Ugh. My WW has ceased most contact w/OM except for some brief hi/bye encounters at their work. She always let's me know where she's at (although she doesn't like it - feels trapped/controlled by doing it but does it anyway).

In follow-up with her friends/family, her comments seem to indicate a repentant attitude.

But the problem is, she seems complacent to go back to the way things were ... which honestly weren't that bad for her. I don't believe I drove her to have an affair. We are also currently dealing with a murder in my family which I feel has played a large part in it all. All the stress from it.

But I'm not happy with the way things were/are ... I need things to change because I can still tell she doesn't feel any romantic love for me. And mine has died as well. Who wants to live like that? She doesn't, I know, but she wants to forget it all and move on. And bringing it up causes some serious anger issues for her.

When I confronted her with the last time she made contact with OM ... 6 wks ago? ... she got very angry and told me we'll have to 'start over' again on working on the Harley methods. :\

Anyway, she seems to respond positively as long as I'm in full-blown Plan A, but isn't taking enough initiative herself to work on things (she does take some). Would you call this the beginning of recovery?

Do I just keep on Plan A'ing? What's reasonable to expect from her? My resentment continues to grow as I sacrifice while she settles back down into her previous life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Zaed

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Zaed ]</small>

Your W is still in the fog because she still hasn't acknowledged the harm her A has done to you. Hopefully, that will change IF she manages to remain contact free of OM. In the meantime, avoid ALL love busters.

A true recovery is one where BOTH are committed to following a marital recovery plan a la MB. Are you two following Harley's Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair? If you aren't then I wouldn't call it recovery. Don't try to force her to follow them, but do follow them yourself and hopefully she too will join you.

I would advise you to contact Steve or Jennifer Harley, and Penny Tuppi (from savethemarriagecentral.com) to help you formulate a plan of action.

Ditto Coffeeman ... unless there is a commitment you are kidding yourself if you put yourself in the recovery category.

-rh-

Well, she has committed as far as I can tell ... She has promised not to call or try to see him in any way. What qualifies as a commitment?

I guess the part I'm unsure about is how she's dealing with the idea of going through the 'program'. She's not too excited about that ... kind of makes her angry. She wants to pick up and go on where we left off basically, because she says we had a good marriage. But she lost her 'desire' for me.

I'm wondering if she's balking at trying to restore romantic love to our marriage because if we were successful, that would destroy any lingering thoughts of justification for her actions on her part ... it would be a final way of saying 'I was just completely selfish and immoral'.

Any ideas?

Zaed

ps - thanks for humoring me, guys, you've both been very helpful to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zaed:
<strong>I'm wondering if she's balking at trying to restore romantic love to our marriage because if we were successful, that would destroy any lingering thoughts of justification for her actions on her part ... it would be a final way of saying 'I was just completely selfish and immoral'.

Any ideas?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You answer your own question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... You are not in recovery ... you are still in plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Until she is committed to work on M you have to be in plan A. It is very hard when she doesn't want you to fillin ENs that had been vacated by OM. Sorry, A is ended but she is in witdrawal. She reacted the hurt by rejecting you ... it would be cheating to OM, would it be ?. Be very patience and make sure A is totall ended. Some WW falls for 2nd OM ... just look at J.R.'s. You might have to do plan B to shake her up. Again use this opportunity to review plan A.

-rh-