Well, H moving out. Has found a place to stay and says won't work in marriage. Claims that he is not going back to OW. Staying here he is giving me false hope... blah, blah, blah..Just needs to be away from us to know what to do. My question is, how do I handle this?
Keep with plan A? but how if he doesn't live here. Go to plan B? but he is not seeing OW and I am pretty sure he won't at least for now.
How do I handle this situation? We have kids and he wants to see them, but I think he needs to suffer from being away from us in order to miss us right? How do I handle myself now?

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Mom_3angels ]</small>

Mom_3angels,

Could you give us more detail ?. How long is your M ?, when A started ? when is D-day ? what do you kneo about OW ?, who else know about A ? ... etc.

How long have you plan A ? ... what are your plan A ?. What did he say about you in M that he had it ?.

Welcome to MB. For now you should read as much as you can about MB. Basic Concept then WAT's quick guide to BS and all its links. Post back with more details.

One thing you have to do for sure is that he should have access to the kids. Don't put your kids in the middle of this mess. They have hard time enough to cope with the situation. You R with H is separate from his R with them. For girls they need the affirmation from their father !.

-rh-

He left 2 nights ago. Said he didn't want to work on the marriage. Come to think of it everything happened so fast.
His A for 8 weeks, first EA then PA. D-day, begining of the month and then shortly after the meeting with our counselor where he says he felt pressured to stay and send NC letter.
He stayed home 2 weeks, major fog, and then just decided that he had to leave. I just finished reading Torn Asunder, and I found that I had the typical behavior of someone who is trying to "fix" things too fast. My turn around was so drastic, that it spooked him. I was trying to be Super Wife. And he is not prepared to face the things that he has done to me.
He has only taken a few clothing items. He is staying at a co-workers house; which unfortunately happens to be OW friend also <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
This friend had known about the affair, and had expressed to him that she didn't agree with what he was doing. He keeps reassuring me that he is not going back to OW. But I believed his lies before D-day, so right now they are empty words to me. What can I do now? I think it is to early for Plan B. Maybe a variation of the two plans? Where I start limiting contact and wait for him to contact me?
He came to pick up the kids for an outing, and we ended up talking again, only for him to reaffirm that he was not coming back to the house. But he also says that he doesn't know if this is the end of it all. He says he just doesn't know.
When he was leaving, he told our daughters that he was going to work. Since he was usually gone all the time they are not aware that he is not sleeping in the house. I am sure my 8 year old will figure it out very soon. I asked "Why don't you tell them of your decision today, if you are so sure of it?" He thought about it and said he just couldn't do it. He seems so lost, and I see it in his eyes. As he was saying goodbye to the girls I kept watching him, and he would give me a glance and then asked "Why are you looking at me?"
I know I have to be independent of him and I will. I know that I can make it. I will have to make it one way or the other...

Please let me know what worked... Right now I am in despair, I want him back, but I know he has to find his way back. . Crying, pleading, begging will not work. Please help.

Me (34) WH (30)
3 Kids, 8,2, 9months
Married 10 years
Ea 1/15/03; PA 2/15/03;
Dday 4/5/03; NC ltr 4/13/03
H left 4/24/03

Mom_3angels,

Thanks for some detail in your story. There is no time table for plan A. If you know OW was not ready to take him & you have little to fix (cause of A is his lust than lost of love 'cause by LB'ed) you could go into plan B right away. Basically you push him to choose between you or OW. You better make sure that OW is not ready to take him fiancially & emotionally. What do you know about OW ? is she married ?. If you absolutely sure that OW is not ready ... shocked & awed WH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , he would not know what hit him.

If he is soo confused and you are not ready to take chances, you could do what Venusian Lady (CarolKH) did to her WH. I have the link under my signature. It is still plan A but with a twist. It is good if your M has a good kodak moments. Right now your WH is centered at A, himself & OW. By getting him chasing you, his focus will be back on you.

Altenative to plan B would be "tough love". Since you have long history and his A is very short, you might just go to plan B or "tough love". Learn each one of them and decide what would fit your situation.

What does WH say about why A happen ?.

He stays with female freind, Did I get it right ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Watch out for OW#2 in progress.

-rh-

Mom_3angels,

Thanks for the email, I read it. IMVHO, Plan B/tough love is not an option for you. You will be seen as mean and your plan A is a fake. You need a bit more time to let it sink. WH is away not to get close to OW but can't stand your plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . His A is an exit A. OW is irrelevant.

I would really consider looking at CarolKH's story. Remember to avoid LB ! and remember don't use those Angels to "help" you.

