My husband and I have been married for 8 years, the last of which we have been separated. There were alot of problems in our marriage. There was no communication or affection and some physical and verbal abuse. When we separated I never thought we would get back together. Shortly after splitting up I met someone online talked to him for a long time. He lives 8 states away though so nothing ever came of it. My husband found out about him and freaked because he said I shouldnt be talking to other men while we were still married. Since we were separated I didn't listen to him and continued to talk to him. I also started dating a man shortly after and dated him the entire time of the separation. I am still not entirely sure why but I decided to give the marriage another try for our sakes and my childrens. My husband told me when we first got back together that if I had dated anyone during the separation and he found out about it he would leave. He considers it cheating. I don't though, in fact I was trying to get him to date also. I never told him about the boyfriend I had and don't intend to. Now that he's home it's like he dosent beleive anything I say because I lied to him about talking to the guy online. When we got back together I told him about the online guy and told him that I hadnt talked to him in over 2 months. But he was mad because he thinks I should have stopped talking to him immediately when he said not to anymore. Since he is treating me this way and acting like I am lying to him, I feel really torn. These are my questions... 1) Is this normal to be in limbo about my feelings about what I want? 2) is it wrong of me not to tell him about the boyfriend? 3) I am thinkin that I made the wrong decision about getting back together and don't know how to assure myself. 4) Is it normal to feel these things because we have been apart fro so long? HELP! If you have any insight here I would greatly appreciate it. I am really having a rough time with my emotions... Thank You!

Welcome <B>Brandi</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Boy have you come to the right place... <P>A quick answer to your questions...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> The feelings you have are very normal... but <B>very</B> detrimental to your marriage.<BR><LI> Total honesty is very much recommended!<BR><LI> Any decision to rebuild your marriage is the best in the long run... but there will be work!<BR><LI> Your feelings again are normal... don't let people judge your feelings...they are yours!<BR></OL><P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards... such as yourself... i.e. "your" dating) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Even as a betrayer... you should start right away on a hard plan... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum. GET THIS BOOK ASAP!</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Not even for "waywards"!!!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on... This will apply to you as well as your husband.<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>From the title of this site you can tell where we are coming from here.<BR>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I can only say one thing: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>Rule of Honesty</A><P>Read this - it will give you your answer.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P>

hello brandi, you mentioned that your marriage had communications issues prior to separation and through out your separation. May I suggest the two of you work toward solving those? <BR>Not telling is still a lie-by omission.<BR>Counseling could help. <BR>I may be way off base here, but seems that you are defensive about having gone against his wishes and had other men? A little remorse goes a long ways toward mending fences. The two of you have communication issues, but there also seems to be a certain air of disrespect or maybe it is a lack of deep caring? <BR>The policy of joint agreement and the rules of honesty can both be found on this website. Both have become important parts of the foundation of my marriage.

Thank you Cl for your reply. There is a lack of feeling in the relationship. I think it's because I am not sure if it will work out and I don't want to get hurt again in alot of ways. I am regretful of being with someone else throughout our separation, but if I tell him he will leave and I know that for a fact. I want to give this another chance and I think telling him will ruin it for us...... AAAAAHHHHH! i don't know what to think or do at this moment!

hi brandi, <BR>any closer to a decision? <BR>I think that only you can decide if the truth will be best for your relationship. Sometimes it is not and Spring goes thru that in her book After the Affair.<BR>I always go for the truth, but that is me, not you. Truth and honesty are basic to marriage, but if you truly beleive it will destroy what little you have to work with at this point, then maybe it is not good? One the other hand, who are we to decide what another should know or not know? Would that not be a game?<BR>I don't know what to tell you my friend. Tough spot you are in. <BR>If you do choose to keep this your own issue, then I would make sure that he never knows. The pain of finding out about betrayal is so immense that it would likely destroy the relationsip and any healing that has taken place. He will look at it as a huge lie, a huge mistake. I would guess that if you bury it now, it would have to stay there either forever or a very long time.<BR>Take some time and really look into your heart, know what you want. <BR>((((hugs))))<BR>