Ok I am a little nervous. I sent my ex-WH a plan B letter AND a letter saying that I was sorry for things I did to contribute in the breakdown of our marriage. That I knew I wasn't responsible for the affair, but I was responsible for angry outbursts, selfish demands, and so on and I named some examples and told him I had to ask him and God to forgive me and then needed to forgive myself in order to move on. That I wasn't going to live in the guilt forever and that I needed to clear out my mind. The Plan B letter told him that I would not have any contact with him and that if someone called about our house that is for sale, I would have someone else call him and tell him. Which I did last night, and my friend said that he sounded shocked that I did actually get someone else to call. I sent him a Plan B letter because even though we are divorced, we were still talking and he pretty much is a cake eater, he doesn't want to let me go completely but he has OW and OC to be- and feels like he has to be a full time dad. I told him if he needed something, he should leave me a message about what he wanted, or he should write me and tell me. Well, I got 3 messages today on my home phone from him - my answering machine kept cutting him off after just like 30 seconds so he kept having to call back. hahaha. So he said, "I just wanted you to know I got your letters, and I was hoping to leave you a message that I have a job. Unfortunately though I still don't. I think I am going to deliver newspapers for now, and then I applied at Dell and they are starting a class Wednesday. I am also doing an open house for Sat. and Sunday. I also wanted to let you know that I am going to write you back and I hope work is going well for you and you should hopefully get my letter in a few days and that is it and I will talk to you later."
My machine kept cutting him off so it was funny because he kind of stumbled on himself and said I'm sorry I keep calling back, I am trying to finish my message. hahaha. He sounded nervous. But now I am nervous because what will the letter that he writes say?!!? If the letter just says things that he wants to tell me that are good or mistakes he made, then great but I am scared it will be a "I am going to be with OW" or "We never should have gotten married and I am sorry this happened (he said that while in the fog but I don't want to hear it again!?!" Or whatever else...I am just really nervous about it. As a background, he doesn't have a job because he FINALLY quit in Feb. when we were going to reconcile, OW works at the same company. He was an engineer, and wasn't really happy in engineering, except this job....he still hasn't found anything though. And he was talking about Dell- which was weird because I suggested there, even though he would hate to be in sales, but they hire all the time- he said no when I suggested it but now it sounds like he changed his mind. And our house is for sale which is why he was talking about the house. Any feedback would be appreciated- although I know you probably don't really know what he could be thinking either. I really just wanted to get it all out!!!
Thanks.
ADgirl

adgirl48,

Any updates ?

-rh-

Nothing yet. But thanks for asking. He has a really bad habit of saying he will do something and then not doing it. I don't know if this will be one of those times. I told him actions spoke louder than words a while back...we'll see. He does owe me money May 1 that he isn't going to be able to pay me, so I will see if he acknowledges that.

WH left message on my home phone a while ago (knowing I was at work, so he is respecting my boundaries) . He said he just wanted to leave a quick message and he wished he could write to tell me he had a job but he is just carrying newspapers right now (at the paper I used to work at ) And that he has an interview at Dell (where I mentioned a while ago he could apply bc they are always hiring) and he would let me know and that he would also let me know how open house last weekend went - that a couple of people came- so he would let me know.
So what was the point of that message? He really didn't tell me anything. I don't know if that means he is missing me or if he just decided to update me but really that wasn't an update. It was basically the same message that he left last week.?!

Plan B means no contact. No contact also includes not listening to any voice mails or reading any emails/letters.

Plan B is to help you "just get over it." By listening to his stuff, you prolong the situation.

It's tough sometimes, but nnecessary.

Chris,
So I just delete them? How do I know what is going on with my house for sale then?

Have the realtor call you?

I guess it is kind of difficult in this situation but how much contact do you really need for this?
If no one is making an offer, the realtor can call you when they want to show it. If your h has someone intereseted, again, the realtor can call you to show it.

When it comes time to tallk a deal, you will probably have to sit down with h and talk a bit but keep it about the house.

I'm kind of curious as to what your divorce decree say who gets the house and how it is to be settled?

Chris,
We don't have a realtor. My uncle has his license so if we sell the house on our own he will do the paperwork which will save us $$. So any calls come to me, because I didn't trust my WH to handle it. However, my WH lives in the house because I couldn't take living there alone. The memories were too painful. In the Plan B letter, I told him that when I got calls that I would have my friend call him. So I did that. She said he sounded surprised that I actually went through with it. The divorce decree says that the house is to go up for sale and the equity split. That is all it says. So I thought I was sticking to the right plan because I don't call him and I don't write him anymore- I only listen to his messages when he calls at my house while I am at work. Do you have any other suggestions?

Are you looking/wanting for a possible reconciliation with him at some point?

If not, then I would suggest you not really bother with Plan B.

If someone wants to see the house they call you, correct?

Then you arrange with ex (thru someone else) to have the house viewed?

You shouldn't need to talk much unless someone wants to make an offer.

Chris,
Yes. I have told him that I would like to renew our marriage but that we cant do that with the other woman in the picture at all. She is pregnant so he is struggling between full time dad and full time husband to me (I said that with POJA and God's help we could figure out together what to do about the child)- supposedly he isn't wanting to marry her, but I don't know how else he would be a full time dad. So I had to give off the emotional roller coaster and pray for God to make a way for me, whatever is in His will.
I know that if my WH doesn't change, then God will lead me away from him.
So yes, my friend calls him about t he house and other than that, I haven't communicated with him since the letter.

Ok I received a letter from ex-WH. I read it, for 2 reasons- 1, we are selling our house so I wondered if he said anything about it, and 2- I knew an alimony check was in there so I HAD to open it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I guess 3, I wanted to know what it said. Chris123 said Plan B means not reading letters from WH or listening to Voicemails. I don't see that in SAA, anyone have feedback on that? I know you aren't supposed to be in contact so I guess that is technically contact, but I am not trying to reach him......Anyways, I wanted to show you the letter, so here goes:
M - Little Nutbrown Hare-,
I'm sorry this is coming late, but I wanted to be able to tell you I found a job. Well, I was able to find one. Well, I guess I've found two. I'm delivering papers & I got a job delivering patio furniture for during the day.
Before I write anymore, I want to tell you how much respect I have for you to write me and tell me what you are feeling. I have so much to tell you and say to you that I probably won't get everything out with this letter or probably in a lot of letters. I KNOW that you have changed and have God in your life. You talked about that you had a lot of "love busters" but I think I showed a lot of them too. I didn't help you NEARLY as much as I should have. Which leads me to think that I contributed greatly to our fights & arguments. I have so much to say about this that I think I'll save it for another letter.
It is so hard to trust God, but I know he will get me through this, just as He has helped you. And I know how hard it is not to talk to me, and that you so desperately want to help me, but sometimes the only way for someone to get better is to drown completely. I think that God is giving me step by step instructions to get my life back together. By doing this I keep my eyes on Him and don't focus on everything that is going on. Whenever I think about the entire situation I feel myself start to sink just like Peter did when he walked with Jesus on the water. The second he looked at the storm he began to sink. God is forcing me to look at my life Entirely. Not just the affair or you and our marriage, but also my relationship with Him and with other people. I took so much for granted and didn't appreciate the treasure that I had, mainly YOU. I was and sometimes still am so apathetic. It makes me sick, but it's a habit that has been with me for a long time, and I am struggling with it constantly.
Well, I haven't said nearly as much as I wanted to so I will keep writing and let you know how my walk is going.
Oh yeh, about the open house last weekend, I had ONE couple besides Faye come by. Oh well, I guess that is better than none. Faye really liked the house, but she said that her house would have to sell before she could do anything. Selling the house has been VERY frustrating.
Love,
R
PS NOTHING is impossible with God. And it is amazing how some of the disciples still doubted after they had SEEN Jesus' scars. I feel like God understands how hard it is and that's why He is so incredibly patient & merciful.

OK That is it!!!!!! What do you all think? IMO< It sounds like a love letter in part and in part a testimony of his life towards God, but not towards me? I don't know......I am not going to respond to it though. I did tell him in my Plan B letter -I wrote 2 letters- one saying what I did wrong in the marriage and that I was sorry- basically about the lovebusters and then the Plan B letter-Please don't contact me with a "let's try" or "we'll see" attitude but only with an "I will" attitude. If you choose to be with OW that is a decision that I will accept and move forward from. Oh and Little Nutbrown Hare is from the kids book "Guess how much I love you"- I ended Plan B letter with "With my love- Big Nutbrown Hare"....

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

adgirl48,

If you want to do pure plan B, even letter would be read by others and just give you the summary of it in regard with financial or legal matter only otherwise it should be censored.

Anyway, WS could be in and out of the fog depending on their mood of the day. You have stated what it needs to be done to break plan B ... stick with it otherwise you will have a hard time to recover your M and yourself later in case of Dv. Don't read too much into it. Talks and words are cheap ... it is free of charge and little efforts.

hang in there. -rh-

Every message and letter brings new hope...and also new hurt. How can you protect yourself from that, yet still leave the door open enough for him to come back on your terms?

Maybe through the other person ask for no phone calls except for what pertains to the house. And with letters, if he wants to write anything personal (which can be helpful for him to work things out himself) and send it, to write on it personal, and write another letter pertaining to house issues. He can give these through the friend. This can give you the option of whether you want to read it or not (and there may be days you will stick them in a drawer.) Your friend can explain that by including personal notes in letters about the house it doesn't give you the choice of whether to read them or not. I don't see a problem with reading them, but you may not want to be faced with his love/lies? when you are looking up some information about the sale of the house.

My suggestion? Keeping the boundaries clear about the sale of the house and your personal issues. If he knows you are not far, he won't begin to realize how much he has lost.

Stillheremakingit,
That is really an awesome idea! Thanks for telling me that. I think I will go about doing that. That way if I am not in the mood or the frame of mind to read it I don't have to. I was ok when I read his first one, yet as time goes by, now I just keep wondering if there will be more, what will they say, and on and on, driving myself crazy. When in reality the first letter was nice, but as many have said, talk is cheap, where is his action? Thanks again.....I think this is an excellent plan.

I was thinking of telling my friend to tell him that i don't need to receive any more letters from him unless he is letting go of the other woman. Should I do this or just leave it alone and do stillheremakingit's suggestion maybe?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was thinking of telling my friend to tell him that i don't need to receive any more letters from him unless he is letting go of the other woman.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's a great idea. You set the boundaries you need. If your friend is willing to do it. Maybe a simple letter from you saying thanks, and refer back to your original no contact statements. Set more ground rules, and let him know why you had to write the letter (because the messages and letters made you feel....?) and let him know there won't be more letters from you, unless...

And leave her for how long? Is one day enough? One month?

I think that's a great idea. You set the boundaries you need. If your friend is willing to do it. Maybe a simple letter from you saying thanks, and refer back to your original no contact statements. Set more ground rules, and let him know why you had to write the letter (because the messages and letters made you feel....?) and let him know there won't be more letters from you, unless... And leave her for how long? Is one day enough? One month?

Well that is what scares me. I want to know he has left her for good. At this point, I don't know how I would know for sure? Since we are divorced, it isn't like I would just let him back in completely in my life, but then again, I don't want to let him in at all unless it is to try for reconciliation. I don't know, I am so confused...I think i need to just let go and rest for a while.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />