I am 8mths pregnant 41yrs and my husband started an affair 10ks ago it accelerated quickly and I asked him to leave 2wks ago. I tried not to have contact but I had to ask for his help with our son as I really can't cope, he is still mowing the lawn and doing jobs around the house. he says he could not come back as he has caused too much pain and knows he would do it again, he had an affair 4yrs ago and never came to terms with the guilt, we had a fantastic marriage before that.He is in love with his new woman 48yrs (hes 39yrs), should I give up and move on, any advice would be appreciated.This is a copy of the e-mail he sent me, am I just clutching at straws.
Sue
Following this mornings discussion with you, I accept unconditionally full
responsibility for what has happened and the upset that I have caused you
and others around you. You ask me why I am doing this and why I am doing
this now and why didn't I discuss our relationship prior to your getting
pregnant and during your pregnancy over the past few months and I am
willing to explain. After Andrea, I tried desperately hard to try and put
things behind me and to develop and mend our relationship and I managed to
convince myself that all was OK in the hope that it would be OK and in a
sense things were OK. However, in the back of my mind I always realised
that things between us had moved on and that underneath I was not truly
happy with our relationship. Knowing this however I resigned myself to the
fact that things might get better between us and this is why I did not ever
broach the subject with you, also I was afraid that if I did I would risk
hurting you again. As you correctly pointed out, I have always surrounded
myself with Connor and this was a need that I had to try and make up for
the shortfall on my part with respect to the relationship that I had with
you. I know this was totally wrong but I felt helpless and did not know how
to deal with the situation. It was not my intention to go looking for
another relationship and indeed I didn't. I have known Sally for a number
of years now and there has always been a mutual attraction between us.
Although we never spoke to each other until recently the attraction was
always there and I resisted the temptation to respond to this, always
convincing myself that everything would be all right between us. When I
first spoke to Sally, the attraction between us quickly accelerated and
although I tried desperately to hide this for fear of the repercussions, I
just could not!. As painful as it is for you to accept and god knows I do
try to understand I cannot bring myself to come back to you. You are a
lovely woman and to be fair to you, you have been a very good wife to me
and you have fought hard over the years to keep our relationship on an even
keel. I have always recognised how much I hurt you with Andrea and the
guilt that I have endured over these past few years has been absolutely
immense!, especially in light of how hard you fought to keep me and the
extreme lengths that you went to. I doubt whether many woman would have
tried as hard as you to keep their partner and it was something that I
wholly did not deserve!. I have given many, many hours of hard thought to
our situation and in amongst the regret, guilt and upset I just cannot
bring myself to put myself back in the situation with you knowing all the
hurt that I have caused you and knowing deep down that I would invariably
unintentionally hurt you again some time in future years....
I also have suffered here, maybe not on the same scale as you but I have
suffered greatly!. As you know I am seeing Sally still and the feelings
between us are mutual. We both have great regrets about what we have done
and neither of us takes any pleasure at all in any of this!. I intend to
keep seeing Sally as I want her in my life!. Sally is not to blame for this
situation, if anyone is to blame it is me and as such I would prefer it if
your mother and any other person who may be actively involved please stop
taking it out on her!, it will not change anything!. Your mother seems to
think that If Sally finishes with me or is not around, then I would return
home. This is simply not the case and will not happen!. I know that this
will hurt you immensely, but quite simply I do not know of another way of
telling you this and I want you to know the truth!.
I am still extremely fond of you Sue and I always will be and I would
absolutely never , ever let you come to harm, even though I have hurt you
so very much, and I do hurt very much for having done this to you, but I
must be happy in my life and you ultimately must have a loving trusting
partner that you can depend on!.
From the perspective of you and the children, I would like it very much if
we could be civil to one another and be friends and I know this will be
difficult for you!, but as their father I would like to have them both,
when I can and in the interim I would like to have Connor to stay with me
every other day. I would drop him at school and you can pick him up if that
is all right I would prefer every other day, not to be awkward, but because
he needs to see both of us and not just one parent. I would be grateful if
you could agree to this even though you probably want to make my life a
living hell at this moment!. I would also like to do my equal share if
possible when the baby arrives but I guess we shall have to chat about this
nearer the time.
To help you I am still willing to help you sort the house, cut the grass
etc. and maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement around this.
From a financial perspective and I know you won't speak to me on this
matter, I would like to sign the house over to you, along with all it's
contents and I will propose a financial package that will keep you living
to the standard to which you have been used to and enable you to have a
large disposable income. I will also ensure that the business is kept
rolling for you and I will develop and safeguard the business further, for
you and the childrens future, including Amy!.
I am eternally sorry for all of the upset that I have caused you,
especially with respect to your current condition but I do hope that one
day you will be able to forgive me for this!
Adrian
