Well, I have news for snooperhubby, "winguardian" does not go undected if you know what your looking for or happen to just fall upon it. <BR>Heres my story: Back in January of this year my husband accused me of having an affair. The reason he accused me is that I had been trying to take care of myself more and had lost quite a bit of weight(I'm not getting any younger and figured its time to start taking care of myself). I told him I was not and had no intentions of having an affair(we've ben married for 18 years, and its not all peaches and cream but hey what is). In February he accused me yet again. By, I think it was May or June, he walked out on me and came back a few hours later. We talked yet again. Well, in October he walked out on me again because he is insistent that I am having this affair(that happens to be all in his mind). He came back the next day and we talked again. So here it is December, almost a year from the start of this whole mess and I go in on the computer in files & folders and what do I find but "winguardian" on the computer and the words monitoring just below that. So, I went into his files and found he had been looking at all kinds of sites to do with this sort of thing. And to think I have been reading this website for days because I was hoping it would help our marriage. Well, I'm at wits end right now. I have done nothing wrong and I don't know where to go from here. I am going to confront him in the am and find out why he is doing this to me. I'm ready to say good bye to him after what he has put me and our girls through this year. Thanks for listening.

falsely accused,<BR> I'm sorry for the pain your husband (H) has put you through. I know what it's like to be accused of cheating and NOT have cheated.<BR> Please read this site. There are still some REALLY good things for you here. You and your H should find out the "Love Languge" you both understand. He sounds insecure for some reason. Perhaps the two of you have started to "withdraw" from each other and he thinks it's because there's someone else.<P> IT IS NOT TO LATE!! Read all you can and it sounds like your H will be open to these types of things now where he may not have been in the past.<P> As your marriage grows stronger, your H's confidence will grow about your Marriage and these silly accusations will stop. GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Dear Falsely accused,<P>Sounds like you are having quite a rough ime in your marriage. I do hope you keep coming here in search of support and ideas for your pain.<P>First off, I applaud your decision to start taking better care of yourself - I'm sure it wasn't easy to change things around at first, but once you start, the rewards make it well worth it. I'll bet you did it with your family in mind as well - to please your husband, to make sure you're around a long time for your kiddos too. So good for you! Please, don't allow hubby's unreasonableness detract you from your goal.<P>Secondly, I wonder if all of this hasn't come up due to one or both of these possibilities:<P>1) That your H could have been the one to have an affair and his guilty conscience is on overdrive right now - it's been know to happen!<P>2) That your husband's self esteem is suffereing. Perhaps he feels so inadequate in seeing your improvement and renewed self confidance. Men are experts at hiding these kinds of feelings!<P>Just some points to ponder.<P>Now, I also wonder what your communication is like during the episodes where there is a suspicion flare-up on his part? How do you talk to each other about this - is it productive?<P>Another thought I had is that perhaps your Husband has a difficult time trusting, even trusting YOU! Plus, in reading the posts of others here who describe their experience of being betrayed, almost all of the time they live in a temporary state of denial. (This is not said to offend anyone - just an observation I've made here and in my own life.) Even thru signs that should have seemd obvious, I've watched people ignore or minimize them, perhaps not wanting to think the worst. (Kinda like when you get a toothache and HOPE it's not a darn cavity - even try to ignore it for a bit!) Seems to me that your hubby has reacted rather dramatically over all of this. Maybe he's unconsciously attempting to creat an arena or an excuse in which to have his own affair. I am taking stabs in the dark here, mind you, since I don't know your husband.<P>But, you know him. You'll feel i in your gut if any of it rings true. What you do from there is the next step. And as I say to everyone, we'll be here to help you thru all of it - good and bad. In the meantime, let me know if you think I've hit on anything or if you have already thought this yourself. Let us know what you do!<P>Khyra

Frank, I have read through this whole website this past week. I found some very good info and was going to approach him with it. After what I found tonight I just feel totally broken like its a hopeless task.I do know from reading the site that we have "withdrawn" from each other and thats been going on for a couple of years now. <P>Khyra, Thank you for making me feel like taking care of myself isn't the wrong thing to do. I am doing it for my family as well as myself. <P>To both: Yes my H is a very insecure man. I've known this for some time now. But thats something he needs to work on before I can help him over the slump he is in. I've lost weight in the past only to be belittled & accused by him and gained it right back. Then things would start to get better again as long as I felt lousy about myself. This time I'm not allowing that to happen. <P>As far as our communication, well, I think he only hears what he wants to. He doesn't REALLY listen to what I have to say. I usually wind up crying and then he feels better. <P>I do believe Khyra that he has a real problem with trust. An old girlfriend(before me an whom he loved a long time ago) cheated on him. I don't think he ever got over that. <P>I will continue to post as long as you all are here to listen. It gives me some insight into what I can do. Thank you!

Welcome <B>falsely accused</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I'm glad you've found this site and have gone through the bulk of it...<BR>I didn't want to leave you off of my normal welcome wagon spiel just the same...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM). And it doesn't hurt those like you who are "falsely accused"!<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>Make sure you understand <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Even if there is no affair... the actions taken in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, are helpful to any marriage.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> <B>(this should ne most valuable to you since there is no affair in progress)</B> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>Those of us living through affairs have had our lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<BR>This is what your H may be dreadfully afraid of!<P>Just the books and facts aren't enough... The support network we provide is more important still. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>Post... Reply... READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>BTW... weekends/holidays are <B>very</B> s l o w here... Be patient on replies.<P>Specifically in your situation...<BR>Have you sought any form of counseling?<BR>If there is no change in your H's understand of the dynamics of marriage... there will be more serious problems.<P>Even though there is no affair... The concepts of the "Four rules to guide marital recovery" apply to building of all marriages...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> ...read up on it! The best coverage of these four rules is in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> book, but other's are worth noting. I personally have a post of many books that the people on the forum have recommended (not just "affair" oriented books)... check it out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

NSR, thank you for the welcome. Sorry it took me so long to get back here. I have been trying to set up for my youngest daughter's birthday tomorrow. It should be a happy time around here, but I feel lousy. Winguardian is now off of our computer. That in itself makes me feel a lot better.<P>As far as counseling, we have never been. My H doesn't believe in talking to others about his or our problems. He doesn't even have any good friends(he has isolated himself from everyone) to talk to about this. At least I have that and it does help. I also come to boards like this to gain support and understanding. <P>We talked this morning after he came back from walking out again. We layed a lot of our feelings out on the table so to speak. I just hope he can understand why I am so hurt by all of this. He keeps saying "its been almost a year(since his first accusation) just get over it." It's not that easy especially when his actions still say what he is thinking. <P>I have asked him to look into this website in hopes it can make him aware of some of the things that have gotten us to this point in our marriage. Hopefully, if he won't talk to anyone he will at least take the time to look here.<P>Thanks again for your support. <P>Happy New Year!