My husband and I have to go and see my parents this week, who aren't well. I had arranged to go round tomorrow, but when my husband heard about this, he said, 'Oh - I'd thought of going out for a cycle tomorrow.' I knew immediately from his tone of voice and everything what this meant: that he would be cycling over to HER house (she only lives about five miles from us), taking her out to lunch, then going back to her place for sex.

And yet, can you believe this - I told him as meekly and mildly as could be that it was ok, we would go round to my parents the next day!

Why do I do this? Why, even though I was 99.9% certain my husband's cycle meant that he was going over to be with his OW do I make it easy for him? I know I am implicitly condoning his actions by my doormattish behaviour.

But I think I know why I do it. I do it because after living with a husband who has been involved in an EMA for nine months (I have known about it for seven), I feel so lonely, so isolated, so desperate for kindness and for love - and trying so hard to implement Plan A, that this is how I behave. It is as though I am saying, 'Alright, you go round to be with your OW - but please reward me by being nice to me when you get home and making me feel a little more loved and wanted.'

On top of this, I think when we BS are going through so much stress and pain, and things are so chaotic and unfamiliar in our lives, we are just longing for things to 'feel' like they are normal and stable - even in they aren't. This is a big change to how I used to be in the early weeks after D-Day, when I would have done anything to get my husband to avoid going over to see HER.

Am I getting used to things? Am I starting to think, 'Well, as long as I'm the primary person in my husband's life, as long as he comes home to
me at the end of (most) days, as long as he doesn't make my life too unpleasant, and is kind and loving to me, I'll put up with this? That isn't how I feel - I am in anguish most of the time. But it is frightening that because my life was so traumatic in the early weeks after DDay that I seem to be starting to give the impression to my husband some of the time that his cheating is okay by me as long as he doesn't hurt me too much by making things glaringly obvious. And yet most of the time, inside, I am dying; the life is being sucked out of me as I see the weeks go by with no hope whatsoever of my husband ending things with his OW.

It is terribly hard though for us betrayed wives. The OW and our wayward husbands only have to live in the fantasy world which their adolescent infatuations place them. But we have to live in the real, day to day, normal world, where there are real events like children to care for, bills to pay, ill health to deal with - to say nothing of the agonising grief we are going through. If we are being a bit too soft for some of those who believe strongly in Plan B-ing - have some pity on us. It's hell in this world - and we are trying to juggle a million different issues. Not least in my case very poor health (MS) and a daughter who is so important to me that I feel I would do almost anything to keep her from learning the truth about her father.

I know, I know. I deserve all I'm getting. But I happen to love my husband despite all this, and would prefer at present the few stale crumbs he is giving me, to having no loaf at all. We all cope differently, and our situations are all different.

Any opinions though as to whether I should carry on being so meek, or why I am doing this? How do others feel who are still living with a WS, whose affair has been ongoing for several months? Anyone else a doormat like me? And does anyone have any advice about ways in which I could cope with my distress without breaking up the family. I desperately want to protect our daughter if at all possible, particularly as she has important exams coming up in two months time, and also thinks so much of her father.

My husband clearly has no intention of leaving me for his OW, and has said on several times he never wants us to break up. He has told me he loves me, and wants to care for me as much as he possibly can (I am disabled and need a lot of help round the house and with day-to-day chores.) But I know he is frightened of what the future holds for him if I deteriorate greatly, and I think this is originally how he got into his affair, because he felt he needed some support.

Any advice or help greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone here,

Stilltrusting

Why are you so willing to share your husband with another woman? I have heard of this before, but I don't get it. I am selfish and jealous that my husband would give attention, particularly intimate attention to a stranger. What's up with that? wflower

stilltrusting,

You can't love someone if you don't love yourself. Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can ... learn what is plan A about. Plan A is not doormat but while you are working to "fix" your self you have to give it time. If you are doing this with out plan A ... I gurantee you will snapped one of this day.

