, candles, sweets, cards, what ever, she would say that i was sick cuz the only reason i would do these was to receive something from her, i said some times its suppose to be ok, at least i used to think so anyhow. The majority of times i did this out of love,,, w/o a price of any. Yes there were times when i would do things and hope i could sing the *yes i'm a lucky dog* song, you know, to be able to hold, and be held, and yes make love!! Physical and emotionally,,
I think my W does have problems, maybe i'm her biggest problem, and one of the things i'm confused about are my vows,, thru sickness and in health,,,for better for worse,, til death do us part!? I think my marriage was a mistake, i also think she was in a fantasy thing,,
After we became sexual, some of the things she would say during oue *love making* sessions, were on the dirty side, this not only confused me, but i became concerned as well. It was like i was with a tramp,, like it was dirty cheating sex. But i also thought it was ok, cuz behind closed doors we let our hair down,, Yes i feel as though the abuse came from her, that i was the abused one,,,,,,just in those days i refused to look at it as such, does this make sense? Now i can see the picture in a different way. Yes i would like to save my marriage, if it was ever a real marriage, yet knowing this will never happen, my W knows only how to accuse, point the finger and to blame,, it amazes me how one can think it only takes one to be at fault,,
I miss my wife,, or do i miss the abuse?
I keep smiling, cuz life is too short, to be so serious!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Questions are good ... it bring more questions to disect your M. It is part of the healing. I am still up and down most of the time ... I do not missed my ExW no more and I don't want her but I cried for future happiness that has lost. Focus on your kids ... my 2 D are the light of my life.

I do beleive you should stick with "tough love", not plan A at all. There is room for any other problem than A !. She has to resolve that ... as you realize it by now, she has baggage that she carries. She needs IC ... behind those anger are hurt, confusion and frustration. She has to deal with it first. Drug, Alcohol & unsual sex drive are symptoms only. I would not take her actions & words personally, don't react to it. You know who you are and don't let anything or anybody tell you otherwise. The truth will prevail. If they ask you just tell them the fact and let them see themself the lies behind her words. If they can't it is not your task to make them and you need to avoid them.

God Bless you. -rh-