I've been on a long winding and rocky road with my wife. Her affair came to the light of day in feb. and I have been working very very hard to be everything she felt I was not during her A. I think she is working at it too but I know she still has limited/small contact with OM (something she does'nt know). It's hard not to just confront her and just go off that I know what I know but because the contact is limited I think I can win my wife's heart back.

My reasons:
1. I have way more in commmon with my wife than OM.
2. I am funny.
3. I am smart.
4. I like to spend time with my wife and she is my #1 priority in my life.
5. I remain positive - even when my back is to the wall and my rope has run out.
6. I admire my wife - I am 110% captivated over her beauty, her personality, her sense of humor and her sexuality.
7. I do everything in my power to help her out around the house and do projects that will make her smile.
8. I do little things to show affection that I hope will in her heart add up to a big thing one day.
9. I am honest about my feelings.
10. I am a better man because I can put more positives in my wifes life than OM and not use her just for sex.
11. I am not demanding and not expecting anything from my wife and when her feelings and love come back to me then it will be all the more fulfilling.

If my wife can't see these things than so be it but I am practicing what I preach and I can win her heart back by being who I really am. If in the end she does not want all these things I have to offer then so be it but I sure am giving it my best. My new attitude has been me trying to figure out more of what I can do rather than focus and dwell on what I can't and don't do. I can't change her and I know that but she can see a change in me. Her heart might be in confusion but through my actions I hope to lead her eyes as a portal to her heart of who she really can have as a best friend and as a husband.

Staying stong and being who I am....

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Awesome and eloquently stated Promise....I hope that someday that I regain that strength to be confident. Don't know if you have been reading my posts, but I have filed for Divorce from my H. I know my "waiting period" for the fog to lift has not been that long; however, his lame attempts to reconcile just made me snap. You see, while he was trying to reconcile, he was being coached by OW. You see, he does not want to be totally free of me, because that means that he will be totally indebted to me. As a product of divorce, he will have to split the remainder of the assets that he has yet to dessimate. Before he cashes in yet another retirement plan, I had to seek legal counsel to put something in motion to stop him....marital assets cannot be touched. While it pained me to do this (petition for divorce), the lying, manipulation and all out disrespect to me had to be stopped. While I have cried every single minute since I made the decision, I know, that he will finally realize that I am ready to move on and that my life revolves around my children, and NOT HIM. God Bless your patientce Promise and I know, with a determination like yours, you will have your wife back, and she will truly understand the meaning of unconditional love. Good Luck my friend....

Kimmie,

I am so sorry to hear about you having to file for divorce. It breaks my heart to hear that happened but I understand your position and I feel for you. I bet it feels as if a part of you has died but your a good lady and you have your family and friends so please always remember that. In all honesty he has 1 last chance to turn this around (being served papers is not the end), if he could honestly convince you that he would come back to you would you allow it or are you totally done?

I hope things can get beter my way and I try to really stay headstong. In times like these it is so damn easy to just give up. I could almost easily do that now with my wife because I feel in the back of my mind if she was totally devoted to me she would not allow this contact to continue but I feel if I continue with what I mentioned in my first post then I can win her heart back. I swear though everytime I see our online cell bill it crushes me everytime I see she has dialed him. Actually it cuts deep cause its continued betrayl of me but I try to look past it all. Plan B could be on the horizon but I am holding on to everything I can. I am rearranging my life and being the best man I can be. I pray that one day the sun will rise... and shine down on me.

Thanks again kimmie for your encouragement and know you are in my thoughts and prayers in this hard time you are facing.

I can do this... I can beat out the OM - plan A fuel!
You won;t even come a close second.

Let me explain (ala Dr Willard Harley & Steve Harley).

she still has limited/small contact with OM
The ONLY time they have contact is going to be very positive and very fulfilling. They do not have to dal with all the extraeneous crap that is called life. Dishes, bills, cleaning dog poop, etc.

One of the main reasons affairs fail is because it is very difficult to keep up all the "good" in the relationship without the bad eventually coming to surface. Just like you read about addicts. It's great at first and they keep it up. But eventually, they ned stronger & more drugs and everything else around them starts to come undone.

Plan A is not about being "better" than the op.
It is about being better than you were previously.

Habits you establish in Plan A are habits you willl keep for life. Example- if you are mopping the floor everyday while in Plan A, you will be expected to do this for life.

Also, being a giver is a key part of a relationship. But your taker will want something at sometime. Plan A is putting your taker in the closet for a while.

Now all that being said, everything you put in the first post is really good stuff. It's not unrealistic and very upbeat. Keep it up & you'll do fine. Just remember it is NOT a competition.