-rh-

I am NOT willing to share my husband with another woman. I am just as selfish and jealous as you are WFlower, but all the books, articles and marriage counsellors tell us not to go rushing into any decision immediately we find out about our spouse's infidelity, and surely, Plan A is based upon sticking things out for a while and trying to keep our marriage intact. I know that many women couldn't endure their husband stil carrying on with his OW for nine months, as I have (seven from DDay) but surely many have lasted a few months - as well as a large number whose husband is still cheating on them but who aren't sure about it? Things aren't always as black and white as they might seem.

Also, as I said, I care greatly about my daughter's wellbeing, and want to try to protect her if at all possible - and as I still love my husband, I don't want to lose him after twenty three years together without giving everything I can give before throwing in the towel. We all cope differently - on DDay I screamed at my husband to tell him to go and live with his ***** if he wanted, but things are somewhat different now. I know I will have to go into Plan B and insist we separate if his infidelity lasts for much longer, but at present I can't cope with any more stress in my life because of my poor health.

I know in many ways you are right though, and will make what I hope will be the best decision when I am ready.

Redhat, thank you for your welcoming words and very useful ideas. Will have a good read of those!

Stilltrusting

YOUR health is important to your daughter's well being. You need to be healthy. All this emotional turmoil is not helping your situation. Maybe you need to institute plan B, as much as it hurts to even think about it (even for me). I know too well how much stress affects your body. You need to get better. Allowing you husband to continue to emotionally upset you is not helping. Tell him it is your way or the highway. Try and be strong ( I know it is so very difficult and painful). I love my H too and plan on giving him some space and time to heal, but I will not allow him to continue a relationship with OW. I wont tolerate being a third wheel. He says it is over and so far I dont have any proof otherwise. Your H is being totally insensitive to your needs right now. With health issues he needs to support your, reassure you and be there. Better, he needs to be there for his daughter when you are under the weather. My H has been very supportive in this regard over the years and still is with my Lupus and no suspected MS. It is a big step this plan B by the looks of things. Do you have any other support in your area to help.?? I am feeling your pain and hope you can survive through all this crap. It seems so unfair, the good people in life being hurt. I guess god is really testing us, huh>

Hope you make it through another day.

The burden that you have is difficult for me to understand. You sound like a gentlewoman. I do not understand infidelity. I have read plenty and I want to understand how why...You never ask to be in this kind of situation and God knows you don't deserve it. You wish to protect your family and that is honorable. How can you make it better. It looks like you are. You are taking care of your family. You have excellent priorities=family. Red Hat has organized advice. Best wishes and my prayers are with you. wflower.

Stated and WFlower - thank you both for your kind and loving words, which have had me in tears (not difficult nowadays). WFlower - you probably don't know my situation properly, but basically what has happened is that after twenty years of marriage, my husband has strayed for many reasons. He is depressed, going through several difficult changes at work, is suffering from mid-life issues - but above all, is frightened of what will happen in the future if my MS gets so bad he has to look after me.

No Stated, there isn't really anyone to support me in my area, and apart from health carers if I needed them. But family wise, the only people I have really are my parents, but they are both very ill as well - my mother with MS like me, my father with Parkinson's Disease. So I have no one but my husband. This is why things are different for me than for the average woman, who has far more choices than I do. I simply am not able to look after myself, as I can't even walk round a shop. Yes, you are right that my husband is being totally selfish to continue with his affair and totally insensitive to my needs. All I can say in his favour is he does everything he can to look after me to make up for what he is doing - but of course, as we all know here, that isn't enough. There is only one thing will be of any use to me, and I know I am going to have to consider Plan B sometime. But I can't just yet. I couldn't cope with the extra stress of our daughter finding out, I just couldn't. I pray several times a day that my husband will come to his senses in the not too distant future - I believe him when he says he loves me, but he is going to have to show that a bit more clearly.

Meanwhile, my faith gives me the strength to cope, as do the kind and supportive people on this message board, and the love I have for my daughter - yes, and for my husband. In the end, my life wouldn't be worth living without them. So I have to hang on for a while longer.

God bless to both of you - must go now as I am falling asleep. But thank you for everything - and Stated, especially - my thoughts are with you.

Stilltrusting

stilltrusting,

Let's focus on what you can do. What is plan A to you ?. What are his complaint before D-day and after D-day about you in M ?. Those are plan A actions to do, where are you at with those. Does your H refuse ENs to be filled by you ?.

You could create in-love as long as you are willing to give 4 gifts of love and he is letting you do it. This is very hard when there is third party involve, usually H won't let you filling the ENs that OW filled. Or if he lets you, you are competing with OW and the chances of H become cake eater is greater with time.

I agree for you being doormat but with purpose otherwise this M become life for the living dead. I did become a doormat of the year while I was doing plan A. However the payoff is huge for me, I & my 2D get out of this A with Dv but with little scars !.

My prayers are with you and meanwhile let's check your plan A.

-rh-

Hello red, many thanks for your continued interest in me and my situation. I have been reading over about Plans A and B again, and I have to say I am probably not really carrying out Plan A at all now. In the early days my husband and I were talking often about his affair, and I made it quite clear (without shouting etc) that I could not tolerate to share him with someone else. He gave me all the usual stuff about how he 'needed' time', 'needed space', was 'confused', 'depressed' - all those wearisomely familiar statements - but he admitted there was no way in which I had let him down or failed him: he said he knew I had been loving, devoted and interested in everything he did, and that there was nothing really I could change - apart from being ill. I think things are different with us than in most cases - what clearly happened was that my husband got scared at the thought of having to deal with my illness on his own: he joined a guitar class as a way of getting out of the house for a few hours, and met this woman. She had not long since got over a harrowing divorce, and was apparently out to get a man - preferably an older one, and preferably married! My husband fitted the bill, and being vulnerable and weak, was putty in her hands. The rest, as they say, is history.

He constantly tells me he loves me, stresses that he won't ever leave me (and doesn't want to) but that he needs the 'support' of his OW. But as I re-read about Plan A, it is almost impossible to attempt to meet his needs, or do things with him whilst his affair is still ongoing. This is my problem. I try desperately hard to be part of his life, but there is this barrier there all the time because of the triangle of the affair.

As regards going into Plan B, as I said earlier, it isn't that easy for me as for other woman, because I am so dependent on my husband, being disabled. My daughter relies so much on him as well, for taking her to all the places a sixteen year old needs to go, and for doing all the things with her I can't do. She thinks the world of her dad, and I can't voluntarily choose to break up the family and put her through such turmoil just because of my own feelings.

My husband is in the position where he is so stressed out because of his affair - all the guilt, the chaotic life he is leading, as well as work problems etc, he says he would have a nervous breakdown if he gave up his OW! That's a new one on me - that a man needs to keep his affair going to support him because of all the stress having an affair is causing him!

But seriously, I just don't know what else to do to get my husband to give up his OW. We rarely seem to talk about this matter now - it is as if it is a taboo subject, because my husband gets so stressful if I mention it, hitting himself on the head with his fists and saying he wants to kill himself for what he is doing to me. It is really frightening. Therefore, because with my MS I need to keep as relaxed as possible, I tried to avoid conflict. I know this works very much in my husband's favour, but I honestly don't think he is deliberately using this to his advantage - there is no doubt he is in agony at what he is doing to me. But talk about fog! It must be the densest there has ever been. To be able to put the wife you say you love through all this, knowing it is making her condition much worse - I just can't figure it out.

Any help Red, or anyone, would be most welcome. I want to stay with my husband if at all possible - but need to get things on a different footing to where we are now. I know I am 'number one' in his life - he both says that, and shows it (because he spends a lot, lot less time with his OW than he does with me) - but still, this is not enough. I need to be THE ONLY ONE in my husband's life - and am at a loss how to help bring that about.

Thank you all for your prayers and support - I'm glad I have someone to turn to.

Stilltrusting

There is a BIG difference in “letting” someone do something and giving your permission to do something.

You really can’t stop him from seeing her, short of locking him in a closet (big lovebuster.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But telling him it’s okay to go see her is wrong in ANY book.

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