Hi, I am pretty new to this site and only 1 post.
The last time a posted I asked for some info on recovery. However, today I am not sure we are making progress. I am considering Plan B.
D-day 3-21-03. WH says he does want to recover and rebuild M. But I don't see him doing anything to make me feel that he is sincere. I feel like I am doing everything. Including making it easier for him to Talk about things, accepting my part in not meeting his need for SF. This subject is not an issue now. He seems like a different person in this dept. and I know I haven't enjoyed sex this much for years. (is this normal?)
I try not to bring up his A. However, I am a talker, open book, empathetic, extrovert and of course conversation, openness and honesty are at the top of my list. So it does come up when trying to talk about what is wrong.
I guess my question is: If he cannot take the initiative to meet my need for O/H or Conversation, and being an active part of figuring out the problems, what do I do next?
He says that there is nothing in his head. He said he thought about doing something for me to make me feel special but "nothing came into his head". When we talk (I talk)he has a hard time putting into words what he is thinking or feeling. He feels void of emotion except guilt. That he can't get past what he did and that he ruined what we had. That he hurt the best thing that ever happened to him. But that is doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or want to be with me. I don't get it !!!! But then last night I asked him if he only felt empty when he was with me? He said no, that he feels that way all the time. He said he asked himself if maybe our time together was up that we had reached the end of our "journey" together. But he said "I don't think that is it. I want to be with you."
I have a therapist and we had some joint therapy about 7 years ago. She just told me last week that she thinks he has Dysthymia, and with the A and the guilt the depression is a double whammy. And I don't know what to do.
Any help, suggestions etc. would be very helpful. I feel lost and am running out of ideas to get him to talk and feel.

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Pamela,

First of all let me say that I am not lessening any of what you have gone through. All of the pain and anguish you have suffered as a result of your H's A is real. We (BS's) have all hit rock bottom with the same thing.

However, you are in a very early stage right now. I believe if your H has told you how bad he feels about his actions, he means it. It will take time for him to process what he has done and time to come to a point where he will be ready to "make amends". My FWW had her last A a year and seven months ago. She has been in and out of the recovery action phase but has, all along, sworn that our marriage is what she wants for the rest of her life. There are times when I just don't understand how she could not want to make up for all of the pain she has caused me and our family but that is my thinking. We all run on a different paradime(sp?). What I believe she owes for all of the hurt she has caused, I may never see. It doesn't mean she is not sorry or regretful. She is just doing what she can when she can. She has gone as far as she can go up to this point in our lives. I believe one day it will really hit her in the face though.

Just keep plan A alive and pray that your H's eyes will be opened one day.

Take Care, Jetes

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I also know that I am the kind of person who processes things very fast and have expectations from my H to keep up with me. Even though I am the BW I am the type that always tries to put things in a nice neat package for everyone else when things go wrong. I am a fixer a repairer of hearts and always seem to know how to make it better. What I am having a problem with is I can't seem to help him right now. I do love my H and I hate seeing him in pain. I also believe that he has some emotional limitations and I would like to help him bring down the walls and explore a different side of life. I get excited over the possibilites of what our relationship could be. I think he gets scared and overwhelmed when He tries to see what I see. Make any sense? I probably need to slow down alittle, and let him catch up. I really want some harmony with him. This is new territory. We have for the most part had a very wonderful relationship. (not without ups and downs) But when we got together we both had baggage. When we made the committment for marriage, we made a commitment for honesty openness and above all to honor each other. I can say that I have always been in love with him. He cannot say the same. He said he loves me but that he is not "in love" with me. That he is trying to get those feelings back. I have read and have asked him to read Dr. Harleys books. I do read parts to him, hoping to peak his curiosity to read them.
And you are right this is still very early stages. I need to relax a little.
Again thanks.

Pamela,
Your situation sounds similar in many ways to my own. It's kinda comforting for me to hear that there is another WS out there who is depressed and cant seem to step up to the plate, even though he has said that he wants to try to work things out.
Our s*x life also is the best it has been in years. Maybe ever. However, the advise others have given me is to slow down. Hold off on working on the marriage and work on myself. I feel that I have been working on the marriage with the expectation that he is suppose to work the same way I am. He is trying his best right now, but not meeting my EN'S. However, I need to be compassionate and realize that my husband is depressed. He is not happy with his life. (not me). The path he has chosen is not living up to his expectations and now there is a wife and 2 children he is responsible for. He just cant seem to accept that right now. That is soooo hard for me to understand. It is sooo hard for me to know what to do.

I have my post under emotional needs, and all of the replys are excellent.

Try not to fix him. He needs to do that for himself. Just be there for him. I hope that you are getting counseling too. I have never had to deal with anything so difficult in my life, and the counseling and friends have been great. I still hurt a lot, but at times I get moments of clarity. Slow down! this is probably much more about him, than it is about you.
Teri

P1956: I want to second the notion that it is VERY early for you. Recovery takes many months. The path to recovery is fairly narrow, and is outlined in the link in my signature line. Are the two of you on it?