Promise..in response to your question, I'm not sure what my reaction to my WS would be if he truly wanted to work it out. In all honesty, this last time, I thought he was sincere. He made the effort during two weeks to be there, calling, showing interest, etc., etc., but when I received his cell phone bill....oh my god...it was all just a big lie. He talked to her (as if he were being coached), then he would call me, and in between our conversation, his phone would die out and he would call her, as if to ask how to proceed. Then, after our conversation came to a close, well, he contacted her. Their conversations were 30+ minutes each time, our conversations, um, 5-6 minutes the most. I was crushed. I saved the bills and each time I feel down, I glance at them. I know, everyone says that he is in a fog. In my opinion, he is a selfish [censored]...apologies for the rude language. Our children are suffering, but does he care...noooo, he worries about her and only her; her feelings, her moods, etc., etc. Now, he would never admit this of course...I learn this through her v-mail messages to him. I have stopped checking his voice mail, because it only pains me more, not to mention set my anger ablaze. Do I want a divorce? No, not really, but, before H dissipates all of our marital assets so that he has money to live in comfort with OW, well, Yes, then I have to do what is important for the children and me. Has he called any of us in three days, no. Hell, he can ignore me, but his daughter and son...there is no excuse. His selfishness has no boundaries and I do not recognize him anymore. My nervousness is that he returns from his business trip today (or supposed to return). My son has a T-ball game tonight and I'm afraid he will show. He has an inkling that something is up, because I would usually call back in a day or two, if only to argue, but I haven't given in. When he returns to work in PA this Monday, he will find the solicitation for divorce sitting on his desk. I'm not interested in whether he cares or not, I pretty much believe I'm history in his life, but I want him to realize that he cannot mistake me being nice, for being stupid. I believe he and the OW have been doing so for 7 months. So, I need to stop, if only for my own well-being and sanity.

Thanks, as always Promise, for your kind and compassionate words, and I know, deep down, you will win your wife. No matter what!

You have promised her the moon ... could you deliver it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ?. Just kidding, luckily in Plan A you only have to convince her by your actions that you would deliver it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2x4 ... I am glad you point out what are good points about you ... but if it is not fixing the complaint that your W has before D-day, situation that is cause by you ... it is futile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . The same thing if you fillin her ENs, e.g conversation, to the zilt but if in reality that EN is at the bottom of the stack ... you would only annoyed her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

-rh-

Chris and Redhat - are you saying my attempts are in vain here? Is my approach wrong? I know this is not a competition but the reality of it all is it IS a competition and that is kind of sad. She knows who I am and what I have to offer - she's letting her mind smoke screen her heart. My plan is that if I smother the bad feelings she has about me the good has to rise to the top. Does continued contact of ANY type mean I should kick into plan b? I am trying my best guys but I am no pro at this.

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

are you saying my attempts are in vain here? Is my approach wrong?
Far from it I think you are doing great!

I know this is not a competition but the reality of it all is it IS a competition and that is kind of sad.
Perhaps in a way but not as you would think. It is not so much about being "better" than the op as much as it is "outlasting" the op.

You have seen each other at your best, at your worst and everywhere in between. He has only had to deal with the good stuff. She has lots of baggage yet to bring into their relationship. When she does, chances are he'll run like a rabbit.

She knows who I am and what I have to offer - she's letting her mind smoke screen her heart.
YEs she is. It is also hiding all the bad stuff about op. How he farts when he watches tv, drools as other women walk by, throws his clothes all over the place, etc.

ALMOST always, a spouse who has an affair regrets it because once the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over & the true person is shown, they realize the op is not that much different than the betrayed spouse. Or else they are 180 degrees the opposite and it was "fun" for a while but it gets old as that is not the type of person they are really interested in. Simple amusement.

My plan is that if I smother the bad feelings she has about me the good has to rise to the top.
You "smother" the bad feelings by developing new habits which are beneficial to a relationship (eliminate LoveBusters and fulfill her needs) & demonstrating these new habits. Again, these are things you will continue to do for life, not just to "ewin" her back. This is one of the fears of a ws while doing Plan A. That the bs is doing it simply to get them back.
I don't know how many times I have heard and read the ws say, "you're simply changing to get me to come back. You'll fall into your old habits as soon as I do." And yes it is something you have to ardently strive to avoid.

Does continued contact of ANY type mean I should kick into plan b?
I wouldn't recommend Plan B yet. You sound as if you are doing really well emotionally. Plan B should be preceded by an outstanding Plan A. This will make Plan B much, much more effective.

Ditto Chris ... you are doing great but please review/focus on what she was complaining before d-day and currently. Let put it this way you have to do A+ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... what you have been doing plus focus more.

-rh-