my h has been having an A since dec. it became sexual in jan. this is his first. we have been married for 28yrs. have 3 kids.i found out in april we go to marriage counsiling. he doesn't seem like he feels he was wrong he has not said he is sorry. he thinks he loves her and says he loves me too. he is also a recovering addict and alcoholic been sober for 13 yrs. he never says he wants to work it out until we are at counsiling and then he seems very blah about it.i hope he is not just going through the motions just to say he tried. i am on such a rollercoaster. one minute i think we will be ok. the next minute i really don't know! is this normal behavior

(((D)))

I really feel for you. Although my situation is quite different to yours (only married 5 years, no kids) I have had to deal with the many strange and confusing things that WS say and do.

Is this normal behaviour?
Not for normal people, but for a WS, it seems to be entirely normal. They are living in a fantasy world, with an entirely different system of logic. They're confused, emotionally worn out and move back and forth all of the time from being the person you loved to being some disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish person who just looks like your H.

he doesn't seem like he feels he was wrong he has not said he is sorry.
You do deserve an apology, but you may not get one for a long, long time. DON'T demand an apology. Demands = lovebusters. When he is ready, he will apologise to you for all of the hurt, and he will really mean it. My WH still hasn't really apologised for what he has put me through - he is still very bitter about the whole experience. I wanted apologies, but now I know better.

i hope he is not going through the motions just to say he tried
Snap!! Same thing with my WH. It seems like his lack of enthusiasm must be because he really doesn't want to reunite, right? Remember that living a secret life (as he has been for some time) is very taxing. And it is hard to face in counselling. The fact that he does go to counselling is encouraging.

i am on such a rollercoaster
We all are, even the WS. Make sure that you take good care of yourself - eating well, exercising, sleeping as well as doing a good plan A. You need to be in a position to handle the ups and downs sensibly and in a controlled manner. You need to be able to make sound decisions.

Take care, I hope that my limited advice helps you. Try to post your questions in General Questions II - you will get more responses there.

Also, there is a thread somewhere (GQ archives??) that has is all about the kinds of things that WS say in the fog. They all say the same kinds of things - and if you can see that there is a pattern, you won't take these things so personally.

Look after yourself!

Claire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />