this guy dumped me. Told me he had to go back to his family and this is the way it must be. I have accepted that. But now he is contacting me. Asking me why I have removed my ICQ program. Saying he is confused and does not understand what he did wrong. My God is he sick or am I? I have just gotten over the shock of losing him and now he has started this crap. He acts like he is a victim here...<P>------------------<BR>AnnieL

The best thing for both of you is to not contact him at all. Delete his email without reading it. If he calls, hang up on him.<P>He is confused and contact from you will only mess him up more. You & he both know he should go back to his family & work it out. Gotta be tough about it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

What Chris said.<P>He doesn't need/deserve ANY explanations!<P>Hang tough, AnnieL ... it WILL get easier! I promise.

Can he really be that stupid? To not know what he did wrong to me? He wants the best of both worlds..is that the male ego or what? He thinks we can just go back to being good friends and talking on the 'net. Are my feelings that meaningless to him? Or is he going through a withdrawal of his own? I am angry now.....I want him to feel as much pain over this as I am. I want him to hurt.

Annie:<P>You seem to be in a "me, me, me..." phase. Direct some of the anger you have into working on your marriage. Start counseling, ask your husband to attend (but do it even if he refuses).<P>And Chris and Maya are right. No contact. You'll get over this in due time.

Evidently he IS hurt ... you denying him access to you thru e-mail or whatever gets his goat. Keep the wall up.<P>He's definitely crazy to think that you all can be friends.

AnnieL --<P>Interesting. That's the exact same response I had. How could I be feeling so much pain about the OW when she was blithely going along living her life and not even thinking about me?! Why doesn't she hurt too?! I WANTED her to be in as much pain as I was... But I'll tell ya, it's futile. Nothing good will come of that.<P>What everyone else is saying is the good thing -- NO CONTACT. Hard? You bet! Can you do it. Most likely.<P>btw, his behavior is not typical only of males but anyone of EITHER sex who is addicted to an affair.<P>--airheart<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 25, 1999).]

My husband and I are going for counselling. And I am in a Me,Me, Me, phase because for so many years of my life I have lived for others. I'm sick of that. I am bitter too, there is no doubt about it. OM tells me he only went back to his family because he couldn't live with himself otherwise...he's trying to string me along. Said he still thinks of me daily and loves me still and all that other meaningless bs. Forgive me for venting..I appreciate all of you for bearing with me

Annie:<P>I understand that you're in an extremely selfish phase: an affair is by definition one of the most selfish acts anyone can do. And many people end up in affairs because they've been in "Giver" mode for way too long, and they haven't had their "Taker" satisfied.<P>Regardless, you need to learn new behaviors. You already know how to give---what you'll need to learn is where to effectively direct that effort to benefit your husband. In other words, you'll need to learn his emotional needs. <P>The other thing you'll need to work on is how to effectively learn to communicate your needs, so that your husband is aware of them and will meet them for you. That's going to require learning honesty without lovebusters and how to negotiate. This will come easier with time, but it's going to take some period of "learning". The end result---a happy marriage---is well worth it.

Annie,<P>From the few things that you say, I believe you really can see that this MM does NOT care much about your feelings. It seems to me he is simply using you. What he should be doing is trying harder to communicate with his wife and leave you alone.<P>I do believe you played your part in him leaving you, and I think you know that too. But thinking about what he did to you, that should show you how little TRUE love he had/has for you.<P>I think I said it in your other thread, and I will say it again. For YOURSELF, don't give him any more of your time. He will end up hurting you (and his family) again and again.<P>Listen to Chris. Don't accept ANY contact from him. It will only keeping tugging at your heart and making it harder for you.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

AnnieL --<BR>I believe the OM truly does miss you and is hurting or he wouldn't be calling you. I heard all the same things you did...I miss you, think about you all the time, you're perfect for me. I took everything the OM said to heart, but in the end it was all words with nothing to back it up.<P>It will be difficult to break off all contact with him (I'm still trying to do that myself, and am not one to be giving advice), but you will feel better...it will take a long time. Concentrate on your own marriage, let him work on his.<P>Basically, he may love you (or the emotional needs you have provided him) but has chosen his family...it will be easier for you to concentrate on making yourself happy and not to worry about how unhappy he should be.

I thank all of you for your advice. It has gotten just a bit easier I guess. OM said he will eventually sort this all out and he wants me to keep in touch. He was always that way..wanting me to contact him first. I guess that is his way of dealing with the guilt. He ended his last email by telling me I am beautiful...what a piece of sh** Sorry I'm still angry and venting. Everyone tells me how I should focus on my husband. I am having a very difficult time with that...I just don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore. He tries to get close to me and I pull away...can't be near any man right now...and he doesn't understand that. I guess I love him..but not romantically anymore. I know this feeling is common from reading other posts. I never had very strong romantic feelings for my husband anway, we just sort of got along well. These feelings for OM are powerful. I can honestly say I've never felt this way before. I truly believe that one can love more than one person at the same time even though it is not socially or morally acceptable. I don't believe there is such a thing as one true love. I feel like everyone else does; that marriage takes work and is alot of give and take. I'm worn out by all the giving. I'm exhausted with the whole thing. I don't have the strength to work on my marriage..I just want out. And yeah..I'm selfish alright,...but at least there are no kids involved.

Annie, after reading some of your posts, I am for one very thankful that you and your H do not have children. I think that part helps me understand somewhat your lack of feelings toward his family. You have never obviously seen children sob uncontrollably because of the devasation caused by an affair. You surely filled a need for him as he did for you, but as you have found out it wasn't what you thought. So since you were the one in the relationship that wised up first, don't think it will change back. I'm sorry you said you didn't believe in that "one true love", they are out there. Marriage take alot of work....hard work, and we all get in that "comfortable" stage and take each other for granted. I hope you find that spark again, your H loves you enough to stay, think about that.....the om didn't!

sorry, I guess my pc is acting up<p>[This message has been edited by gladimadeit (edited August 25, 1999).]

Annie, after reading some of your posts, I am for one very thankful that you and your H do not have children. I think that part helps me understand somewhat your lack of feelings toward his family. You have never obviously seen children sob uncontrollably because of the devasation caused by an affair. You surely filled a need for him as he did for you, but as you have found out it wasn't what you thought. So since you were the one in the relationship that wised up first, don't think it will change back. I'm sorry you said you didn't believe in that "one true love", they are out there. Marriage takes alot of work....hard work, and we all get in that "comfortable" stage and take each other for granted. I hope you find that spark again, your H loves you enough to stay, think about that.....the om didn't stay!

Annie, after reading some of your posts, I am for one very thankful that you and your H do not have children. I think that part helps me understand somewhat your lack of feelings toward his family. You have never obviously seen children sob uncontrollably because of the devasation caused by an affair. You surely filled a need for him as he did for you, but as you have found out it wasn't what you thought. So since you were the one in the relationship that wised up first, don't think it will change back. I'm sorry you said you didn't believe in that "one true love", they are out there. Marriage takes alot of work....hard work, and we all get in that "comfortable" stage and take each other for granted. I hope you find that spark again, your H loves you enough to stay, think about that.....the om didn't stay!