I've been in Plan A for several months now. Yesterday, my WW switched out her wedding ring/engagement ring with an engagement ring her grandmother gave to her. I have a real problem with this because when I found out about her EA/PA almost a year ago, I noticed that she would switch her rings off and on. I interpreted this as she would wear the other ring whenever she was seeing the OM. Now she is still doing this although she claims that nothing is going on and she says that her grandmother's ring has sentimental value to her. But what about my ring?!!?? It cost me a fortune for a 1 carat diamond ring and it means a lot to me when I see it on her and it displays her commitment to me and our marriage. Do other women see this as not anything to be upset over? Am I wrong for feeling upset about her wearing my ring that I gave to her? Should this raise a red flag that she might still be seeing OM? Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Keeper,

9 out of 10, BS's gut feeling is correct. Specially if she knows that it would hurt you. Now this is the time to review your plan A !, plan A is not a doormat but to show that you are changed or capable of change. Your plan A should based on her complaint about you in M. Does she open for you to fillin her ENs or she rejects you outright ?. I assumed that you brought the issue up and she is still justifying not wearing the ring. Don't push it any further and do your homework about OM and snoop !.

-rh-

Thanks, RedHat for the gut check. But, I'm getting mixed signals. She is open to me fillin' her EN's but I don't feel that she's meeting mine nor does it seem that she is making a serious effort. We've already done the EN questionarre together but it doesn't seem to stick with her. I continue to think that she "wants her cake and eat it too" and I refuse to subject myself to this kind of treatment. These last few months has drained every ounce of emotional and mental energy from me and I'm seriously considering going to Plan B. I thought that I would see some positive changes from her by now. If I Plan B, I feel that it will be short-lived followed by divorce.

Keeper,

I have more questions for you. What did you contribute that lead to this mess ? When she claimed A had ended ?. Are you in separation right now, living separately ?. I saw that she filed separation, I don't think she could do that since there is min. stay in CA & some county before you could file. Do have at least 15 hours undivided contact with her ?, Do you do all the plan A and does she acknowledge your changes ?. How long have she started to allow you to fillin her ENs, all top five w/o rejections ? What did MC say about her latest conduct ?

Sorry so many questions ... it seems easy to finish it of & both of you have no kids but I think you want it to be sure too.

One more, for curiosity... Where are you in CA ?, I am at the bay area, peninsula to be exact.

-rh-

Red,

I'll answer the easiest one first: We live in San Diego. As for your other questions, I'll answer them as best as I can:

"What did you contribute that lead to this mess ?"
I can honestly say that I've had my fair share to add to this mess. 1) I neglected her; too much time on the computer and not enough quality time with her, 2) Not giving her an equal share in making key decisions in our relationship or listening to her opinions, 3) I got too wrapped up in myself; my needs, dreams, goals, desires. Didn't realize this was all causing our marriage to slowly disintegrate until D-Day.

"When she claimed A had ended ?"
She claims she never had an affair but she only "confided" in someone about her feelings and our problems. I guess it technically ended when we moved away to San Diego, but she continues to e-mail her friends from her old work (but not sure if OM) and her password to her e-mail account is kept secret from me. She said that I don't need to be accessing her e-mail.

"Are you in separation right now, living separately ?"

Yes, we have been living separately since first moving here.

"I saw that she filed separation, I don't think she could do that since there is min. stay in CA & some county before you could file."

Well, maybe it wasn't legal separation, but it was paperwork to start the clock for an uncontested divorce. After 6 mos., one of us can file to finalize the divorce.

" Do have at least 15 hours undivided contact with her ?"
Mostly on the weekends. She'll ask me to stay with her at her parents' house. During the weekdays, we sometimes meet for dinner after work.

"Do you do all the plan A and does she acknowledge your changes ?"

I guess she has been Plan Aing and she does admit that I've changed my old ways. But, every now and then she'll LB and then it'll get me upset and I'll LB and then back and forth until we're both just totally enraged with each other.

"How long have she started to allow you to fillin her ENs, all top five w/o rejections ?"

I guess for as long as we've been separated.

"What did MC say about her latest conduct ?"
Well, after a number of serious blowups, we decided that we weren't getting anywhere with the MCing. So, we stopped going. The MC didn't really say much about what she thought about WW to me but she just pointed out the differences in the way we handled communicating and expressing feelings to each other. We only went to 5 sessions.

Keeper

This is my suggestion, only my 2¢, take what you need. You should get advice from Marriage Builder itself. Some MC is pretty useless and as expensive as MB itself.

It is good that you admited and understood well on your part. 1) I neglected her; too much time on the computer and not enough quality time with her, 2) Not giving her an equal share in making key decisions in our relationship or listening to her opinions, 3) I got too wrapped up in myself; my needs, dreams, goals, desires. Didn't realize this was all causing our marriage to slowly disintegrate until D-Day. Well, what have you done to show it to her ?, your plan A actions ... this is a plan A review <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Listen all of your plan A is not as hard as others facing, it requires some thought and disipline. Could you imagine if she complaints about $$$ in this kind of economy or if she says size matter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ... It would take more time to show it to her.

Your W is what SH called it a giver snapped. Her taker took over and it would take a long time to work on it ... until she is convinced that you are really change !. Right now she is "giving you a chance" and you better cross your finger hoping she won't have exit A by now.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" Do have at least 15 hours undivided contact with her ?"
Mostly on the weekends. She'll ask me to stay with her at her parents' house. During the weekdays, we sometimes meet for dinner after work.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are being tested and she is playing safe.

About LB ... remember you wiped out LB$ every time you commit LB regardless who started it. Remember it is not only plan A but ... NO LB and fillin ENs as much as she allows you to. I would bring a cassette and tape your fight then stoped the tape just before both of you enraged. Play it back to both of you ... you will see that there is no topic in the fight. Fight just for the sake of it, jumping from one to another topic that got nothing to do with each other. How silly the fight was about. You could use it to learn how to handle the conversation. Don't pre-judge, don't assumed, and reaffirmed that you "hear" her. I think this one is a big holes in your plan A .... She still feel you won't listen to her. Throw away your plan B thinking cap and get down to work on it.

Do you know what are her top 5 ENs ?. Do you meet all five of them ?. This is ENs audit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-rh-

Red,
I greatly appreciate your thought-provoking advice. You've really got me thinking and have given me a really different perspective on things. You're right that my situation is not as bad as others on this board.

You're also right on the money about her "taker" coming into play because that is exactly what is happening and I'm ashamed to say that I haven't Plan Aing the way I should have been.

Her top 5 EN's are:
1) Honesty and Openness
2) Affection
3) Financial Support
4) Conversation
5) Admiration
I'm probably only fully meeting 2 of those ENs. Kind of half-[censored] on the others. I have to do a better job on my LB's as well. I've really gotta focus on my Plan A better.

It's kind of funny that you say that she is giving ME a chance when I've been feeling all this time that I'm giving HER a chance and I could exit A anytime now.

Thanks so much!!!! I feel so much better with just this dialogue. Now I'll sleep better, too.(SIGH) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Time to call it tonite for me too ... "There is no fact;it is only our preceptions on reality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ". -rh-

Keeper,
This is probably very un-marriage builder advice, but here goes. At your age, with no children, and a wife who has had an affair and does not really seem to be working to keep the marriage, I would chalk it all up to experiance and move on.
Michael

Hi Keeper.

Just a thought....

I also have a family wedding ring that has sentimental value. When I got married, I had it made into a pendant that I wear every day. This way I get to wear both pieces.

Possibly, you could (with permission of course) have the other ring made into some other jewelry that she can wear.

Best wishes.

PDD