I gave my husband a note that I intended to put in his suitcase before a business trip tomorrow. He read it. I said things in the letter like I will wait for him to sort out his head, that I am sorry for contributing to his feelings of loniless and low self esteem and unlove. I did not do this intentionally as I do love him. I told him that it did not take 4 months for him to get this point and it will take a while for us to feel sorted out in any respect. He virtually broked down in tears. He said some days he has it figured out and others he doesnt. He says he thinks about this 24/7 and doesnt know what he wants. I asked him if he need to get away and think and he said sometimes he thinks he does and other times he is not sure. Talk about a confused man. He said he does not feel pressured by me righ now. He let me hold him while he cried and for a whilte when we woke up this morning. He is really hurting (but so am I). I gave him the EN questionarre and I think he will take it with him on his trip. He says he is hinding nothing else from me, and it is all I can do to trust him. Is this a good sign or not. Him being so confused makes me a little nervous that he will pick a life without me and his daughter. From my point of view he has a great life. I think he is depressed right now and so I will just keep showing him the love. (still have not engaged in sex since D-day 27/03). I think he felt it this morning but did jumped out of bed to make me breakfast and coffee instead. He has litterally been sobbing.

I am going to go for my long run this morning(training for marathon- good stress reliever). I have to run 32 km. (25 miles for you in the US). Any input at this stage would be helpful for me.

stated,

You did good. Focus on your plan A and that letter (plan A letter) will go a long way. Suggest to him to take AD medication, he might need it. Also let him know about this website and even buy him SAA. You have to fillin all of his ENs, guess if you have to by fillin one as if he did it. It is good to compare it when he give you his. Also fillin LBQ, just to cover all basis.

Invite him to post here if he has any questions and need supports.

-rh-

Thanks Redhat. - I did give him the questionarre (EN). I am filling one out too. I just went for my long run and was gone for about 4 hours. I came back and he was asleep on the counch, still in his bathrobe. He just got up and took a shower, shaved and went to wash his care and go to the drug store (he is going away on business tomorrow). He is still crying when he asked me if our daughter was going to be home for dinner. I think he is really remorseful right now and depressed. I will broach the issue od AD when he gets back on Wednesday evening. Maybe he will have a better grip on things when he gets back. I actually feel sorry for him. I have felt this way for 2 weeks now. He is just finally breaking down. I have written another note I plan to put into his suitcase - small poen about missing him while he is away. He said he did not feel I was pressuring him when we spoke this morning. I guess I can just be loving and show that I care and wait and seen. His crying is really something though.

Anybody have an input here??

Thanks
Thanks
An

Excuse all the spelling issues in the above note, sorry guys, I didnt edit it before. I guess after running 32 kilometers (25 miles your brain is mush).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stated:
<strong>He is just finally breaking down. I have written another note I plan to put into his suitcase - small poen about missing him while he is away. He said he did not feel I was pressuring him when we spoke this morning. I guess I can just be loving and show that I care and wait and seen. His crying is really something though.

Anybody have an input here??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeap, he needs as much support as you can give him. Show him through your actions ... small things go very far. This is slow moving forum plus today is Sunday ... not many MBer here yet. You will get more inputs by tomorrow.

-rh-

WELL - Husband left for his business trip this morning. He "forgot to leave me his iternery", he was sooo depressed yesterday, but I will call his work and have them fax me one anyway. He said he would call me when he landed. I will keep an eye on the airport departures and arrivals anyway, I have my ways. I left him another note in his suitcase with a poem, telling him that I would miss him. The next three days are going to be hell for me, him not being here, but maybe it will take some tension off the situation for a bit as well. I will just keep busy. He was not crying this morning but he looked like sh&t. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, any advice on the above from yesterday will help me, thanks Redhat for your input, anyone else.

How do you look today? Take care of yourself, treat yourself to something nice. You need to reward yourself for handling things so well. As ridiculous as this sounds, don't dwell on him. You said it yourself, get busy. Feeling sorry for the way things are never solved thing one. You are on the right road. So don't fret. wflower

Actually, I feel pretty good this morning, I dont have to worry about what is going to happen after work between us because he wont be here. I checked his flight info this morning and he told the truth about what time his flight left. I will be busy tonight taking my daughter to hockey and then will come home and do some more reading, fill out my EN questionare. He took his with him by the looks of things. It is gone from his night stand. I will wait until Thursday to ask him if he wants to discuss it at all or just take it to the MC on the 24th. I hope he come back from this trip feeling a little better about himself and us. We will see. I cant dwell on this for the next three days. He was so depressed and sobbing yesterday it was terrible. Anyway. the sun is shinning today and it is going to be warm. Maybe starting some gardening will help me as well.

Thanks for all and anymore input your guys are lifesavers to me over the last 2.4 weeks.

