Well my H and I had our first counselling session. It went okay. He stated that the reason we were at counselling was not because of the affair. He said it was because our marriage has not been good for the last 7 years. I wish he had of told me this. I do have issues with physicial affection (hugging kissing), and apparently he is starved for this type of affection. I was rather resentful that the marriage problems were made out to be my fault. His work has taken him away from home for weeks at a time. He seems preoccpied with work all the time. I guess there is no point in laying the blame at this time. I have chosen to change my self and become more open and loving. I did insist that he have no contact wth the OW. He told me in front of the counselor that the day after d-day he told the OW. He said the affair is over. He knows that this is hard for me to believe. (No duh). We have agreed to go to the counsellor once a week. I guess this shows that he is willing to work on our marriage. The bonus for me was that my husband actually liked the counsellor (male). He really opened up i nthe office (shed a few tears). I am still waiting for my books to arrive and have ordered His needs, Her needs on CD form so that my husband can listen to them while he is driving for work.

He is going away over the next two weeks. I am going to ask him for an itinerary (?) of his flights, hotel etc. I don't want to seem overbearing about the affair issue but I do need reassurrance. I do not think this is an unreasonable request.

The counselor told us that we needed to schedule time to sit down and talk at least once a week. He said it was a bit clinical but the effort to share on both sides has been lacking.

I believe my husband is in withdrawal from the A. He is a bit moody and then he is very nice. Quite frankly, with the hell he has played with my emotional well being over the last week (d-day March 29th), I really do not feel sorry for him. (Am I a bad person).

I will keep posting and ask for advice as I am sure the next month, weeks, year is not going to be an easy road. I have to do a 360 in my life and completely change my way of showing affection. I was brought up in a military family with no hugging, kissing, "i love you's". This is going to be a real challenge for me. But I am up for it.

You are both doing or trying to do the right thing. He is opening up. You know the truth. There is probably never a case where it is all one persons's fault when commitments are broken in a marriage. Of course we shouldn't do it, along with the minor indescretions. The OW I think is a symptom, not the disease. Although it is entertaining to picture her as a disease! Both you and your husband are attending counseling because it is the mature thing to do to save and ultimatly make marriage what you wish for. Having this professional to talk to is to make for a securing of what you all need to express, one issue at a time, and eventually work out to a mutually satisfying understanding. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't punish yourself with feeling sorry for yourself either. It is your right to have an itinerary of where and with whom he is spending time with. He should respectfully tell you. You have a common interest here. I think it is worth every good effort to make marriage fulfilling, growing, and everlasting. Prayer and reading those books with your husband is helpful. Best wishes, wflower

Thanks - I am having a bad day today. I have had struggled with my anxiety again today and have been close to tears most of the day. I am not sure why. I have set aside time with my husband tonight and plan on being physically intimant. I had planned this for last night but when he came home (10:00 pm) from a business dinner he said he was too tired and could be wait until tomorrow night. I gave him a hug and said sure (he did look tired). We will see how things go tonight. I did not doubt his whereabouts last night but this morning I am. I have pictures of him in my head meeting with the OW for dinner. He says it is over between him and the OW and I really want to believe him. I guess we will all go through times where we question our trust. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt right now I guess.

We have a second appointment for counselling. Our homework was to set some time aside and talk about like in general. He has made no attempt to schedule this appointment and so I will suggest that we do this on Friday. I intend to ask him some questions that he can think about such as What makes you happy. He stated in the counselling session that he needs to be happy in his life. I am also going to ask him what his emotional needs and wants are. I will also make a list for myself. It will be interesting to see what he puts down as far as what makes him happy. His work definitely is a high priority and he has been happy in the past with this but I sense he is not so happy with his career path (mid life crisis??). I think he needs to make a decision as to what will make him happy in his life and pursue it (as long as it is not the OW). Anyway, I am rambling, but just had a slight anxiety attack while I was sitting here working. I am confident that things will go well tonight. I have made arrangements for our daughter to be picked up for hockey practice and this will give us 2-3 hours of uninterrupted time, early enough in the evening.

