I just discovered my spouse of 11 years has been have an affair with an old friend of his from 12 years ago. This other person just recently came into our lives in January when we met up with her and her husband. They had been to our house on two occasions and I just never clicked with them - as I found her quite brazen and just did not like her. Her husband never said much, he was quite the both times we have met - she was always the person who was loud and brazen. She is married and has 3 children. My husband and I have two very small boys. A little history, My husband lost his father and step mother tragically last year and we just moved to a new state to be closer to my and his family. He recently also found himself worried about his job with the airline indurstry and the posibility of being deployed with the war as he is also in the Naval Reserves. I believe the stress among our fighting over this friendship that I did not like has something to do with this as well. Over the last several months we had arguements over these two friends whom I did not like - anyhow, after much drama and arguing, a week before he was deployed he stated he filed for divorce and did not want to seek counseling or even try at the time this did not make much sense until I discovered his cell phone records and had him tailed by a P.I. - I discovered that this affair has been going on for about 2 months. I discovered he was meeting with her and having "an inappropriate relationship - nothing but touching, kissing as far as I have caught and what he continues to tell people", however, even after they were discovered they still continued to do so. My PI even contacted her husband to tell him and give him the video however, he said he was not interested? Baffled.....My husband was deployed 3 days after I found out and is still gone for the next 4 weeks. I am certain he is still in contact with this other women via email/phone as he has told me he is. He emails/calls our 5 yr old periodically but the content of the emails are very inappropriate for a 5 yr old, basically he states how much he loves my son and how he means the world to him,etc.....guilty feelings..???? anyway the only convesation my husband and I have had is before he left when I asked him why....he only stated that our marriage was already over in his mind and that she made him feel happy, he likes being with her, etc......No apologies, nothing else.....I love my husband and believe he is trying to escape the loss of his father, stepmother and plain old stress by being with this other woman. What I dont understand is how can something get so hot and heavy in under 2 months? and what do I do now?.......I certainly do not want a divorce.....and I believe he is so confused he does not know what he wants either (this info comes from friends who spoke to him 2 weeks prior to all this drama)....I have written him telling him my feelings about the divorce and for him but he does not even want to talk.......Any suggestions

trustme12,

Welcome to MB ... I know a lot of thing doesn't make sense right now but you have come to the right site. There are many of us would share our experience and give you support. I would call MB first thing Monday morning and get conseling with MB. It is much cheaper than what you had spend on PI and definitly cheaper than Dv. Please start with acronym links under my signature then Wat's quick guide to BS ... then follow General Welcome. Make sure you understand well the basic concept of MB.

Why so quick ?, it means that she hit the right ENs that you has missed.

My sugestions are ... leave him alone but notify OW's H. The A has to be exposed but don't go beyond exchanging info. you are prone to EA yourself right now. Read as much as you can about MB ... specially plan A !. Right away plan A, avoid LB and just take as much as he could give you and ... don' initiate talk about R.

-rh-

RH- My PI contacted the OW's H and he said he was not intrested in seeing any of the video/photos. Should I still send them via mail - not knowing who will get mail. OW and my H both told me and mutual friends that OW husband knows and OW is separated but living in same house. Who knows what the truth is considering the source.... Should I even bother? Also what to do when my H gets back, he already has an apt when he gets back- and will not be in our house, how do I even start A- possibly when he calls to speak w/my son or comes to pick him up?????Do I initiate conversations or wait for him to????So confused....

trustme12,

Forget about OW's H, your PI did you a favor already, an experienced PI. The purpose of telling OW's H is to let him know, no more and no less. Now, what to do ?. Learn MB as much as you can and as fast as possible. Don't worry about what tomorrow would bring, let alone 4 weeks from now. I suggest you get conseling from MB directly, we are here only giving our bias opinion based on our life experience and what we had learned. You might need a professional help. For now, you should think about what is his complaint about you in M before d-day and after d-day. Forget about "I don't love you no more stuff" but real complaint. Those are plan A to do. Don't chase H and don't talk R ... if he avoid you, let him. If he want to talk to you, don't initiate talk about R and avoid LB. Also find out what ENs that you have missed, ENs that OW is fillin, and ENs that you are fillin. Print out ENQ and fill one as if he fills it. Try to guess what is his top 5, the order it doesn't matter since you have to do them all.

How to plan A from far while WH don't want even to talk to you ? Leave WH alone but show your changes via your kids ... don't tell your kids what you are doing but they will pick your changes very quick and they will come to your WH's ears. also via your close freinds/relatives that still have contact with WH. BTW: Who else knows about this A other than the four of you ?. Close freinds and family ? What do they tell you ?

Get some rest, you need it in this 'coaster ride. -rh-

Rh-
Thanks for the reply will contact MB on Monday. All his friends/family now know about the A - that is why his is getting his own apt. Doesnt want to live with mom where he is getting advice he does not want to hear. Will try and do plan A any chance I get. When he calls should I initiate conversations about how he is doing, and that I care about him, etc...or just plain leave him alone for now until he returns?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trustme12:
<strong>When he calls should I initiate conversations about how he is doing, and that I care about him, etc...or just plain leave him alone for now until he returns?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could ask him anything including how is he doing, he is still your H but don't ever bring up A or R talk. (such as when he is going home etc) Let him bring it up.

-rh-