H had affair Dec-Mar 10 when he called the OW to tell her we were going to try and make a go of it. I caught him on the phone with her one day and then she called OUR home one night and hung up but I had gotten the call waiting and showed my husband. So he said he hasn't seen her or talked to her since. My problem is 2 Sat. with his odd jobs he comes home and I smell sweet perfume on his shirts.. He got furious when he saw me do that while he was showering. I can check all I want just don't let him see me do that again. So this Sat. I had his schedule and he called me from Lowe's he said, he picked something up for a customer..Couldn't show me the receipt. When he was late 20 min. after a game of my daughter's he said he got gas, couldn't show me the receipt. Plus he didn't answer my call on his cell phone when I got suspicous. He said it was in the truck. I was furious because I think I saw her car coming out of her road about that time I thought he was meeting her and I got the lights and lost her. You can imagine how I felt. Should I keep following HER to see if they meet, or should I just let whatever happens, happen........I'm just plain tired and so is he tired about me questioning him......

Lefty, I have just replied to your other message on the Emotional Needs forum, and no, I don't think you are paranoid. I think your husband is still involved with his OW, and his anger with you checking his things is a good sign of that. They all get resentful and angry over this sort of thing, because of all their guilt - they can't take it, so load it onto their spouse.

I do think, as I said in my other reply, that you should back off a bit and lie low. I think your H needs to come to terms himself and with what he is doing before he can deal with your questions. Yes, check on him as much as you need - but don't pressure him or confront him. You could just push him too far, and he could up and leave or anything. In my Hs. case, he starts using terrible language, hitting himself on the head with his fists and even smashing things when he feels under too much pressure.

Obviously you need to work towards your husband giving up his OW completely, and then helping get things right in your marriage, but I wouldn't make too big a thing of it at the moment. Take each day at a time. The fact is, most men do not give up their affairs when their wives want them to, and they carry on lying. My husband - once the most honest and truthful person I had ever known - has become a highly skilled and practiced liar, purely because, in his deluded addiction to his OW, he is terrified of giving her up - like a cocaine addict or an alcoholic.

You've got to give them a bit of space - not too much or you will seem to be enabling and condoning their despicable behaviour. But time is on your side, and I honestly think your best bet is to not let your husband see you are following him around and checking up on him. However, you have a right to know the truth, so ask him calmly to please tell you if his affair is still going on, and that if it is, you will give him some time to sort himself out, but that you insist that in the not too distant future, he gives up his OW and starts telling you the truth. You are obviously living in a state of great instability because you can never believe your H, and you need to get back a normal relationship with him ASAP.

However, I think the best way of doing that is to wait till he is a bit more ready and able to cope with things.

Hope all goes well.

Stilltrusting