SC: I asked the Plan A question of Cerri, a poster on the JFO forum that is also a marriage coach. Her reference to the "watch Oprah homework" is her common assignment of watching three Oprah shows, and paying attention to how Oprah asks questions of guest to come to a better understanding of what they are saying.
Anyway, this is my question and her reply:
quote:
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Originally posted by johnh39:
C: Have you got anything stored away in your archives that elaborate on how to do Plan A? the JFO poster Seacoast in the post "Help! I'm losing her!" could use some advice... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I do a Plan A with someone we talk first and foremost about LBers. There is NO point in meeting needs if you're emptying the bank as faster (or faster!) than you're filling it. Also, I think that meeting needs without addressing LBers head on is more detrimental than helpful. Especially when it's the wife who is in w/d or having the A, it sets up the Yo-Yo Syndrome which is the beginning of a slow and painful marital death.
So, we talk about LBers, and usually after one phone session or a few emails I have a pretty good idea if there are control (DD&A) things going on. I have them read LBers if possible and send me their answers to the questions at the end of the chapters. Then we talk about those things and how a spouse will perceive them differently than the one acting them out.
From there (almost at the same time but with the emphasis that the hurting has to stop) we go to meeting needs. Generally there isn't a good way to find out what the spouse's needs are, so we either take the standard male or female needs or we make an educated guess.
For husbands, I put LOTS (picture billboard size letters there) of emphasis on conversation. Not only because it's an EN, but because it's going to be the pathway back to connection. So it has to be safe, (and that includes not feeling blown off or ignored) fun, interactive, engaged, participative, etc. (I'm collecting conversational adjectives if anyone wants to contribute, BTW)
I give the 'watch Oprah' homework that I posted to P a couple weeks ago, and some other similar assignments and then ask that they report to me how implementing those skills makes a difference. (without fail they all tell me that they had no idea what bad conversationalists they were and that just a few little changes makes a big difference)
For more event oriented stuff I simply have them make a list and put it in their calendar. Phone calls, emails, cards, dinners, kid activities, stuff like that.
Helpful?