-rh-

Sunday was really rough. Not having him here all day was so sad, and not knowing where he was made it more excruciating. I talked to him at night and let him know how much he was needed at home to raise his kids. Told him how scared I was to raise our little boy without a man in his daily life...I know that he loves his children deeply, an they play a big part on his decision now. I am not going to keep him from seeing them. They need him and I am not going to use them to punish him.
He showed up this morning unannounced. Said it was to take his daughter to school, but I know he was missing the kids. We talked for awhile, and I invited him to have dinner with us tomorrow night. So lets see how this goes. I am going to continue Plan A until I can't take it anymore nad as long as he is not seeing OW. He tells me he is not seeing OW. Right now I have no choice but to hope he isn't.
The funny thing is I joked that I was going to hire a PI to check on him, and he said he had looked one up last year to check on me... he was suspicious of me having an affair. I had to laugh... but it made me kind of happy that he was jeaulous of me then... if only he was the same way now. Made me think of Carol's story and ways to implement it.

Hello

I just don't know how much good would be that dinner date. I know you lost a lot of fun and you are trying to recover from that. I trully wish you the best of the lucks, but I think that your H loose a lot of respect from you. U need to make yourself unavailable to him once in a while, for him to experiment also that thinking you are experimenting while he is away and you don't know where he is.

Take good care

<small>[ April 28, 2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mom_3angels:
<strong>Made me think of Carol's story and ways to implement it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Test it !. Do make over and get a very nice & sexy dress. If it works you know what to do ... be a Venusian Lady !. You know that OW is irrelevant at this point, even if he is seeing her. This was an exit A, he might as well has done it with any OW.

-rh-

Hi Mom of 3,
Meant to get to this board over the weekend to check up on you and puter kept slowing to a dead stop.

How do you handle yourself now. Well..you are in a plan A of sorts...What I mean, is to plan A, be as upbeat as possible when he's around. I wouldn't PUSH to see he or call him more often..however I think inviting him to dinner was OK. I also think it would be fine to have dinner only and as soon as it's over ask him to leave as you have things you need to get done. In other words..treat him like a guest..pleasant, respectful...but not gushy or needy.

I'll look for you later either here or on the ladies board. BTW...he was suspicious of YOU last year...hmmmm...do you remember what was going on around that time?
T

Well, too late for pushing him out the door.. he is spending the night// mainly because OW (coworker) is going to the place where he is staying for some work related project with the owners of the house. They all work together at the same co. So he suggested that he sleep here instead of being there. He has allowed me into all of his email accounts and I even have access to his company server to check his email there. He has gone so far as to forward me an email from his boss with the work tasks they have for the week, which shows he will be extremely busy. (no time to play). Tomorrow he will sleep on the couch... I asked him over for dinner mainly to show him that I am still treating him nicely and for him to spend time with the kids..
I am working on being his friend first. I need him to see that the changes that I am making are for real.
BTW, he dumbfounded me when he said he always thought I was having an affair... at first I thought it was a joke. But he has convinced me that he is serious... There is this guy who comes once a month to service our home, anyway, really nice guy, older, friendly. Well, apparently my H thought there was something going on, since I was always nice to the guy when he came. Just crazy... I don't know, I am also very involved in my church's music, and people are very friendly to me, men and women... So I was amazed that he was thinking something like that of me.... go figure...

<small>[ April 28, 2003, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Mom_3angels ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mom_3angels:
<strong>So I was amazed that he was thinking something like that of me.... go figure...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When they are a cheater or thinking of doing it ... they apply the same standard to you. Let him stays this way you could keep an eye on him better. However still do make over and follow the Venusian Lady steps and see if bite the bait.

-rh-

Well, who knows...but does sort of make me wonder if he was going through some sort of blow to HIS self esteem at the time.

OK..lost your email address and then found it, then lost it again last night, so I will look for you on the Ladies Board and get it again.

Saw your other post on the recovery board...stay strong girl. Stay in your plan A..no matter what the news, listen, be understanding and keep the LB's at bay.
Thinking of you,
T

Mom,

It may him just justifying what he has done, but my guess is that it was reflecting his feelings about the marriage. Whether you knew it or not, it appears he felt you were pulling away,and he felt you were being nicer to this guy than him. It is a crisis of confidence.

I think that since this all is so new, you need to settle down, do plan A, but give him space. Let him call you, let him initiate most things, but when you do have contact show him the new you.

This thing is NOT over by a long shot, so hang in there. Also, tell him what the kids are up to but don't try to "guilt" him into coming back. Let the guilt be of his own making.

I know you resent him moving out, but he may actually be one of the ones that uses the space wisely to figure what he is up to and why. But, do expect some back sliding with OW, it is very likely to happen. If you find out about it, let him know you know, but don't blow up, don't show sadness, just show concern that he is alright. Why? Because he is going to have to make choices so OW will be checked out before decision will be made. That is my guess.

You are doing well, hang in there and keep working on YOU.

God Bless,

JL