Great plan. Today is a beautiful day, think that I need to get out in the fresh air as well. Have a terrific day. wflower

Well my day was going well. I still have not heard from my H. He told me he would call when he landed. I know he is probably busy but he should have called by now. Is it okay for me to call him. I thought even e-mailing him, as he has one of those small blackberry things. I am not sure if I should call him first without it seeming like I am check up on him. The time zone is about 4 hours behind mine where he went. His flight did leave on time, I checked this out this morning. I did not get an iternary though. I am not going to dwell on that at the moment. Do you think he will feel threatened or pressured if I call him?? I did leave him a note in his suitcase this morning telling him I will miss him when he is gone.

Someone answer my question please, I need to know that I am not doing the wrong thing with this plan A by checking in with him.

Do you know who he is with? I think that would be helpful. Part of the problem I have is that I do not know the people in my S's company very well. Just what he tells me. I have tried to make a little more effort in that area. I do not see harm in calling him. He should call you and be understanding as to how you must be feeling. If you had a good contact person in his company then you could get more info. In my case I have found out more than I expected from company people. But still not enough. He has been clever. Still, you can not disguise the fox in sheeps's clothing ...I just want to keep my family from falling apart and get my marriage sane and trusting. I still do believe. I need support and writing here helps. How are you today.

Thanks wlflower - I am not feeling as great as yesterday, felt like puking this morning and actually gagged over the toilet, I think it is just a lack of food on my part. Anyway, I call his company yesterday (before I read your post) and someone answered his line. I said I wanted to leave him a voice mail as he was out of town, the guy assured me yes he is out of town in Calgary, (Cananda). I then phone my husband's cell phone and he did not pick up (he was on a call). He called me back about 15 minutes later. We talked about what he had been doing. I do not know who is with him, but I plan on finding out. He says OW does not live in this country (I think the US??) but I am not too sure I believe all this. Anyway, I have started writting in a journal, written 4 pages already. I also filled out my EN questionare yesterday and LB one too. I plan on letting him read this if he wants when he gets home. He sounded really tired yesterday. He said he would call me again today. I have checked his credit card actitivty and so far, nothing unusual. His cell phone bill went down considerably over the last month as well, maybe that is a good sign. Anyway, I think I am little more on edge today. I am trying to be nice and strong but it is so hard. He has not said he loves me in 2 weeks. He says it all the time usually, after every phone conversation. He has not so much as uttered this. It makes me feel bad. I have continued saying this to him. It is all I can do. Thanks for listening and responding to me, it really helps to hear from others at this time.

I hear what you are saying. I would not call him, he needs to call you and let you know all the things he knows that you need. He is in a foggy place but you don't have to go there. Try to separate yourself from the emotion of it.

What is your plan for the day? Make yourself an Ideal day, do something fun, get outside, have your nails done or your hair. Play! I bought a puppy, (you might not want to go that far). He chews up shoes and things. But anything is worth it to keep you from going stir crazy.

Say a prayer and only think positive things. If you catch yourself thinking otherwise, STOP, get back on the positive! It is an exercise. God be with you.

WELL - He was true to his word yesterday and actually called me this morning, about 20 mintues ago. He sounded like crap (maybe had been crying or something). Anyway I told him how the weather was here (beautiful), asked him what he was up to today and what he was doing for work. He asked about our daughter and I said she was great. The conversation was okay, not long enough though I dont want to ask him his thoughts or feelings over the phone, so far away. He did not say anything about the card I left him in his suitcase. Probably upset him. Anyway, I have made an appointment to get my hair done on Thursday (color and cut), I painted my nails last night and plan on going to my running group meeting tonight. He still did not say I love you when we hung up, I did though. Does he feel guilty saying this after the A, anybody know?? I told him about our schedule for the weekend, he asked- daughter is in a hockey tournamet. He asked how her practice went last night. I only spoke of positve things. I told him she was great this morning and she had a good practice and that the weather was beautiful etc.

Anyway, thanks for any input on the " I love you" thing.

Does he love you? He is in the fog. A nightmare come true. I think he can come out of the fog when he gets himself out. After WS's have an A, they go through withdrawal, hopefully! Meaning that they gave up the OW. So, right now he feels goofed up. He did it to himself, but you are being mature by not doing LB's and taking care of yourself and your daughter. He has to learn something new. You can help him if he wants. You are learning a better way. Be patient trust God Hard as it is don't push just show him that you are available for him. I just think that if a husband genuinely understands what he will be missing if he loses you, he will stop. He will turn back to you and let go of the illy begun thing. But immaturity, which is at all ages especially among the older ages, makes it tough. They try to defend the wrong doing. In fact don't children have an easier time of honesty and love. wflower

Your right - kids are brutely honest. I have not talked to him (h) again today and quite frankly am really tired of this whole ordeal right now, my head constantly pounds and I have lost about 10 lbs already. I think will leave him alone today, let him think. He is due home tomorrow and maybe will be in a bit of better frame of mind. I am not giving up on Plan A, dont get me wrong, just feel very tired today of trying so friggin hard, seems like I am the only one trying to save this marriage. I went and did a nice fast run and am heading for the shower. I am going to keep myself busy tonight by some cleaning, and cooking for my daughter (dinner) and running a few errands. I will get my daughter to call him though I think, maybe he needs to hear her voice as well as mine, he will miss out on her if he does not come to grips with reality soon. She still does not have a clue, and is going along happy go lucky in her teenage life. I envy her. Anyway, I will check back in the morning (it is 5:00 pm here right now and I am signing off the computer for the night). I have checked his AMEX bill about 4 times today and have stressed myself to the max about that. There are no new charges on it yet, he will need to use it for his business trip right now so I can tell what hotel he is staying at and if he is eating alone or not. Anyway, no news is good news I guess.