Any suggestions on how to keep the anxiety in check ( I already am taking Ativan as needed). I find my mind just races every once in a while. Is this normal?? The counselor asked me if I wanted to know any more details about the A and I told him that I really did not want to know any more than I already knew. My husband doesnt know how much I know, but I have alot of information on the A that he does not even suspect. Anyway - the counselor said that it was good that I did not want to know anymore, as it would probably just make me more anxious and the details really were not important in solving our problems.

Thanks for any input

Hang in ther girl. I know what anxiety is. Please try not to put useless pressure on yourself. God only knows. I say a good long prayer and confess my sins to Him. I pray for God to help my husband. I cry and give thanks to God, because even in the worst of times He is with you actually He is with you more then. Helpful hint, make the counselor appointment at the end of your meeting. Then there is no question and extra thought about if you will go, next time. You go even if he won't. If he is not seeing the OW, he wants to improve. After our first session alot of feelings surface. I called the counselor in tears and he was good to give me some sound advice. Tell the counselor what is worrying you, write it down. Keeping a journal is a way to keep thoughts under control.

Stated, I am having to reply to your email this way as my computer has gone nearly as wayward as my husband! But I saw your message and wanted to respond.

Your anxiety is utterly and absolutely normal. It is going to be a long time before you are able to trust and believe your husband. WFlower is quite right that you and he are doing all the best things possible to help your marriage, but despite this, you are still going through an emotionally devastating experience. Even though your husband has shown remorse, guilt, sorrow etc. and says he has ended his affair, nevertheless you are still going through a kind of bereavement, and learning to cope with the devastating discovery that the person you trusted so much has cheated on you, lied to you, hurt you, seemingly rejected you etc. etc. You are traumatised, and can't possibly feel anything else but deep anguish at the moment.

You are doing all the right things to help get back to normal but this won't happen overnight. It's a bit like trying to repair a vase which has shattered, or put together the pieces which make up a jigsaw. You have to do that one piece at a time.

To help with your anxiety, I wish I had some answers then I could use them myself! I too am on antidepressants, and sleeping tablets as well. In the first few weeks after DDay it is incredibly difficult to focus on anything else but your husband's infidelity - I could not read, could scarcely eat, and like you, just cried all the time. Sometimes that is necessary - it isn't really much use trying to escape from your grief by attempting to take your mind off it - it is too immense, and too recent for that to happen at the moment. But this raw, intense kind of agony does lessen - it has even for me, and my husband's affair is still ongoing. Just don't try to rush things - you have got to let your grief out, and your husband needs to see what he has done to you. His guilt is part of the healing process for you both.

Things are happening very quickly at present, and you are obviously feeling overwhelmed. Not only are you still trying to take in the devastating discovery of your husband's affair, you are desperately trying to do what the counsellor has advised in order repair your marriage on top of that. Try not to rush things as regards getting things back to normal with your husband. Your grief has to have an outlet, and you can't just push it to one side. Counselling is a very good idea, but it isn't that easy to implement all the counsellor's suggestions in these early weeks, when your pain is so immense and you are trying to cope with that. Don't expect miracles - you won't be able to start being 'the perfect wife' immediately, particularly if you feel your husband is depressed over the loss of his OW. That is a horrible thing to have to witness.
No you are NOT a bad person because you can't feel sorry for your husband during his withdrawal! You would be a saint if you did! However much you think you have contributed to problems within your marriage, the fact is that your husband has hurt you to the very core of your being, and it can take months to recover from this.

Keep up with your running, try to spend time with your daughter and with your husband as planned, but don't be hard on yourself because you are tearful and anxious. This is utterly and absolutely normal. But time is a great healer. I promise things will get better. Just take one day at a time.

I am praying for you and will email you as soon as my husband mends the computer (I knew I needed him for something!)

God bless, and hope things work out well tonight for you.

