WOW- When I first found out about my H’s A- I thought that no one else out there felt my pain or understood our situation. It is the most difficult of life’s situations. I went to my local bookstore- and found Dr. Harley’s book, read the back cover and flipped through the first few pages and thought, “what the heck” and bought it… Well- I couldn’t put it down and read the first few chapters before I left the bookstore, and the whole book TWICE in less than a week. If I didn’t know better- I would have sworn Dr. Harley wrote the book about my H and I and just changed our names…. (Except the genders were reversed- my H had the affair) It helped me so much, just to have the feelings and emotions identified- and to know that what I was thinking and feeling were “ok”. I asked my H to read the book- and through parts of it when I would find something that would identify with our situation and feelings at that moment. He found the book very helpful, and it let him identify the “why’s” and helped us each be accountable for exactly where our marriage had gone. It has been such an emotional roller coaster- we have been through the initial shock of discovery, the promising of wanting to making our marriage work, and now the discovery of not being able to make it through withdraw. He feels that he shouldn’t have to “deny” his feelings, because he believes they are “true” feelings for the OW. He wants to be able to act on these feelings- and I know he needs to do this…. I know that no amount of advice, counseling, or heart-to-heart talks will make him see the reality of the situation, until he goes through it on his own. (They truly believe at this point that the A happened for a reason, and they were meant to be together and are “soulmates” and that “no one” understands the “connection”) He does know the severity of his decision to act on his feelings, and at this point he is willing to face the consequences of acting on those feelings, whatever the consequences may be. He knows my feelings, and how I would be willing to make our marriage work through forgivness and recovery. I know usually the A doesn’t last more than 6 months after it is found out… But I guess what I am having a hard time finding past experiences on is the “separation” time- and being with the OW. How many A’s have actually worked? How many of these situations actually get to the point where the H makes it work with the OW? We have agreed on one thing to help us get through this situation, and it is honesty. He is honest with me about how he feels, but he is at the point where he is tired of second guessing himself and his feelings, he wants to make a decision and just stick by it. I have told him I respect his decision- and I have not let ANY LB rear their nasty head. (Sometimes I don’t know where I get the strength to be so understanding…) I have been, and am working on the issues that we have in our marriage- the EN that we were not meeting- and why we couldn’t meet them. The biggest EN was honesty and communication- he thought I should just “know” his EN and he shouldn’t have to tell me them. He had the unspoken EN need theory, and he knows now that it wasn’t the productive way to think. How can you expect someone to forfill those EN if you aren’t honest enough to communicate them to your spouse? He sees how wrong this is now, but he feels like his emotional door is already closed to me. My H has patterns over the course of his life of taking the “easy way” out so to speak. He actually feels like he is “breaking the mold”, by making the decision to act on his feelings- when I can see how he is actually just letting history repeat itself. (But to try and help him see that at this point would only create resentment, so I have to be patient and let a life lesson be learned.) And if it is not learned, then at least I have not created the resentment. I am sure that I will be posting more in the coming days, weeks, etc… But any help anyone has experienced through this particular situation would help GREATLY….
