OK, I found out about the affair 6 weeks ago. He said he would stop seeing her, but wanted to keep her as a friend. I knew nothing about MB at the time, and felt in no position to make demands, so I agreed. Then 2 weeks ago he agreed to break off all contact. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I'm not sure if he's being honest about the no-contact or not, but I believe he does want to save the marriage. Today he said he needed to see her to break it off for good. I know it's not the way to do it, but I also knew that if I let him go, I would be in a position to bargain for full accountability from this point forward. My question is this: The book (Surviving an Affair) says to allow a certain amount of time for Plan A. I've been in plan A since Dec. due to WH telling me he no longer loves me. Even though it's only been 6 weeks since I found out about the affair, how long do I put up with this back and forth nonsense? When he gets home tonight I plan to require access to all cell phone and e-mail records and passwords, and request that he to take 3 weeks off of work to get through withdrawal period. Should I tell him I will leave him if he does not accept my requests, or do I continue with plan A?

The 6 months starts after you find out about the affair & start doing Plan A.

The 6 months is a general rule as it is usually how long a bs can go on before they really start to love bust.

Today he said he needed to see her to break it off for good.
When they do it in person, it does not happen 99% of the time.

I would be in a position to bargain for full accountability from this point forward.
Too bad that’s not how it works. Besides, you are married and that puts you in a position to demand he not have an affair and look where that got you.

An affair really screws with the mind of the wayward spouse. All logic goes out the window and bargaining does not (usually) work.

Read up on What Are Plan A and Plan B?, How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage, How to Overcome Love Busters and Dr Harley's Basic Concepts

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

So, it sounds like I should wait. And I accept that. In fact, it's a bit of a relief. But I'm not clear on what I should do. You're not saying I should demand he stop the affair are you? I don't see that doing anything but pushing him away. But how do I treat him every day. Do I tell him it's OK what he' doing? Do I tell him I will wait forever? Do I tell him what it's doing to me emotionally? Or do I back off and let him decide what to do?

If you have not read Survivng An Affair, you should do that now,

Also, read up on Dr Harley's Basic Concepts, What Are Plan A and Plan B?, How to Overcome Love Busters and How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage.

You're not saying I should demand he stop the affair are you?
No demands. A demand is a love buster.

But how do I treat him every day.
Be nice. Try to meet his emotional needs as best you can. Don’t be clingy. Don‘t expect much, if anything, from him. If you wanna cry, wait till he leaves. Be honest.

Do I tell him it's OK what he' doing?
No. If he asks you how you feel about it, tell him it hurts you. Don’t slam him.

Do I tell him I will wait forever?
No. Plan A/Plan B address this and will help you get through all this one way or the other.

Do I tell him what it's doing to me emotionally? Or do I back off and let him decide what to do?
Back off. Don’ tell him he can decide. Sort of drop the subject all together. If he brings it up, it’s okay to discuss but don’t get into big discussion over it.

Tell him you are looking at yourself and have been looking back over the relationship. You are trying to understand things you may have done which were not good for it and learning to correct bad relationship habits.

Continue to ask questions here at Marriage Builders. I would suggest you post over in Emotional Needs or General Questions as more people are over there.

i too just found out about my husband having an affair i found out on march 23,2003. it has been going on since jannuary. i know the woman she is in a.a. with my husband he has been in recovery for 13yrs. i am devistaded. i called around to dr. office's to find a good marriage counsilor. i lucked out and found one we go once a week. i wish it was more. but i'll take it. the counsilor told my husband he had to tell other w good by over the phone he wanted to do it person. she strongly urged him to do it that day over the phone. he did. that was 1-week ago today. he says he has not talked to her since. it is hard to trust. but i have to let it go and believe him or i will go crazy. i joined the gym allso go to alanon. it helps.he says he loves me but is not in love with me. he still feels for the o.w. my h says we have been drifting apart for alongtime we have been married for 28 yrs. in june. it was very hard to hear all this but i know he is in a fog. i try to tell him how good he is but not too much. i put a lot of love in the bank. he seems to be more attentive to me lately. he wanted to move out right away the councilor pointed out that you really can't work on the marriage if your not there. we have three children f-23 f-19 m-13. so he is still home and i think the fog is slowly lifting. there are times when i really feel things are going badly then other times when they go well. it is such a rollercoaster ride.

Listen to Chris... the voice of a veteran.

Also check out Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Jim/NSR

hi i am new to this sight. my husband works at a churhc and had a long time friendship as he says with another woman. they never did talk about anything sexual or anything else. he just said they talked about spiritual thing and things about the ministry. this friendship got very close. he said that if he was to still be friends with her it would have turned into something that he didn't want to happen. he said he loves me and he didn't want to ruin our marriage but he gave her his heart. when he finally called it quits he was very sad and said it feels like he is losing a very good friend. although nothing was said about the way they felt about one another they still could tell each other like one another. they could feel the attraction. during this whole time my H and i were still having sex. after he told me i was wondering if he was thinking about her. i found that alot of my vasoline was being used by him in the bathroom. during this whole time he was still sleeping in my bed and having sex with me. what should i do to get over this and trust him? he still works at this church and she still goes there with her husband. please help someone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />