I have gotten my H out of the house. No contact initiated from my end. He's sending me email notes now. About 8 a day, with all sorts of little questions. He is still trying to provoke me into making joint decisions about things in which I have no desire to take part.

He claims that his most recent atachments to women were just in early stages of development and that he has cut off all contact with them. He claims to now be "with the program" and sends me all sorts of love poetry and romantic declarations. It is a pity he didn't do this years ago, before I became so hurt and jaded.

I am using this time to become even stronger. I realize now that I had completely fused myself with him, taking on his goals and ambitions as my own, and completely setting aside my own interests. I need to get to know myself even more, and reassert what it is that I want in my life, what my beliefs are, and what it is that I feel is important.

Did you send a proper Plan B letter?

If you are in Plan B, no contact means not reading his email or listening to his voicemails.

No, I didn't send a letter. He was here when I told him to leave, and why, and that I didn't want to have contact with him any longer until he ended his contact with the other women and agreed with the plan to fix our marriage.

He says the contact with the other women is done (heard that before), and he sends love poems and notes about how much he wants us to be together again. I am reading nothing about what he is doing to to move towards "the plan".

I just got a vase full of flowers and a card that states "You make me want to be a better man".

So, under plan B, do I not respond?

Write a Plan B letter & post it here for comments BEFORE you send it to him.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? If not, read it.

He says the contact with the other women is done (heard that before), and he sends love poems and notes about how much he wants us to be together again.
Which is why you do not read the stuff he sends you. No contact means no contact. Ignore his requests, emails and comments totally until he agrees to to what you ask of him in the Plan B letter.

I am reading nothing about what he is doing to to move towards "the plan".
Which is also why you need to send a Plan B letter to him. It should be a written letter, not an email. It addresses what he needs to do BEFORE you consider reconcilation. It is a must when you consider Plan B.

Please note that that you are not in a real Plan B because you have not sent the letter.

I think you should respond to the flowers. Keep it brief. No long, drawn out reply.

See what he does over the next few weeks. Don't ignore him, but don't press contact. If he keeps it up, then it is time to get together and discuss what needs to be done.

Dear H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for a while. I have had difficulty putting this together because of our situation and the distance between us.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I know this helped create a void in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife. I want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the children.

The past five years have been a difficult passage of time for us, and the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery rather haltingly, only to slip and fail again and again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I discovered that you were actively pursuing still other women and seriously considering going back to your first affair. In the past this situation had been torturously painful to me.

I am happy for the growth I have sustained over the years. In the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the children. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we have been, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to contact the kids at any time. If you need to contact me, please do so through email. You have been contacting me quite a bit lately, with much ferver. I appreciate everything you have written. But most of what your have written has sounded a lot like how we can't or won't be going to counselling, and this is unacceptible to me.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With a lot of work, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I wanted to grow old with you. I loved you and respected you for so many years, and hope to again when you find yourself ready and willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

Your wife,

Very good.

Again, I suggest you wait a week or two before you send this & see what happens with the flowers.

One suggestion,
Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage,
Change this to, "when you are ready to end your affair and agree to never have any contact with her again, then we can discuss reconciliation."

This leaves it open to discussion about what needs to be done for reconcilition

I wanted to grow old with you. I loved you and respected you for so many years,
Change this to present tense. It sounds like you do not want this anymore.

The affair is the main thing that needs to be dealt with (ended) before anything else can even be discussed.

He already has told me he has cut off all contact with these women. I just don't trust that.

What I don't want is to remain in a state of being hurt repeatedly. I did love him and respect him a lot, but I don't respect him any longer, and I am not at all sure about loving him. I feel so relieved now that he's gone.

Thank you for your suggestions

Have you thought about calling Steve Harley (1-888-639-1639)?

He can give you some great direction in what you should be doing and how to help you figure out what you want to do.

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>