My wife fell in love with a man from another country while she was traveling. She feels this man is her soul mate. The affair is strongly EA but was (and still would be) a PA too. Since the man lives in another country, they cannot see each other. But Email, IM, Phone etc. are still available.

We are going to counseling and I am working to implement Plan A into our marriage right now. I can tell that I am fullfilling many of her needs right now (Companionship, Some Communication, Financial Stability etc.) but he is filling her needs of Attraction, Romance, Love etc. leaving nothing left for me. The counselor and I both agree she needs to let go of him 100% to give our marriage a shot and she is working on doing that but it is too hard for her to grasp at this moment. The counselor also believes that this situation was caused by her father's selfishness in her past and the counselor is trying to get her to understand that this guy is not the answer to her life - she is having a very difficult time understanding that because she says they are in love.

With the guy too far removed for PA, my situation is slightly different then some others, would anyone give me some recommendations about what to expect or how to implement Plan A? She will usually answer "I love you too" if I say that I love her. I've read SAA and the Q&A so feel prepared, but with it being impossible for her to even see the guy I dont know if that will make things better or worse. My bigges struggle right now is that she views me as a "good friend" and not a lover or husband. I don't want Plan A to push me further into the "friend" category but rather show that I can be an incredible lover to her if she will let me.

Any help, words, prayers, or advise is greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance everyone -

fromAbove,

Long distance R would never work ... LOL!, I had a theory a long time ago back in college since there are many foreing student with their gf/bf at home country. If you don't see your love one in one year, no matter what love you have it would deteriorated !. Back then it is only mail & phone ... no im or webcam yet. Yes, you plan A will work ! specially from your post, I don't see any rejection from her about you depositing LB$.

This is the basic concept of MB, in-love could be created as long as you are willing to do it (4 gifts of love) and she willing to accepted !. Sit back and fine tune your plan A ... be her best freind !. If you could handel it, even talk about OM !. Talk about it to find out information. Fillin her LB$ as much as you can. Remember also fillin ENs is not plan A !. Plan A is showing to her that you are capapble to change !. Fillin ENs as much as you can that is "the care" in 4 gifts of love. No LB is "the protect". I would also make sure that you spend enough time with her such as go to vacation alone with her.

You are in the right track ... however you have to put limit on this too. Set a goal and a time frame when you are going to review your situation again. You have to go to plan B to push her to the fence. When you do that she wouldn't know what is going to hit her.

I would not let her call OM from your home or making contact from your home. This is not unreasonable demand !. Just tell her you feel violated and you feel as if she brings a lover home and you would not do it to her either.

Do you have kids ? What are her complaint before D-day and after D-day about you ? ... those are your plan A list and you have to show change to her. Some of her complaint after d-day might be excuses/justifications you have to weed that out. I would not plan A too long, once you get acknowledgement from her about your actions and has no impact on her behavior ... you have to draft plan B and push her from her fence.

-rh-

redhat -

Thanks for the reply! I agree, I think the long distance factor will help in dissolving their relatoinship. But part of me thinks it helps add to the mystique of it. Since she can't be there with him to know the truth - her mind is stuck in a sort of dreamland where it would be exactly how it was if she went back. Since she can't learn the truth without going, she may never accept that she won't get to live in that dream land forever.

She doesn't reject anything that I do or completley shun me away. She isn't very affectionate (not surprised though) but I have hope that will change. I just hope she isn't 'putting up' with it in order to not hurt my feelings.

I'm scared of plan B, because that basically there can't be a plan B. The guy can't come here obviously, so if she goes there she is out in her dream world. Sure it may collapse in time, but she will be on a high from being gone from him and the country and she loves the language and culture so much she would put up with more then she would here. Also, she would want to have sex with him which means getting a divorce and marrying him so that it is "ok" in God's eyes for her to have sex with him - no, I dont understand it either.

Thankfully no kids, only 1 year into marriage, we are both 24 years old. The counselor keeps reminding us that this isn't about this other guy as much as it is about her past. I hope he can figure out what this need inside of her is and how I as her husband can fulfill it.

Sometimes I seem to get pegged as a bad guy or not affectionate etc. because this happened. But honestly, I am so good to her and am 10000x more affectionate the most men I know. I really hope to figure this out cause I'm dying to help restore our marriage!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fromAbove:
<strong>I'm scared of plan B, because that basically there can't be a plan B. The guy can't come here obviously, so if she goes there she is out in her dream world. Sure it may collapse in time, but she will be on a high from being gone from him and the country and she loves the language and culture so much she would put up with more then she would here. Also, she would want to have sex with him which means getting a divorce and marrying him so that it is "ok" in God's eyes for her to have sex with him - no, I dont understand it either.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep your taker from taking over and don't take her word personally. You are talking to her dream not her. I disagree with you about plan B, you have to do it if this plan A doesn't take impact. You will know when you have to do plan B unless you don't love yourself or you like being hurt. Not now, not yet but don't say never. It will come trust me.

For now be creative on plan A and filling her ENs. What are your origin ? and which country OM from ?. Try to learn about the culture & language of OM to understand WW more plus a LB$.

-rh-