I will talk to you all tomorrow, I need some down time from this crap right now.

Well - husband is on his way home from his business trip. I called him today, he never called home. I have checked the flight status and he is on the plane he is supposed to be. He wont come home until really late (11"00 pm) I am not sure if I should wait up and welcome him home with open arms or get to sleep. I am feeling very anxious again, though the last two days he was gone were less stressful. I guess because I havent had to deal with all the turmoil . I have to put on my best plan A face again and get busy. Does anyone ever get tired of being the only one trying do dam hard, not knowing whether your WS is going to try whe the fog lifts. Are there any signs that the fog is starting to lift?? If so, please let me know so I can understand things better. I filled out my EN questionare and I will ask him over the next two days if he did his and if he wants to talk about it. I am fearful of rejection. We are going to counselling again next week and I hate this not knowing what is going on in his friggin head.

HELP

Stated -

Sounds like you're exhausted and heartsick, and both of those make a ton of sense right now. But remember, it's NOT YOUR FOG. It's your husband's.

I know you're sick and horrified and freaked out. So take care of yourself first, girl! What's the answer to "I am not sure if I should wait up and welcome him home with open arms or get to sleep."? Simple. Find things that take care of -you- that also, by happy coincidence, take care of him too.

Examples? Well, I can only give ones that I've used. I love a neat house. I'm tremendously happier and more at peace when the house is clean and orderly. My partner is like that too. So a couple of weeks ago, I got tired of the mess we'd been living in. (Most people probably would have thought the house looked slightly cluttered. For us, it was more like a major disaster area.) And I started cleaning. And cleaning. And cleaning! I'm not done yet, but gawd, what a difference for me.

And I planted flowers, which is one of my favorite things in the whole world. Again, something my partner likes, though I like them more.

And I've cooked good food for myself (that my partner happens to also get to eat and enjoy).

And a lot of it I do for me because I'm responsible for my own emotional state (something it took me a while to remember, I'll freely admit). I go for walks. I read books. I talk to friends on the phone.

I remembered, in the course of doing it all, that -I- have a good life, one that I really enjoy, even if my partner seems to have lost her mind.

That's a very important piece of information. I recommend looking for it. A bunch. It's right up there on the list with looking for how you contributed to the mess, and the things you can do to change and improve it.

Thanks for your advice J of HJK. I appreciate anything people reply to me with. I did actually fall asleep last night but heard him come home. He must not be in too much of a fog, he stayed up and watch the 3rd OT periods for the Toronto Maple Leaf Hockey Game.

Anyway, I woke up when he came to bed and asked him how his flight, etc was. He said fine. He kissed me goodnight and went to sleep. I got up this morning when he did (too friggin early) and said good bye to him with a hug and kiss. He accepted this. Good sign I guess. We are making plans to go to a really nice restuarant for dinner on Saturday night with 2 other couples. Anyway, I guess it is just a wait and see when the fog lifts kind of deal, I hate this not knowing what my future holds. I feel like I am this meek little woman waiting on her husband, I have never been so - alway the independant thinking, supporting woman. I know I have to surrender some of my thoughts and activities in order to help my marriage, it is not second nature to me that is for sure.

I am doing things for my self, I have an appt. to get my hair done this afternoon when I fininish work and I hope to get out for my 10 km. run - though it is friggin cold and windy here again (TOronto, Ont, Canada). I cant believe that next week it will be almost one month since D-day, wow do hours of desparation turn into months. It is scary. I know it is going to be 2, 3, 4, months and I will wonder what the hell? I have spoke to numerous friends, sister in laws about men and marriage in general, and guess what, I am not as alone as I thought. All marriages have problems. Some are never dealt with and end in divorce, some just keep simmering and others are just starting with the problems. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Anyway, so much for my rambling. "J" - I am also planning on doing some gardening on Saturaday as I love this hobbey as well, and so does my husband. My husband likes to cook on the weekends so I let him do this. Our 14-year-old daughter is in a big hockey tournament this weekend (one of the largest in the world) and so we will be busy with that as a family, with will be good I think. Anyway, take care of yourself and thanks for your input. Nice to hear from a man.

Err, well, actually, I'm a woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But that's okay. Sounds like you're doing well to take care of yourself. Keep at it! It's important to do, even when you feel icky.

You mentioned that your husband likes to cook on the weekend, so you "let him do it." What's up with that? You can't help? Was there once part of that that you enjoyed helping with? Way, way back when, did you chop stuff he asked you to chop? Clean up afterwards? How about asking him how he'd feel if you helped, even if you never have.

And if he says he wouldn't be comfortable, just nod and say you understand, and move on to something else you can find that you'll both enjoy doing.