I'M NEW HERE, BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING A LOT OF READING (OTHER POSTS). I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN, GUESS I JUST NEED SOME ADVICE.MY D-DAY WAS JAN. 30, 2003,I HAD SUSPECTED MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, I CONFRONTED HIM, HE DIDN'T CONFESS OR DENY IT, HE MADE AN EXCUSE THAT HE HAD A MEETING TO GO TO, BUT NEVER CAME BACK HOME. WE HAVE GONE THRU HIM COMING HOME FOR A WEEK THEN HE LEAVES AGAIN,I HAVE CAUGHT HIM AT OW'S HOUSE.MY DAUGHTERS AND I STARTED BACK TO CHURCH ABOUT A MONTH AGO,AT THAT TIME HE WOULDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT GOING WITH US,BUT THE LAST 2 WEEKS HE HAS CAME BY AND WE HAVE ALL GONE TO CHURCH TOGETHER,HE IS TALKING ABOUT COMING BACK HOME. HE HAS AGREED TO GO TO COUNSELING.I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO PLAN A,BUT SOMETIMES IT IS SO HARD,ALL THE LIES AND HURT, I'M JUST NOT SURE I CAN TRUST HIM THIS TIME,HE HAS COME HOME AND LEFT 5 TIMES DURING THIS,AND HE HAS ALWAYS SAID HE LOVES ME . BUT I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IN HIM IS CHANGING,HE TOLD ME THAT IT IS OVER WITH THE OW,AND THAT AFTER CHURCH SUNDAY THAT WE COULD TALK AND I COULD ASK HIM ANYTHING. HE HAS TOLD ME THAT IT WAS OVER WITH HER BEFORE, AND IT WASN'T BUT HE HAS NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED DURING HIS AFFAIR.I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG,AND I'M PROBABLY RAMBLING,BUT I GUESS I'M JUST HOPING FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE RESENTMENT AND ANGER AND HURT? I HAD PREVIOUSLY FOUND A LETTER HE WROTE OW,TELLING HER HOW MUCH HE LOVED HER,ETC.I FOUND THIS THE DAY I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL AFTER HAVING SURGERY.I KNOW THE ONLY REASON HE CAME HOME THEN WAS BECAUSE I WAS SICK,SHE CALLED CONSTANTLY LEAVING MESSAGES ON THE CELL PHONE, TELING HOW MUCH SHE WANTED HIM AND LOVED HIM, I LOVE MY HUSBAND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS,AND HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS, BUT HOW DO YOU GET OW'S VOICE TELLING YOU SHE LOVES YOUR HUSBAND OUT OF YOUR HEAD? HOW DO YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU CAN TRUST WHAT YOU FEEL AGAIN? I BELIEVED HIM ALL THE OTHER TIMES HE SAID IT WAS OVER,I GUESS THIS TIME I'M SCARED,AM I JUST GRASPING AT STRAWS, OR COULD HE REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME? THANKS FOR ANY ADVICE. JUST BEING HERE READING YOUR POSTS HAS HELPED A LOT

Dear lissy, welcome to MB. I assume you read already Basic Concept and General Welcome if you have not please read it. Since you are a BS please read Wat's Quick Guide to BS. This is a very confusing and hardest time in your life but we survive and thrive regardless the outcome of our M. You can too. Make sure you read Missapplication of plan A by Distress to diffrentiate between enabling and trying to save M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lissy:
<strong>HOW DO YOU GET OW'S VOICE TELLING YOU SHE LOVES YOUR HUSBAND OUT OF YOUR HEAD?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know that OW loved your H ?. I hope your H do the right thing letting you know today about his A with radical honesty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>HOW DO YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU CAN TRUST WHAT YOU FEEL AGAIN?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is earned not given. You have to tell him how you feel and let him to earn it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'M SCARED,AM I JUST GRASPING AT STRAWS, OR COULD HE REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time will tell. You probably already get the hint by the end of day.

-rh-

THANK YOU. I HAVE READ THE ARTICLES, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS ALONE,IT HELPS TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS GOING THRU THIS ALSO.

Lissy,
OW has told me twice now she loves my Ex-H. it hurts. Bad. I know. But I have to tell you- it almost sounds ridiculous. I don't know how long your H has known OW, but my ex and his OW just met in July, and I KNOW that love does not start by having an affair and ruining 2 marriages, and her losing her son, and them having a OC in August that they don't know what to do with....She may say she loves your H but you have to realize she is in a FOG just as your H is- it is NOT love, it is lust.....based on fantasy and not reality. I hate to tell you, but you will probably hear a lot more of crap that you will want to put out of your mind. I don't know if you are a Christian but that has been my main strength. Getting into the Bible and seeing that God really will overcome evil!!
John 16:33- I have told you these things so that in Me you will have peace. In this world you will have TROUBLE, but take heart! I have overcome the world.
Right now you are in a blur I am sure- I know, believe me, but you WILL get through this and you WILL be stronger. Don't make the biggest mistake I did, and be a wimp- you can be nice and be non-LBing, but still have self-respect and stand your ground on what you expect from your marriage.

lissy,

A bunch of us here ... just look at your member#. We are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You have not answer my question. How do you know OW loves you WH ?
-rh-

