I accidentally posted on the wrong board, but I will simplify....

My husband, who I thought was trying to come back, was still playing his balancing act. I, once again, innocently fell for it. Each time I do, I feel like I'm taking another step backward. I cannot believe this man has fell out of love with me so suddenly and cannot reawake his feelings. He told me that he cannot get the OW "out of his mind". I'm crushed. He says, "I'm confused and the decision to get her out of his life is not an easy one." Then he wonders why I'm so incesed with his behavior. Do you believe Plan B should now go into effect. I learned of his affair, thru the OW, in November, but it has been going on about two months prior. Should I give up? I truly believe that he loves her more and she is his sould mate. Why wouldn't he choose me and the children over her if he didn't love her?

Karena -

Plan B is not giving up. Plan B is, it seems to me, about taking care of yourself when you can't give anymore. It's not about being angry or doing something to punish your wayward spouse, but about loving yourself enough to know when you're in too deep.

Think of it the way they teach lifeguards to think: If you're not okay, how in the world can you help the person who's in trouble?

And try not to do it without thinking it through and -really- understanding it. It's incredibly hard. But try. You'll know when it's right to do it.

I know it is not giving up J...but it feels so hopeless at the moment. We've been at this constant tug-o-war that we really do not know how to behave when not engaged. It is so very unsettling. I know that I will have to set rule, parameters and boundaries, however, I allow my heart to get in the way and answer his phone calls and see him when he asks....he knows how to reach me and I fall for it every time. I guess what I am really asking is how to cope with Plan B? How to I focus on other things when I feel so down? Everyone has been commenting that six months in this "funk" is way too long and that I have to get myself together...it just feels so darn bad all of the time, it seems utterly hopeless.

I know exactly where you are. The way my H expresses his feelings for the OW and the times that he has come back home, only to re-establish contact with her has been so painful. I even had a baby in the midst of this mess and that didn't turn him around. HOWEVER, he still says he loves me, etc. I kept letting him in and he kept maintaining contact with her. I figured he must love her so much more than me that I had no choice but to give up.

Then I went to my IC who had been our MC once the A was discovered. She said that the relationship between H and OW was not "an important one" that the central figure is me and that my H has fallen into a pursuer/distancer pattern with me. He can neither be fully with me or away from me now. Thus, he senses when I've given up and he'll come back to pull me in, but as soon as I get pulled in - he's off to the OW.

I have a really hard time believing that the OW is not important (he says he loves her, hasn't been able to maintain NC, says they're a great couple, she cares so much for him, etc.) but therapist says the problem is in H's head not so much because of OW (she provides a place for him to run to).

The long and short of it is that my IC said that it WILL NOT WORK the way it was playing out and that I must detatch myself emotionally from him and begin to build a life for myself. I read that as Plan B (a true Plan B). So that's what I've done. It has really helped but I think you have to be ready for it. I seriously couldn't take the cake eating (hanging out with me and the kids during the week - disappearing with OW on the weekend) and the feelings of being used any more. I had to really be firm (almost to the point of being mean) to keep him from coming around i.e. "you're not welcome here any more." It's tough because I am essentially telling him to go to the OW and he has - but eventually OW will not be enough - or maybe she will be - but if that's the case it would have happened any way and I am that much further on my way to personal recovery.

I'm not in a position to give you advice but I will say from experience that while Plan B feels strange especially if you've been doing Plan A it eventually gets easier and feels better. It gives you some strength and the facts of the OW and the A are not in your face. It also gives you a little time to start seeing things clearly. Like you, people were telling me "time's up for him" but really only you can decide that. Plan B is good step to take if you feel like you can't take it anymore. Really, what do you have to lose - he's seeing the OW any way.

My best to you.

DueinJan....thank you, thank you. Your advice, not to mention insight into your very own relationship was extremely helpful. It is absolutely devastating, the entire A, but I'm over that. What WS does not understand is why I react to his not being "home" while trying to work it out or why his lack of "committment" makes me act the way I do. I had to, as much as it killed me, rescind the invitation to share Easter Dinner with my family and extended family. He sounded sad, but I know he has somewhere else to go. He wants his cake and eat it too, but I've just about fed up with the indecision. Everyone, and I mean everyone that I know has been so helpful to me, complimentary telling me things that I want and need to hear, however, his presence is extremely difficult to me. I hope I did the right thing...

Karena,

I'm curious about your situation - what's your story with you and H? 1st A? when? children? etc. What have you decided about your Plan B?

As you can see by my signature line I had several failed Plan B attempts. I would try to keep him at bay but would end up spending time with him (it's a tricky balancing act when you have children). I've been in a true Plan B for a couple of weeks now (I see him daily due to son but "we" don't have a relationship in my mind and actions anymore) and I have to say that I am starting to feel really good for the first time in 8 mths. H, on the other hand, (after a short period of looking happy) is now looking really depressed.

Karena,

I posted some replies to you over on the Just Found Out Board. You might find them helpful.

all the best,

C