I have read a lot of post here and it has helped me a lot. My H & I have been married 30 years in couple of months. Our life together has been very hard at times. We have lost both our parents and they had long heartbreaking illnesses that demanded a lot of our time. Mine mostly. We lived next door to my father until he passed. My H wanted to move numerous times and I would not because I promised my Mom I would take care of Dad and that is what I did. Sometimes I would be away at hospital for a week at a time. Our children were young at that time and my H would be left to take care of them. After my Dad passed we started looking for a house. We both love the mountains and found a somewhat secluded home on "our little mountain". All was well at first.

I have a problem with trusting people. I believe what they tell me without question. My son was a teenager & my H would insist that he was drinking & partying. I told him no way and we would argue. Well, guess what, it was true. Another thing about me is that I don't think people should have mistakes thrown up to them over & over & over. Well, H would do that to my son & we would argue. H started drinking more & gambling more. I would get very angry and he would promise to stop. Well, time goes by quickly and it seems that we just got into a rut and deeper in debt. That is when the A started I guess. I did not meet his E needs. Both our children were in sports and I was gone 3 to 5 evenings a week for their games. I kept thinking that they would be grown in a few years and I needed to share time with them now. H went to a game or 2 a year. I can see now that I tried to put our life on hold to support everyone else. Well, I guess I am paying a very high price for that now. Now you have a little background.

We talked Saturday and are going to try to work thru this. I know he loves me and I know I love him. I have written him several notes about how I feel. I also told him that I had been praying for a long time that God would make him stop drinking & gambling. I do feel God has answered my prayer. Now we have to go forward. I don't know how to get my H to talk. He answers any questions I have. Appolizes over & over and says I did nothing wrong it is all him. I did not have an A, but I did fail him.

My H went back to work today. I know that will be difficult for him. She is there although he doesn't see her everyday. I believe him when he says that he does not care for her.

I have not been out of my house since Thursday. I have not talked to anyone except H,D,S since Monday. I am going to try to go to work later today. Everytime I try to go outside I start having such difficulty breathing. Almost like a panic attack.

I am reading over my post and I am thinking....Do I have on blinders? Can we really work this out? Will I feel this way in a week?

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I have been married a long time too - 34 years this spring - and I found out in January that my husband had an 8 year affair with a friend of the family that ended 4 years ago. I am on paxil and anti-anxiety medication and I am having good days and bad days. I have read everything I can find but I too feel I will never be able to get over this. I did everything for him, sacrificed a lot so he could pursue his many interests and I am extremely hurt to find out he carried on with this woman for so long. That's an understatement! He thinks because it was over a long time ago that I should be able to get over it. He loves me and is putting up with a lot of verbal abuse (I know that's love busting) and just being wonderfully patient, saying he deserves it and will do anything to keep me. I suspected the affair in the beginning (when it was hot and heavy)and confronted him several times and he denied it and then there was a big change in him so I thought it was over. I now realize I was in denial and they were just seeing each other less often, maybe monthly. I have a lot of hate and anger right now and not much love, if any. Any advice for me? Will I be able to love him again if I use the methods recommended here? I have not read any posts that cite a long term relationship like this. I don't feel I did anything wrong. I lived my whole life to please him -maybe I just spoiled him too much.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Funny how we go from thinking ok this can work to how will this ever work again.

He called me about an hour after he got to work to tell me she came to him to see how he was since he hasn't worked in a week either. He said he told her to get **** away from him and never speak to him again. So he said he just wanted to tell me he loved me and that it was over....he would never speak to her again.

I thought I was ok to try to work but now the shaking and panic is back.

abc, have you looked into IC for yourself? I started this past week and have my second session on Good Friday, and I have to admit that I've been able to sleep peacefully for the first time since D-Day (2/7/03), and what I call my second D-Day (4/4/03). Sometimes, we need to work through our emotions (anger, grief, remorse, self-pity, "hatred," etc.) in a safe environment. I was amazed at the amount of deep-seated rage I harbored not only against H and OW's, but toward those individuals who helped H facilitate his cheating. I always pushed aside my anger due to my need to compartmentalize everything. A lot of this also had to do with my humiliation, sense of shame and not wanting anyone else to know.

I would strongly suggest that you get IC for yourself so that you can change and work on the one person you do have control over--YOU! It will also be important for you to get support from those who love you. The panic attacks can be addressed, as well. BTW--have you regained any semblance of appetite?

I have found that practicing deep belly breathing helps panic attacks. Slow deep breaths. It works for lots of problems.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I have no appetite at all. I could hold in one hand what I have eaten since Monday. I am going to try to call DR and ask for something to help me get enough control to try to funtion semi-normally. I cannot think about IC until I can walk out of my house without panic.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

ABC - your husband's actions sound a lot like mine. He is remorseful and apologizes and says it is all his fault and he takes all of the blame. But still it is hard for me to get to thestage of acceptance. Hanora - thanks for your advice. I have been keeping a journal and it does help. I also had two great vacations in February which also helped. Why did it last so long? Because it could I guess. I let him. I guess it is like Lucy always puling the football away - it is in their nature. I just found it hard to believe that two people could be so cruel so thought it was over but she was still around. Also she was 13 years younger and single. Sex was a big part I'm sure.

The panic rose when I started to go outside to go to work. I have tried over the day to go out but I just haven't been able to overcome it. I did call the DR and she is calling in a prescription for me. I can see that I am not strong enough to get back to a funtional state without help. I thought I was gaining control and within an hour I am back where I was days ago.

Thank you for this site as it has been my link to the outside world.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I took the medicine yesterday. First nights sleep I have had in over a week. Also, I ate a small bowl of soup. Today I am going to work. I do feel more under control.....we'll see what the day brings. Thanks to all of you for being here for me.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I made it thru the day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope tomorrow will bring the same. I can tell when med starts to wear off....the panic starts back....deep breathing and sense of loosing control. Maybe after being on meds for a few day I will get this under control with my own strength and can stop relying on meds. H & I are planning to go away for the weekend. Some time to ourselves.....think that is a good idea at this point?

I have not had any input in regards to a weekend away together. I don't know if that is what I need right now. I know he sees her at work and am trying very hard not to dwell on that. My thoughts about a few days alone is that we can maybe talk to one another without interruptions. I guess you all know that if things could be resolved in one discussion we wouldn't be here trying to figure what's the right move to make.

I just don't know about this weekend. H is sleeping in spare bedroom and I am very much self conscious of myself right now.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
ABC

If it's what you want to do then by all means a weekend away may be a good thing. If you are feeling awkward about intimacy, tell him. It is reasonable for you to still be a bit shaky. Being able to talk without interruptions is a good thing, but try not to make the whole weekend one long relationship talk - give yourselves time for some plain old enjoyment.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>