Lissy,

My husband and I survived our affair! It has been over 4 years since my d-day. We went thru some of the similar things you are going thru. He moved out for 3 months and continued a relationship with the OW for several months even after we reconciled (I'll spare the details, but it was a net-affair that turned physical when he flew across the country to meet her so the continued contact was via email). I haven't been back to MB in over 3 years now, but I felt like maybe I could offer some hope and maybe a little helpful advice now that I have learned so much from our experiences. I can tell you that this site can help - especially if you both work together. It sounds like he may be willing if he is joining you at church. Lots of prayer and telling yourself that you can make it thru this will help to begin with. Stay strong for your girls. Read the articles on how to survive - I promise they can help!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!! SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY. ABOUT THE OW LOVING MY HUSBAND, ONE OF THE TIMES HE CAME BACK HOME, SHE CALLED AND LEFT MANY MESSAGES ON HIS CELL PHONE TELLING HIM SHE LOVED HIM AND WANTED HIM.I FOUND A LETTER HE WAS WRITING HER, HE TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE,AND HE WOULD NEVER BE UNFAITHFUL TO HER,ETC. HE HAS LIED SO MUCH THAT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVE. HE HASN'T COME BACK HOME BUT HE TELLS ME ITS OVER WITH OW,HE SAYS HE FEELS GUILTY AND IS NOT READY TO "FACE ME" YET,THAT HE HAS TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE HIMSELF, SHOULD I BELIEVE THIS OR IS THIS JUST MORE B.S.? I AM A CHRISTIAN, ALTHOUGH WE HAD BEEN AWAY FROM OUR CHURCH FOR A LONG TIME,MY GIRLS AND I STARTED BACK ABOUT 5 WEEKS AGO.GOD HAS BEEN MY STRENGTH THRU THIS ALL, I COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT HIM. WHAT DID YOU DO ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN? WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM? MY OLDEST IS 13 AND MY YOUNGEST IS 6. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER KNOWS ABOUT WHAT HER FATHER HAS DONE, I DID NOT TELL HER,SHE HAD A FRIEND THAT HAD SEEN HER DAD AND THE OW TOGETHER HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING AND SHE TOLD MY DAUGHTER, WHEN MY D ASKED ME ABOUT IT I TOLD HER THE TRUTH,AND THAT HER FATHER HAD LOST HIS WAY WITH THE LORD AND WE HAD TO PRAY FOR HIM AND LET GOD HANDLE THIS. SOUNDS GOOD BUT IT IS SO HARD TO DO. HOW DO YOU HELP THE KIDS DEAL WITH THIS? MY YOUNGEST IS HAVING TANTRUMS OVER EVERY LITTLE THING,AND FOR A LONG TIME MY OLDEST D WOULDN'T COME OUT OF HER ROOM.DO THEY(WS) NOT EVEN REALIZE THAT NOT ONLY HAVE THEY BETRAYED US, BUT THEIR CHILDREN AS WELL? THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE,THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO ANYBODY, I HAVE NO ONE HERE AT HOME THAT I CAN TALK TO.

Lissy,

Welcome to MB. Can I make a few suggestions? Your posts would be much easier to read if they weren't in all caps and broken into smaller paragraphs.

Please read the recommended info here (concepts and books), then let us know how you are doing. MB is a great place to post but you can get added benefit by counseling and reading. There is phone counseling available with Steve or Jennifer here at MB or you can get a local MC.

Read the books and take the emotional needs questionnaire with you and your H or just you by yourself.

Healing with take a while. You have yet to identify any causes for the A.

You are in a better position than many here since your H is home. It may still have it's down times and if you read the info here, you can be better prepared.

As for the OW, well realize that she is just a needy selfish person one that you don't want around your children. Your H is going to have to learn how to separate himself from such a dangerous person. Give him that time to do so.

Read up on plan A and put it to work.

take care.
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lissy:
<strong>ABOUT THE OW LOVING MY HUSBAND, ONE OF THE TIMES HE CAME BACK HOME, SHE CALLED AND LEFT MANY MESSAGES ON HIS CELL PHONE TELLING HIM SHE LOVED HIM AND WANTED HIM.I FOUND A LETTER HE WAS WRITING HER, HE TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE,AND HE WOULD NEVER BE UNFAITHFUL TO HER,ETC. HE HAS LIED SO MUCH THAT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVE.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you ever think that she left it for you not H to listen ?. She will say anything to get to your H and he will say anything to get to her panties ...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>HE HASN'T COME BACK HOME BUT HE TELLS ME ITS OVER WITH OW,HE SAYS HE FEELS GUILTY AND IS NOT READY TO "FACE ME" YET,THAT HE HAS TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE HIMSELF, SHOULD I BELIEVE THIS OR IS THIS JUST MORE B.S.?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wait ... let him prove it to you. Take it with a grain of salt. You have to match his words and actions. Next communication, ask him if he is willing to go to counseling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>WHAT DID YOU DO ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They know already, you have to tell them the truth but water it down according to their age, specially the young one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>HOW DO YOU HELP THE KIDS DEAL WITH THIS? MY YOUNGEST IS HAVING TANTRUMS OVER EVERY LITTLE THING,AND FOR A LONG TIME MY OLDEST D WOULDN'T COME OUT OF HER ROOM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell your young one to be the man of the house 'till his father is back and he better behave like one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . For your young D, you need to get conseling for her if possible ... talk with the pastor of the church. In my church we have counseling ministry ... many of us are in training to become layman counseler. Tell her H is still their father no matter what, and you still beleive in the purpose of M and you are learning how to care & protect your M. Read Private Lies, p263, what will the children think ?, "Classically, they either become promiscuous and get themselves or someone else pregnant, or they render themselves sexually undesireable by gaining weight or loosing weight, neglecting their hygiene, and dress unappealingly." The last two symptoms shows up in my oldest D.

-rh-