Stilltrusting

Well- things did not go a planned last night. My husband told me that he is having a hard time with the way I have changed and become more affectionate with him. He said it was too much to deal with. He said that the biggest problem in our marriage was my lack of affection. I have decided to do a 360 on this and show him. He is very confused and I think a depressed. It has been 2 weeks now since D-day. How long does one stay in plan A. We have another counselling session on the 24th of April. H will be away on business next week for 2 days. Hopefully he will do some thinking then. I hasked him a lot of questions last night he said he did not have the answers for. He said he needed to be happy in life. He said that the way I am feeling right now is how he has felt for years in our marriage. I don't think that the marriage is totally to blame for this now. I think he is depressed and has been for a while. He has body issue problems (bit overweight) and doesnt feel good about himself right now. He said he was very angry and resentful (at me??), and probably angry with himself. Is this all part of the withdrawal?? I asked him if he wanted me to back off with the affection and give him space. He did not answer the question. He looked like hell this morning, bags under his eyes. I gave him a hug and kiss and he was receptical of this. He told me his plan for the day and what time he would be home (good sign I guess).. It told him my intensions last night that I wanted our marriage to work and that I would do whatever it took. He knows where I stand now I guess it is a waiting game. When does one implement plan B? I am going to be patient but I am sure I will have my moments of doubt and anxiety. I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. My running is going very well surprisingly because of this crap in my life. I guess it is a good way to let off my steam. I told my husband that it was hard putting on a good face infront of our daughter and friends. He said we needed to make our daughter happy and to continue on with our daily lives as normally as possible for her. I guess he doesnt want to disappoint her the way he did me. She would be totally devestated and probably not speak to him for quite a while.

Anyway I am rambling - any thoughts, prayers and suggestions today would be a godsend to me. I am planning on talking to a friend who lives in the US today and I think I will talk to her about this. My husband said maybe I needed to talk to my one of my friends about this. He said it would depend on how I felt about telling how much of the problems we are having. My friend is older and wiser than me and her husband works for the same company in the US as mine does here in Canada. She might be able to lead a good unbias listening ear.

Anyway thanks for listening, this is a great place to be this morning for me.

What you just wrote sounds a lot like conversations I had with my S a few months ago. And you sound very lucid not rambling. It takes attention and time. I am new at this site, but I have read much material. Application is work. It is worth it. The things you said to him show him how valuable you are to him. He looks tired out because he is. When we start doing things to improve our marriage and start learning about Policy of Joint Agreement, it is a relief. When he proves to you that he wants you to trust him,by letting you know where he is and with whom and that he makes himself available to you by cell phone or whatever,, you are doing good. My husband said along while ago, before I knew about this web site that we should get it together for our children. But I said I don't want that to be the reason we stay together. I want it to be because of each other. I won't accept being shortchanged out of the comittments we made years ago. I won't take second chair to another needy woman either. Yes, we have problems and yes we are not always happy. God gave us many resources. (Alternate GF, OW, OM, were not the resources) We learn the ten commandments as children. Think we have it down. But we make mistakes when we are adults. The rules God set up were to protect us. I used to think I knew quite a lot. Now I understand that every day is new with fresh ideas and understanding and also beauty and yes there is the ugly stuff. We are here to help each other. Share our experiences. Get through pain. And make it better.
'

Thanks - I have just sat down and wrote my husband a card and attached an EN questionare to it. I will leave it for him tomorrow in his car in the am. I told him that I will give him the space he needs to clear his head (fogged completed) and will not pressure him into disclosing any thing to me he does not want to. I told him I have stopped snooping and that I love him. Also told him that looking for blame is not the answer. I told him the answer is the future. (make sense??). I told him that I really feel bad that he is in such pain at the moment and I know what it feels like to be in such pain (as I am right now with all this crap). I told him I did not intentially mean to contribute to his feelings of lonliless or low self esteem in our marriage. I appologised for this. I told him I was giving 100% of myself to him and our marriage. I said I would be strong with putting on a front (not for too much longer though) for our daughter's sake. I dont think putting her through this turmoil right now is going to help any. I told him I would not be judgmental if he was open and honest with me, nor would I condem anything. I told him I have always respected his ambitious nature and honesty (not so much now with the honesty). I said that it hurt me to see him in so much pain.

Hopefully this letter will open his eyes through the fog a bit. I intend to step back now and see what happens. If I dont get some sort of response from him by the middle of next week, I will try and open up conversation again. I realize he needs time to think, get his head on straight etc, but I am hurting too. I need some frigging compassion from someone (you guys are great). I think my H is suffering from depression (runs in his family). I am not sure if I should broach this subject with him and maybe he can try and get some help. Antidepressants might help him think better. I know that they tend to clear my mind up when things are rough.

Anyway, I need to get to work and make a living. Thanks for the sounding board.